心

我觉得我对他真的是卸下了心房
我还想说这次我要对他更好
已经尽量了
我的耐心还有容纳并不够

有些东西使我忍无可忍
为什么别的女生偏偏可以接受我却一点都不可以忍受
我这样子...　会导致每个男生,　就连最诚实诚恳的　说谎吗?

我的心这几天经历了许多挫折和压力
我的心　现在有点闷...
我憋的很不快乐
我的心上有了裂痕
碎碎的痛

卸下了心房...　我觉得我的心裂了点...
我看我可能会开始心淡了

回到保护自己的状态
我应该是可以的
让自己不要为了小事悲伤

我在想...　这样应该不错
所以啊　男人
我在考虑让你不知不觉中
失去我的那份真心
反正你的谎言
已经让我的心冷

这很有可能是心淡的开始.　　

4 Letter Word

Yes. I think I do.

I think i Love him.

And this time, I want to stop protecting myself... I want to let myself go.. shed my walls for this amazing romantic man who makes me grow... and learn... who loves me, who accepts me, who needs me and wants my attention... who craves me... who cuddles me and talks to me... who i can sit on the couch and chat with... laugh... have childish stupid moments... who makes me feel so loved...who for the first time... feel I can trust fully... be it talking, girls, other women... and just his love for me...

I am his first woman and he says I am his everything...

I love this man... this handsome, tall amazing man. He is the type of man I want. Quiet, strong, assuring, a bit clingy and childish, and (learning) to man up and take care of me. He puts in effort to surprise me and make me happy, emails me for no reason, and is not too lazy to call.

He puts me first...

I need to appreciate it and be grateful. I need to cherish him.

And I will. I am going to let myself fall very hard, right into him. I want to go the distance with him.

I hope to be with him... forever and always. It's beautiful.

Expectations

To live in a less tiresome fashion, I think I need to drop all expectations towards friends... and realize that no one owes me anything. That I am not the Queen of the Universe.

I also need to realize that not everyone is the same, and no one is the same as me. Therefore they might think differently, and do differently. And their actions cannot be interpreted my own way.

And I should not, absolutely not, care so much. About the little details of people that don't matter, and of what people say or think about me. Because this is tying me down and bogging me down and holding me down from what I want to do. Or feel. Or achieve.

Because you know, if I am not the Queen of the Universe, who gives a flying fuck about what I am constantly doing or thinking?

I also resolve to take risks with Circle of friends. If you don't bring your good friends together... you can't have a circle of good friends.

豁达

It has come the time when... I am tired of the way I am. It is truly time for a change... to outgrow what I have been living with the past 21 years, through all the morphing, for better or for worse.

This entire summer I have been reflecting and thinking... based mostly off the reaping of my last four years, but also just me.

There are many little epiphanies I have found, many things I can work on. In some sense, this is taking a step back and looking at things with a slightly (albeit very slight) different perspective. And suddenly you are hovering over reality, taking on the bird's eye view -

you see-

you really see -

what you have been feeling deep in your heart... it wasn't a mistake. It was really what you felt. Those people weren't right for you. They are indeed a waste of your time.

I need to take risks.

I need to live with passion and enthusiasm... living life is pretty tiring and you need the energy... the energy comes from enthusiasm for improving yourself, and striving to create a good life everyday.

I need to stop being so hard up over what people think or say.

I recently learned a Chinese word: 豁达

It is one of the best words in any language that I have ever come across. Two characters, so much meaning, and exactly what I need to work towards.

豁达指心胸开阔，性格开朗，能容人容事。豁达是一种大度和宽容，豁达是一种品格和美德，豁达是一种乐观的豪爽，豁达是一种博大的胸怀、洒脱的态度，也是人生中最高的境界之一。

Luo Shan Ji

So. In LA for a getaway.

Much needed, to say the least. I finally feel like I am regaining my sanity. It has been a tough time... and the thing is, I am not even sure why. Maybe it is because I love to be irrational and think/worry about things that i shouldn't or cannot control. It's almost like a hobby.

I am tired of it... tired of myself... in many ways... I just want to be happy and live life content. Instead of chasing what cannot be mine... always seeking to please other people and be part of everyone's lives... WHY? I have been doing that... but I still feel miserable and left out. Or at least, feel like I am on the verge of being left out. It's pathetic really... how I was pining over Kimmy's attention, caring so much about Mandy... they are all the same type of people, the same people I cannot click with but I strive to be their friends. WHY CANT I JUST LET BE WHAT IS?

I am afraid of not having any good friends, real friends. I only have a few, really. Many of my "real" friends have somehow dropped out of my life into an abyss, and I never see them again. The list is long... Daphne, Geoffrey, Livia...
All these people I took to heart, wanted to be exclusive with. All these people that let me down.
Honestly, sometimes I think best friends come from a guy loving you and then becoming a friend after. Because guess what, many of my friends are.
It makes me sad that I need to find friends this way... And it's not like I intentionally attract them so that I can get best friends... I start out genuinely being friends. Why can't I get good friends? Girlfriends? Am I doing something wrong?

I think it may be because I am not easy going enough, so knit-picky until I tire my friends out. Too sensitive and.. too petty, I suppose. I am trying to change. To be easy going-er... and just not get mad at every little thing that crosses me a bit. We'll see how that goes...

Anyway, in LA. Been having a good time thus far. I want to free my mind, let some things sink in, and perhaps FIND A JOB?!... and also to get some peace. And perhaps, through all that, achieve a few wondrous epiphanies.

Wait.. .What?

It just occurred to me... 2010 is going to end soon. I commenced in May, and I thought, wow we are almost halfway through with 2010. Now, it is mid August, and we are more than halfway through with 2010. And summer seemed to have started not too long ago. It is really weird how time passes by so quickly.

2010 is almost done... I want to have accomplished something... mentally or not, by the time I become 22.

OMG. 22 years old. I am ending my 21st year of life. This is pretty big. I am getting old.

A ways to Go

This weekend, with all the stress and exhaustion, TAS and I had a huge row, getting into a huge fight.

I realized that I really do care for him deeply... I suppose that feeling is love. I love the idea of me being in love with him though... it is wonderful.

But I also realized, he has ways to go before being the man I need and want in my life. He has to grow up, become a mature man who can take responsibility and do things properly for himself, to be able to take care of me and also someone who has initiative to sort things out.

Besides all this, I still want him. Yesterday when things finally winded down, we made up. It was really nice, because what we have hasn't changed. And at night, we got back at someone by doing something on that person's bed. hurhurhur.

It was the most amazing experience. So much desire and passion, so much want... but so gentle... so much love that it was almost unsexual. It was soft and sensual, romantic and sweet. Together, we were. A reunion. And it was truly something passionate and loving. I felt it, and I have never felt it before. It was like, being desperate to give everything you have and take everything the other person has, the desire to want the other person to feel everything you have while being really gentle. Kissing every surface that comes close to your lips.... wow.

Mmm... after that tears sprang to my eyes because I really felt it. Beautiful.

Love is a four letter word.

Officially

I am officially...

1) graduated
2) homeless
3) unemployed
4) almost friendless
5) in awe of nature

Let's elaborate on my past weekend shall we? The weekend of 8/14 - 8/16.

1) I officially graduated on 8/8. That was the last official day of summer school, even though my class really ended 4 days before. I ended college on a good note; I got the highest final exam score in my class, and my professor really liked me. He might be a good one to ask for a recommendation from. So I am now an alumni; gotta say, it is a weird feeling to be really completely out of school. No september "school starts now" dates. No winter "break". No summer "vacation". This is what is like to be done... to be thrown into unemployment, to say the least! Done with college. Yet somehow, I have not discarded my childish mentalities when it comes to some things, such as friends, social life and what not. This is a really hard battle to fight... and I am struggling to overcome my immature mentality.

2) Yes. I am homeless. 8/14 was when I moved out of 430 West Johnson Street, my beloved apartment for 2 years. Packing was hectic, moving out was even MORE hectic. It was a nightmare weekend, to say the least. I was exhausted, sick, and overwhelmingly busy and stressed. Now, I will bum around at people's houses while I try to figure out my next step. To stay in Madison, or not to stay? To move to San Francisco or not to move? Ah, these are the questions. I hate being homeless, my home was my sanctuary, no matter how dirty or messy it was. Now I feel uprooted.

3) Unemployed. 'nuff said.

4) The last of my Hk bunch friends moved out of madison. Geoff went back to HK, Natalie moved to Chicago. Now I am waiting for Diana to get back... then she'd be my only friend. The plus side is, I can prob work on my friendship with her, maybe get something substantial from that. Malaysians all left... just a few left that I can probably work on. Besides all this, I feel really friendless. It almost makes me question, who were my friends? I mean people left, but I was alright. Now, though, I feel like I have literally no friends. Just a whole bunch of acquaintances I barely want to hang out with. Makes me sad.

5) On the night of 8/14, I was homeless with TAS. My friend, whose place I was going to bum at, he invited us to go to Devil's Lake with him and his friends, in particular, this one guy whose grandparents have a cottage up there, by a lake. We were hesitant at first, but we went eventually. Turned out to be one of the best decisions ever. That day, I conquered my fear of heights; I climbed a bluff. Lemme tell you, that was a pretty high bluff and I was up there climbing away clammering for rocks and boulders to hang on to. One slip, I would have fallen and shattered my poor little skull on a massive rock. I did it... barefoot... and when I reached the top of the bluff, the view was breathtaking, simply gorgeous. When we were finally coming down from the bluff, I looked at the view of the lake... the moon was reflected onto the surface of the water. It was really something beautiful. It made me miss the times when I went hiking... camping... just nature activities. We are too caught up in city life to even think about nature... And you know what, I finally understood the proper life of the Midwest, or anywhere "hick". It's the beauty of nature and all these outdoor activities that you can fully indulge in... it is a gift to the place that no man can ever synthesize. It felt really amazing to be outdoors, to feel the humid hair hit my face and run through my hair...
That night was even more amazing. Mike's grandparents have a lovely cottage, right next to a lake. Their backyard is grass and a lake. That's not the most amazing part. I already thought my day was amazing... until night fell and I looked up... to a billion stars. The number of glowing sparkles in the sky really, truly, blew my mind. The sky was shimmering... and that night, I saw the milky way for the first time. The Nebula. Oh god... It was just incredibly beautiful. It is certainly an image I wish to preserve in my head for the rest of my life. I just felt so happy, so joyful, so at peace and filled with appreciation for the world. All of us jumped off the dock, and into warm lake water. It was amazing. There were clams at the bottom of the lake too! Soft sand at the bottom of the lake... We swam and floated on our backs. I remember doing that and looking up to shimmers in the dark sky...

It was really astounding. It felt so wonderful.

Seeing the big sky with all its glorious lights made me feel really small. We are simply small specks in this lake, and this lake is a small part of the state, which is one of 50 in the United States, which is one of the numerous countries on this planet, which is one of the many planets in the solar system, which is one of the many in the galaxy, which is one of the many in the universe.
If you think about it, we are comparable to little ants in a big farm.
Why are we always so caught up with our lives? Sometimes all we need is a little nature to put things in perspective.

I have never done or seen something like that in my life. Not even year 12 in Thailand could compare to that. It was the most amazing thing ever. To be honest, it completely made my summer. Totally worth it... I felt so rejuvenated after.

I just wanted to put that memory down somewhere so that it can officially be something to remember.

-----

Twenties Pre-Mid-Life Crisis

It seems apparent to me that when people hit the twenties mark, or the sophomore year-ish time of college, people experience what I'd like to label a pre-mid-life crisis.

The cross roads in the life, the pitchfork, even, where one is at total loss at what to pursue, and how to determine the rest of his/her life's career... and the ambiguity that there is a probability that he/she might end up on the sidewalk of streets shaking a paper cup with, with any luck, a quarter in there, yelling for spare change.

The thing is, given that I have been there (ish; i was a luckier one that had minor setbacks and plenty of guidance), I think this situation taps into a very human nature - fear of failure and the unknown.

Everyone fears change, and the possibility of ending up in an abyss as a substitute for a career. That's the beauty and horror of it all - at this stage, You Never Know.
I have had many friends experience this, mostly people who set out determined to pursue one career path, but setback with this crisis, and head off into another direction. Funnily enough, looking back in retrospect, many of them would say they made the right decision. Off the top of my head I can already think of 2 good friends.

There are others, of course, perhaps under the influence of that culture or society, who seem very keen on pursuing a certain career path and stick to it, undeterred for the rest of their lives. Perhaps there is something out there that they may prefer, but for unpractical reasons, they choose to forgo. I happen to one of those people. I was robbed of my dream of being an archaeologist working at dig sites. I was also unable to pursue my noble dream of saving the world aka. doing Biology to learn about cancer. Other people include Hong Kong kids who go directly into business, because it is the most practical path. Hong Kong, afterall, is a financial hub, where the East meets the West, where the rich meets the poor, where the trendy meet the fashion victims...

Recently (and tonight) TAS (acronyms for someone special) had a meltdown. He is at this severe cross roads. His grades do not allow him to pursue a career in the medical field. He feels as though he has let his parents down, for good.
I strongly believe that he has all the potential in the world to be amazing. He happens to be one of those strange people who is often given too little credit for their talents, simply because they tend to be so low-key, or they somewhat hide it by living under the radar. However, given the situation, they will rise to the circumstance and outperform.
I truly hope that this is one of the times where this withdrawn individual who thinks he has no passions but just many tiny hobbies can look at himself and realize that he is amazing and can do many things. I hope he will find his passion and calling... pursue it, and as we all expect, outperform.
Like a seasoned counselor, I gave him advice which he duly noted. More of a preacher than a practicer myself, I seem to have given him advice that he will take to heart, and which I think will do him good. It seems to me that inspirational quotes that I have a penchant for come in handy in times like these.

I suppose I am writing this entry to express this situation that attacks us at the peak of oblivion. I suppose I am writing this entry to express what I feel towards the TAS.
I suppose I am writing this entry to express my hopes and my wishes for the TAS, believing that he will emerge more successful.
However, he will need to put in work. He can either shoot for the better, or sink for the worse. i will make sure he will go with the former. He is a wonderful person. I really hope he can find something he likes.

I plan to be there to make him the best person he can be, because I want to. Also, I want to be a good... girlfriend-figure for him. To give him the best. Quite frankly, I was not up to par in my previous relationship, and I would really like to be better than a 50 cent girlfriend from now on. Because, what is life full of regrets? No life, that's what it is.

Therefore, my dear invisible readers, this is a case where one should, when life gives them lemons, make lemonade. Make it hard lemonade if you will. The important thing is, when things get sour, you need to reach into the sugar jar and throw in some sugar. Some ice. And sometimes, a bit of alcohol so you can enjoy the drink.

Pieces

This feeling, it isn't anything new. The same confusion, frustration, feeling left out and disappointed...

And perhaps I am finally tired of really trying.. Maybe the answer is clear. PJ said it. TAS said it. I don't fit in with them. Just too different... Culturally... mentally... even our values are different. They are more superficial, I am sensitive and need the substantial relationships.

Why do I keep trying? I think I need to learn what type of people I need.

I need to stop going with people who will club, drink, live the superficial glam life... and more people who will be on the same wavelength as me mentally.

Point is...

It's time to move on and find better people out there, to build better relationships.
Lesson learned; next time I will find truer friends and hang out once in a while with superficial ones. Next time I will stick to a good group and develop good relationships.

Last one of the day....

I kinda want to use all my emotions, and my deepest secrets that I pour out into this blog,
to write a book.

Almost like Post Secrets, but then using all these things, simple one liner or a few sentences per page with good illustrations...

That just kind of spill out a girl's inner secrets. Cuz then we will know, all of us aren't alone.

I think it would be a cute project. And I think people would buy it too....

I am starting to get ideas for life now. hur hur hur.

E.g. #1

I am extremely self conscious about anal hair during sex, especially doggy style. But I don't want to wax it off.

解脱

解脱 - 张慧妹

作 词 姚若龙 作 曲 许华强

歌词制作：Harbor

爱是不夜城

回忆像星辰

热泪越沸腾

我 越感觉有点冷

变了心的人

越想越伤人

枯坐到清晨

阳光替房间开了灯

想苦结局一样

又何苦再想

想若让人成长

我为什么怕分手的伤

解脱是肯承认这是个错

我不应该还不放手

你有自由走我有自由好好过

解脱是懂擦干泪看以后

找个新方向往前走

这世界辽阔

我总会实现一个梦

想苦结局一样

又何苦再想

想若让人成长

我为什么怕分手的伤

解脱是肯承认这是个错

我不应该还不放手

你有自由走我有自由好好过

心里有一种渴望勇敢的念头

不要爱我的人再担心我

解脱是肯承认这是个错

我不应该还不放手

你有自由走我有自由好好过

解脱是懂擦干泪看以后

找个新方向往前走

这世界辽阔

我总会实现一个梦

A Living Contradiction

In many ways, I feel like I am a living contradiction.

I am ambitious and determined, yet I lack the immediate motivation and long term effort.

I don't know how anyone ever got anywhere being this way. It's the makings of a hobo.
I need to somehow change that; that is, I need to stop buying things online, and start really applying for jobs and feeling that panic/anxiety/desperation again.
I feel like I always need that in order to do well at anything. Otherwise I just bum around.

I need to get somewhere in life.
I need to succeed.
I need to get my monies.

So I better start.

Happy 4th of July

Can you love 2, or multiple people at once?
Is that not love?

---------------

I think everything begins with yourself. Everything in your world revolves around how you are, and how you affect things around you.
Therefore, when you change, there will be a butterfly effect, which affects everything around you, for better or for worse.
So, if you circumstances to change, subtle or not, you should begin by changing up how you act. Or think. Or feel.

--------------

Went to summerfest in Milwaukee today, first time in 4 years. It has always been a to-do for me. I did it =)

Fireworks were pretty....
Happy 4th, America!

Little Epiphanies.

It's funny, for 3, 4 years, I have always been quite constant. Slowly learning about myself... everything just coming in very very little snippets.

Now that I am 21, and a college grad... somehow, things are starting to make sense and crashing onto me. Albeit a little slow to change.

Today in my entrepreneurship class, we looked at Johnsonville Sausages company. We watched a video of the CEO, Ralph Stayer, talk to his subordinates in a lecture hall setting, about the company organizational structure.

He says,

If you expect good things, they will happen.

In essence, whatever you expect, will become. Good or bad.
And it makes sense to me, because now, I recall the quotes I use to note, like expect the best. Work towards the best. Because, if you expect yourself to be the best, surely you set your standards high and have little compromise. Likewise, if you are in a race and you expect yourself to lose, how will you win? You hardly have the mindset for triumph.

It dawned on me that many a time, when I am confident in myself in a game, or an exam, or project, or even an essay, that when I sit there and I feel it, deep in my bones, in my gut, that somehow I will be good, that I will win.... usually I do. At least, I get something good.
Now, does that translate into... the gut feeling being an expectation to succeed? Is that me expecting something without fully knowing it in the past?

Another thing that occurred to me in class today was something my professor said, that Ralph Stayer mentioned in his lecture.

You can't be like everyone else. You can't strive to be like everyone else. Because then you would be average. Greatness is going beyond what everyone else is, and having that edge.

It makes PERFECT sense! If you were like everyone else, wouldn't you be one with the crowd? You would truly be average. How will you EVER stand out?
I always wanted to be great. I always want to be EXCELLENT, creme of the crop, to stand out. Maybe this is why many a time I feel like my mentality prevents me from being like everyone else, to fit into a certain crowd. I just don't appreciate having to hang out all the time, to just be unproductive and stew in each other's company. Perhaps this is why... because I don't want to be average. Why would my mentality be average? Maybe that is the difference.
Maybe to stand out and be excellent, you have to sacrifice that fitting in. You have to go with what you feel, and nerd or no nerd, just do what you want to do, especially if it is productive. That way, you don't sacrifice the greatness in you for mediocrity, to be one with the others that don't mind the 9-5.
I just want to go beyond. And be brilliant.

Maybe that's it... and maybe caring so much about a group and being important is holding me back. Especially since... let's face it... I hardly truly care about many of them.

Wow.. today is definitely a great day for progress.

TAS pt 2

I can't pull the brakes on you.

I am just in love with you.
You make me so happy...
I get stars in my eyes when you are here.
You look so incredibly gorgeous...
When I see you walk through that door towards me my heart skips a beat.
My lips curl up into a delighted smile.
My eyes light up, and they close when you close the gap between us and we hug.
God, when we hug.
Our bodies meld into one.
I place my head on your broad shoulders, which are at a perfect height for me.

When we make love, it's so erotic, sexy and emotional.
I love the way you look.
Your tongue sticking out sometimes, it's so adorable I can't help loving you more.

You encourage my emotional growth.
You let me mature.
You force me to face some things about myself.
Your words make me wonder and ponder.
Your feedback gives me clues to understand myself.
And I make you mature too.

We play cards and we get competitive with each other.
We joke like friends.
We cuddle and sleep together.
We make love.
We talk, about deep, serious stuff.
We cry.
We talk dirty.
We talk stupid.
We moan.
We act cute.
We get frustrated at each other.
We get mad.
We miss each other.
We love each other.

It's all so wonderful.
It's all so compatible.

We are so perfect and happy together....
I can't give you up. I just can't.
Because for once,
My mind doesn't want to.
My heart doesn't want to.
I just want to charge ahead at full speed.

You are, we are, truly a diamond in the rough.

I love you so very much.

Slowly

Slowly,

Bit by bit... day by day... I am starting to understand myself a bit more. I am starting to understand why I think somethings the way I do, or why I do or feel the things I do and feel.

For one thing, I realized despite what I use to think, I have ALOT of pride. Like I care alot about face. Yes, I laugh at myself, but deep inside, I know that I have to be better. I have to be great. And I won't let anyone see me at a bad state...

Maybe this is why I don't open up to people. I don't want people to see me in a vulnerable state.. It's so hard. It's so.. vulnerable.

I don't like others to see me fail either. Whether it is me screwing up a test, or looking fat in a bikini, I'd rather just not show up.
But I will get past this.... Hopefully. Some things just gotta change.

F.A.T.

I am so frustrated with my body. I look so fucking fat.

I hate the blob hanging off my abdomen. I hate the armpit fat that makes me look huge. I hate the inner thigh fat that gets squeezed out when i rest my legs flat against the seat. I hate the excessive upper arm fat that makes my shoulders look even broader.

As I say this a turmoil of frustration is building up in me.

I really really hate the tummy fat though. It bothers me like no other.
So from today on, I really need to eat less. I need to exercise everyday. And I definitely need to control my junk food and indulgence.

I want to lose weight. I am a fucking fat bitch.

TAS

You walked out of my door.
And now,
Maybe.
Just Maybe,
I should start pulling the brakes on this one.

I didn't want to. I wanted to fall with everything I had. Just so for once in my life, I can really, truly be head over heels in love with someone, instead of reserving that 10+% of my heart for my own sake.

But I am starting to realize, I don't love myself enough. I don't care about myself enough. I am not secure enough with myself to really love someone else, without holding back. I can't get past that insecurity. Because of myself.

The only way I make it more bearable to be in a relationship is to like the person less. Because at least I know I haven't given my all. And therefore, I will be less hurt. I am at less risk. And I am not as anal and possessive, because I LIKE THE PERSON LESS than he likes me.

I think that maybe I should start on this one. I didn't want to. But I think, this might be the only solution, besides completely calling it quits. That might really, really hurt.

TAS, I will go to sleep now.
Tomorrow, it might be different between us. At least from my perspective.
And from then on,
That's it.

good night.

Frustration

It is hard. It is, because, when you dislike something that is fact, you are fighting almost against REALITY. And it is something that can't change, no matter how much you hate the FACT.

So in you, as you sit there on your black couch, there is this strong feeling that threatens to rip you apart as it starts to strangle your heart and the peace. It feels like...

Like

It is strangling your heart.

Like

It is really sour and powerful and REALLY, REALLY frustrating.

Like

There is some fire, or something really fiery that is threatening to spill out, but can't.

Like your entire being cannot contain this foul emotion yet it feels like it is spilling out.

I can't stand it.

Yet, I can't accept reality. Or at least, I refuse to. Because I want it to be my way... I want it to be perfection. I can't stand it when he doesn't conform to my standards and wants.

Somehow, as you go through life, sometimes you may work hard and get what you want, but many a time, you can't get what you want. Especially when it comes to relationships and people. They are just out of your reach, your control. Therefore... it seems like...
Growing up and living life might involve being able to handle that crappy emotion, and being able to accept what you dislike. What you can't stand.
Before it tears you apart.
Or before it tears apart you, and what you love.

THE PROBLEM IS,

I have no fucking clue how to handle this emotion, except to walk away. I don't know how to accept it, and let it settle down, especially if I think about it.

What do I do?

WHat?!?!

WHO farts when they are climaxing during sex??

god.

Updates

Recently I have been hanging out with people I didn't use to hang out much with. And somehow, in these people, I find some comfort and some joy. Even though my accent has to be altered to flow with the rhythm of the dialogue with them... it is starting to feel natural to hang out with them. I enjoy it. And it seems like... they are just nice people. People that don't make me feel left out....

Am I speaking too soon? Only time will tell.

Besides that...

I have realized today that short small girls are able to act cute, and somehow they evoke this innate feeling in everyone that makes the big chunky people want to protect and pamper the small girls.
Sadly, I am not one. No sir, I am a tall, 5'7'' girl. Statuesque, if you will. With a guy-ish humor to match. No sir, girls like me don't get protected. But deep down, deep deep down, we really want to feel precious, cute and protected.

-V

Mini Crunches

Love.
4 letter word.
Hard to figure out... yet sometimes your heart just wants to scream it.

Sometimes your heart is bursting... with joy, with a sort of fullness that is rather hard to come by. Sometimes it is because you had a good day; sometimes because you laughed so hard and you are happy; sometimes from contentment with yourself or your life; and sometimes, it is because you spent a wonderful night, or even just meaningful time with someone really special. And that person hugs you and says, almost involuntarily, "God.. I love you so much" and squeezes you tight in his embrace.
You look up at his face, and in that moment your heart feels full. You want to say "I love you."

We may spend our lives wondering if we have loved, or if we have ever been loved. Perhaps all that matters is in that moment, whether it felt right. Maybe everyone defines love differently, but somehow when it is written on paper, it is interpreted differently by everyone. And what matters, what ultimately matters, is what YOU think. It is what you feel, and if you think that is what love is... even without the explosions, fireworks and rocket ships blasting into the sky, then everyone else's explanations be damned.

Graduation 2010

Yesterday,

May 15th 2010


I graduated as a business student from the school of business.

A milestone, paramount...
it hasn't hit me quite yet.

But somehow, in the back of my head, despite all the mental filters and denial...
I know...
I am growing up. Progressing through life's stages.
It makes me think back to when I was just 12, college seemed like a lifetime away. All I wanted to be was 17 so I could relate to the characters in my tween books.
Now... I am embarking on adulthood.
It's weird, almost like watching a movie where they show someone's life.. film time of about 2 minutes.

I sincerely wish for myself that I can reach my dreams. That I can be successful. And that I have the determination and will put in the hard work to match my ambition. That, I really want.

I need to spend a post or few reflecting on my college life. On the people, on the things I have learned, on the things I have realized. And I will. Because the last four years have given me things I have never imagined or experienced. And they have changed me, made me grow, for better or for worse.

I am, however, still waiting for my revelation. It is coming to me, I feel it. Slowly, I am letting myself accept some flaws (at least to see and acknowledge them) and I am starting to change the way I think. I think the revelation is seeping through. I know I will get it before I am out.

I'll be back here.

Class of 2010, welcome to adulthood!

//The Graduate.

Tick Tock.

Tick tock.. tick tock...

Time keeps passing. I age every second.

Graduation is just a heartbeat away. It is in exactly, EXACTLY one month.

I can't believe it. I haven't been able to reconcile the freshman in me, and the to-be graduate. It is just startling to think that I have been through 4 years of college. All that has happened, all that I have gone through to shape what I am now...

It's been a long trip.

yet somehow, it feels very, very short. Tonight, while taking a walk with someone special, I took a breath... and the air was so filled with nostalgia it brought much joy, with much ... reluctance, to my heart. It reminded me of the way the air smelled when I was a freshman, eager and inexperienced, away from my parents, in this small town of Madison. It is the air that reflected the fall in 2006. Warm but a bit chilly... woodsy and grassy. It's... perfect.

Now seasoned with 4 years of salt and pepper, I have my future before me. I am still waiting for that big change, that big revelation that I have been expecting. I am starting to think that the revelation won't come to me, I have to go to it. I have to mature in such a way that I will gain that revelation. I hope I do before... before I depart Madison.

It's hard to think that after I graduate, that is IT for my undergraduate slacking, chilling days. It is out of the pan and into the fire, fire being the real world. I hope it doesn't hurt.
I am close to the end of my education. Somehow it seems like when you are still schooling, you can be immature (to some extent). But now... it's adulthood, and all the responsibilities and obligations that are tacked along with it. I am truly creating my own life... right from the bottom of the corporate ladder.

Graduate school is different, it is really working and doing what you gotta do... so it is different from what life is now, from what life was before.

I think I need to reconcile this before I graduate; there are different stages in life, and they come and go. Sometimes you just need to look at them and realize, it's time to move on.

I wish to spend my last month of (official) schooling happy, carefree and energetic... like I was a freshman.

P.S. time to stop worrying and fussing about people.

<3 Seasoned Senior

Inspiration*

* I just wanted to take a bit of time out of my day... and blog this as a reminder to myself.

*:: You are always so caught up with the tiny things, like oh man, this girl might not be as close as you think. You keep thinking about this, wasting days on end just fussing and worrying due to your insecurities. The truth is, if they don't care about you at this point, you can't force it no more. It's done, it's set. Just be friends, take what comes. As been mentioned in the past, CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

Yesterday I was looking up on facebook this guy I use to like in elementary school. He was someone I really liked and let go of because of my stupidity and mind games. I was like 12 though. That kid was never really good at school, I was always the top student. He was quiet, I was loud and obnoxious. I was quite a popular kid in elementary school.

We went our separate ways... and I never heard from him again.

Well, we are facebook friends, and I am pretty sure since he is living the good life, he won't be crushing on me and thinking of me. In fact, we don't talk. I'd like to, because its been so long, and I want to know how he is doing. But... it won't happen, the gap between us is too great now.

I look him up, and I see him pursuing his dreams and putting himself out there. He has an album out, he plays music, he joined one of the idol shows... he is endorsing a clothing brand. I mean... it was just a slap to my face, as well as an inspiration. A wake up call, if you must.
People are out there, pursuing their dreams and living their lives, doing what they should.
I dream of living a good life, but I am sitting here, fussing over people who aren't worth it. Or who may not be part of my life in the future. WHY??

*I need to see the big picture*.

Seeing his pictures and just what he is doing, it inspired me to get off my ass and pursue what I want. Want a job in marketing? Stop going out and sit down and apply. Do what you have to. I keep thinking about other people, never really doing what I should. This will be my downfall if I refuse to change... So it has to stop. NOW. I need to learn to compartmentalize my feelings and just block out unnecessary things... I am strong enough to live by myself. So let's do it. And I hope I can get a job. And in a few years... someone will be looking at my pictures and feeling the same slap of inspiration.

*think of him, and let it inspire you to go forward.

Thanks, childhood crush =)

** I made it - Lil Wayne

Spring Break

Spring Break was good. Vegas, LA, and a drop by in Chicago.
Met interesting people... saw great sights... had crazy romp. haha. It was much needed though, to get away, get over, get some. hehe.

Last night, someone basically proposed to me. I gotta say, it was the weirdest. Someone loves me so much to never want to live without me in his life...
But I can't return the sentiment. That is sad...

But can you believe it? Someone proposed to me?-ish.

<3

乱

I hate this feeling of being cluttered. Like everything is on the edge... that is why I like a low profiled life.
It happens when you are attached to someone, because no one will hit on you.
It happens when you have a fixed group of friends that you can count on...

I guess in some way, your life becomes stagnant and kind of unexciting. But you gain security. It's one of life's many trade offs.

Now that I am single... guy life has become complicated. And somehow I have lost that self-control.
Friends? It has its ups and downs... I am not quite sure what to think.

But overall... right now... I am feeling cluttered. I don't need this.. I want to enjoy my last semester here.... Leave a nice legacy of my name!

oh well. Let's just.... surf the waves.

On another note. Double chin is making a comeback. Time to cut back and elliptical my lazy fukin ass.

On YET another note. I need to build my confidence. No more refuting compliments. And to stop, please to stop, caring what people think.

Oh, my face is ground zero for acne due to my insane week.

Sometimes...

Sometimes you just have one of those days...

you feel kind of shitty because you are running low on energy. You could easily spend your whole day feeling bad about yourself and thinking about what is wrong with you. And it could go very, very negative.

So here I am. The org won an award. I should be happy. Everyone is. But somehow I am that kind of miser that doesn't seem to share joy that well... no. In fact, I am thinking about if I contributed to any of the success, or if the president is the only reason why we are this great. Or if... I have capabilities to become even as efficient as her. Somehow... I think I lack leadership skills, which I thought I had. I think what I have is people skills... and that's about it. I need leadership skills. I want it.
I have so much self-doubt... ... how did I become like this? I can't seem to see my achievements that well. Also... 心胸狭窄... what do I do to change it?
I am lazy as well.

I need to change....
- Leadership skills
- Laziness
- Time management

I think that will make me a better person, work-wise. I also need to become more self-assured and confident.
I need to feel comfortable not doing anything...
I need to let be what is, and support and share people's joy instead of being such a miser!

Yes. I am glad I am learning all these things about me though. Now I can watch... observe... learn.

v

sick as a dawg

first kiss... it's been awhile.
like 8 years.

still unforgettable though.. I think that is what counts.


Quiz in 45 min...

lust can make you think it is love, if the connection is right.
but is it love if there lacks lust?

my back hurts like a bitch. i am coughing like a sick dog.
and I have to go to party and ski tomorrow.

smoooches.

新年啊新年，快乐吧！

Happy Chinese New Year.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Hmm... I am feeling very strange. Not in the best way... Feels a bit like fear and insecurity. Fear of commitment or getting too close, or possibly having made a mistake. Insecurity, feeling unsettled because of ignorance as to what the issue really is, and unsettled because something feels out of control and I feel the need to set time aside to worry and bite my nails.

I am not sure what it is.

But I think as I am starting to understand myself, that I am very afraid of getting too close to someone (as a guy)... As a friend, I am very afraid of exposing too much of myself too soon. Somehow over the years I have managed to condition myself to reveal as little as possible about my life.

Anyway, Chinese New Year. It is almost like another opportunity for a clean slate, just because I am Chinese. Which I like and appreciate. But ... how clean of a slate can I get?
I'm feeling quite bogged down by thoughts that aren't quite surfacing right now!!

point is. Year of the Tiger... Welcome! I hope this year will be a great one. Afterall, 2010... it looks awesome as a number.

I really need to list some of my goals and aspirations... even though I haven't really figured them out yet. haha.

...Why do I keep wondering what other people are doing, and if they are alone or not? I have issues.

Valen-fucking-tines

Well, technically it's tomorrow. So this is premature.

Always thought that SOMETHING happened on valentines day... perhaps this will be my most uneventful one in awhile... but then its 新年 and let's face it... I have enough baggage. Did I mention I have another baggage now?
If only I could translate my emotional baggage into designer handbags, i'd be set for life, handbags wise.
I am single for valentine's day this year; first time in... 2?3? years. Yet I am not free to roam and sow wild oats. Nope, I am tied down by baggage. Confusing ones... I sometimes really don't have a fucking clue what my heart is thinking (haha ironic)... or just what, more specifically, WHO, I want. I wish I knew.
Relationship post-mortem, I don't think I loved. I don't know if I know how to. I don't think I know how to love at all. I take them for granted, I am impatient, and I just catch myself before I fall. And I tell myself, hey man it's cool don't take this too seriously. So I have that leeway incase something goes down. Now, it's 8 years since I started telling myself that and... well. I haven't been able to fully fall into anything and just stay there. I feel quite heartless because people have and yet I can walk away unscathed. Is this what bitches and old spinsters (UNWANTED spinsters) are made of? I am attracted to people all the time, I think I crush easily... so I get distracted. I can't seem to just fixate myself on someone and fall, uninhibited, into someone. Is it because I am scared of getting hurt?

You don't really know what it means to truly love someone.. until you put their needs above your own.

I sure as frucking hell don't.

I don't know where my warped thinking comes from. I want to be in love too, but I think I am scared of dedicating my heart to someone. A friend told me that I should let go of the past; haven't I? He says I haven't if I can't seem to take things in with an open heart again. Are my scar tissues so deep and tough that I can't move beyond them?
I want to love someone too. Maybe I am just too insecure. Maybe I haven't found the right person. Maybe it's not the right time. Or maybe... I have closed off myself. Should I open up? I guess at this point I don't even know who to give my heart to. Will I always be like this?
I think I am growing up somehow.. even if I don't realize... I am starting to think differently and streamline what is important to me. But emotionally am I stunted by this inability and reluctance to let anyone in? I am not sure if I even know how to.
I've hurt many in the past; I am not proud. I feel bad. But it makes me even more scared that karma will bite me in the ass when I do let someone in.

Maybe this Valentines day, Me Myself and I will figure out my heart. Maybe my party of one, my solo date will reconcile and be content being alone, figure out what to do alone instead of thinking about all those surrounding non-designer bag baggages.
Or perhaps a miracle will happen and I will be able to rid all scars and start again with an open heart. Or perhaps I will realize what love is to me. And that there is someone special I am in love with.
3 different people, 3 different feelings. Utter confusion.

Dear Heart,

Happy Valentines Day. What do you want?

Love,
Me.


Oh, Happy Valentines Day, everyone.

Life lesson when things are complex and insecure:

I have learned that when one feels unsettled with people and upset/insecure...

one should-

CHILL THE FUCK OUT.


Suddenly the world will seem like an easier place to live in.

Musings

- Why do we like some things, yet not others?
- Why are we drawn to some people, yet not to some others?
- Why do we click so well with some people, and not at all, no matter how hard we try, with others?

It's hard to be possessive.
It's hard to expect and not be disappointed.

What I want to do...

I want to lie down and let life live.

People come and go... who will stay? People say they are your good friends, but who really is? What defines friendship? What are the rules of friendship? Do you NEED a type of friend? (e.g. someone who can shower you with gifts when it's your birthday...) it sounds superficial, but somehow I find that that shows some sort of love, when someone cares about you enough to give you something great.
I don't know... and I keep feeling like there is something wrong with me and my outlook on life and the world.
It's tiring and it makes me unhappy.
I am drained by all these things all the time. I am insecure about people all the time.
I want to change... I want something to be different...

gonna shower.