The Empire State: New York, New York

So,

Thanksgiving was a lot better this year. Definitely one of the best. Then again I've only had four... and the first two were disastrous. This NY trip definitely redeemed the first NY trip... I think company matters. Always. I mean... the first disastrous trip to NYC 2 years ago made me think NYC was just.. not so great. But now, I think I like New York more than Chicago. Something about the lights... they do inspire. They make you feel alive.

I had fun. I walked till my legs were sore. I think it was fitting with Thanksgiving overall; I was thankful this Thanksgiving for my legs. Just having limbs.. being able to travel... having the money to do so... it's really a blessing. So... here is my silent appreciation. No one will find it, but at least I know. I am terrible at expressing myself in front of people. It's just too vulnerable and cheesy, even.
I am thankful for good friends. I spent my break with people I can count on. It's a blessing. Truly.

Exhausted now, and looking forward to December.

Face forward, and chin up, I shall continue to surf on this giant wave called life. Will probably fall off my board once in a while like I have done so in the past, but hey, the ride on the big wave is worth the trouble right? At least that is the way it goes.

27 more days till I hit 21. I need to think of more dreams and aspirations.... 21 is big to me; it signifies the official start of aging. The realistic passage of time... and so before I hit that, I need to think of things and places and all my dreams and pursuits... all my goals. For me. For life. For people. And strive to achieve =)

What is life without aspiration?

To do list coming up...

I need to let the sour past go. All the worries and tires, let live, let go.

Anyhow. I just wanted to say, Happy Belated Thanksgiving. Look inside and you will find that in some way or another, you are blessed. Somehow.

<3

Beauty Be Damned

Leonid Meteor shower, 2am - 5am

I am excited, but I am anxious.
What do you do in the face of beauty?
I feel like it is hard to look at a fleeting moment's beauty.
I can't capture it.
I can't fully remember it.
Cameras don't do the beauty justice. At all.
What do you do in the face of remarkableness?
How can we capture it in a way which is worthy?
How can we do it justice?
How can we keep the moment so that its short moment was worth it?
How can we remember it?
I can't.
I don't.
Sometimes I rather not see it; it makes it that much easier to live with not having the trouble and stress of capturing and remembering the magnificence of it all.
Yet I can't live without the beauty.

Damned if you do, Damned if you don't.

Hmm..

My Question is...

"How do you pick up where you left off?"

有-没有？

有时不珍惜
没有时想要

得不到时我们就很尽心去夺
得到时我们又开始嫌要新鲜

对面的总比眼前的好
如何才能控制个人心？

虽说知道不应该
我又开始好奇了
我很想知道他心
对我是否有意思

是喜欢，是无聊， 还是好胜？

啊。。。 要适可而止阿。
明知故犯 的家伙
当得了好朋友就算了吧

晚安

Back To Roots

It has been 2 months now since I last typed my last journal entry.

It's amazing how things change in such a short time... is this teenage years? College years? I'll tell you something, I cherish these days now.

After working, I decided life is so... monotonous when you work. I wonder, how will you have friends when you work? How will you find time to walk around and exercise? If I move to a new place where I don't really know anyone, how will I ever find friends? How do I make friends then?
I don't want to work. I like college life. I love the freedom. I love just dealing with homework. Papers. Exams. Getting long holidays. Scheduling your classes and having free time sometimes, up to your eyeballs with tasks the next.
It's senior year... I am just learning to embrace how wonderful it all is. Better late than never, I say. Where do I go from here?
I wish, I hope this year is a great one. Where I learn a lot about what I want and WHO I AM. It's funny we spend decades in our bodies and minds but we don't actually know who we are and we spend our lives searching and wondering and trying to accept. It's weird. It's like.. separate entities in one being.

Life keeps throwing curveballs.

The older you get, the more worries you have.

The older you get, the less real people get.

The older you get, the less you can show about yourself.

The older you get, the more diplomatic you have to learn to be. '

How much do we do out of obligation and necessity, and how much do we do just. because. we. WANT. TO?! When can we ever after we stop being kids?

暑假 幻想

一律律的事情发生了
已经差不多一个夏天了

生亡
感情
工作
思想


统统有了变化

最近看完了败犬女王
每次看完阮经天的戏 都会想。。。
为什么现实生活没有这样的男生？
没有那么聪明，高，体贴，专一，负责，疼惜， （自己觉得）帅气
的男生？？

现实生活果然差很多。
所以阿，作者都把幻想的美放在剧情里
这些转为少女写的戏剧
根本就是寄托了所有女人心里的幻想

我要
=(

先要减肥吧~~~

六个礼拜

六个礼拜而已， 变化百种

心境已变
多出了一个人
非常非常 重要
感觉非常非常强烈
不能改变
很难抛掉
看见让心里温暖

但

虽然我提起分
心里依然有你
忘不了
还是爱
牵挂
思念
想念
怀念
常常想起你的好
但是也会被提醒你的缺
我们是否应该在一起？
问题没有答案
怎么办？

秘密多多，重重叠叠
一个人怎么可以活在这个密嘛的森林里？

夺了别人的第一
自己已加多一变二

最令人伤心的是。。。 亲人的离去。
很难相信我再也不会看到你
想起时心里很难过。
再见。。。 希望您过得好。。。
谢谢我成长中的一切。。。
我永远不会忘记您
我非常的感谢您
再见了。


爱， 怎么知道是什么？
爱， 什么感觉？
爱， 多永久？

六个礼拜即将结束， 为我这段时间挂上个句号。
2009 年的暑假已经变成一个很难忘的时期了。

Feel Like

I feel like sitting somewhere.... anywhere peaceful and silent..
feel a bit of breeze.. or even the air from a fan
sit like a limp rag doll
sag my body against something solid

and just sit.
with someone.

without words.
without effort.
without smiles.
without trying.

just sit.
dont talk.


and let time pass...
just breathe...

feeling like time is infinite
feeling like there is nothing to get done
feeling no rush
feeling no pressure
feeling no stress
feeling no awkwardness
feeling no need to try

mmm.

tranquility.

有时

有时有一些事情会让我不知所措。
不知道怎么去想。。。也不知道自己自动的反应应不应该。。。

e.g. 突然听到别人一直出去玩。。。还是别人在一起吃饭。。。突然会insecure + worried

觉得有点无畏
可是不知道应该怎么去想和面对

我很奇怪吧。

I am

I am.....

Very impatient. Why do I always need to know, here and now? I always jump into thinking the present will become the future. So i always desire the present to be what I want the future to be. I seem to disregard that there is a process for everything; be it friendship, homework, studies, people, and even myself.

I don't know why.

I once learned that people who can resist fulfilling their desires have a higher EQ, and result in becoming more successful later in life. I am hoping I am not one of those that won't make it in life.

Other people have no problem waiting; they have no problem sitting there in their undesirable condition, tolerating. Me, I flip out. I wreck havoc on my internal self, I struggle in constant turmoil and I end up half-neglecting everything else in my life when I face emotional disturbances. I can't patiently tolerate and wait for things to get better. I need to make it better, with whatever means I have. Only when I pursue that satisfaction will I relax and excel at what I am supposed to do.

Does this make me childish? Immature? Impatient?

I always prefer to be late than early. The best would be punctual. But I would always prefer being late, if I had a choice (as in, I don't need to earn the respect/good impression or assert my authority with company) because I had waiting for people. That is probably the reason why I am late all the time. I just don't like standing there idly for minutes unnecessarily, waiting for people.

When I see what I want, I pursue it. I want it, and I will do what I have to, to get it. My turmoil starts up and won't rest when I see it leaving me or drifting further away from my grasp. Jealousy penetrates me heart when I see someone else reaching for it and getting it. And no, my internal struggles will not rest until I get it. And I don't have patience for it to drift back to me; I can't wait for it to come back. History taught me, esp in friendship, timing is key. You see what you want, you know what you want, you gotta go for it. Because for some reason, people are fickle. Sometimes when you miss out, you miss out on the big fish and you lose it to someone else. I will strive for it till I get it, till it is within reach. I will live in insecurity until I manage to get it where I want it, or close to where I desire.

Does that make me selfish?

I try to hide many of these emotions I have that are negative... jealousy. unnecessary insecurity. possessiveness. control freakness. loneliness. recluse. temper. anger. frustration. impatience.

I feel like usually these emotions, when expressed to public, will break your joy down, either within yourself or among other people, or between you and other people, more so than forge a closer relationship.

Sometimes we have to practice great restraint, great tolerance. And I have been working on that. I bite back my feelings and plaster on a wan smile. Then I think "this is not worth it" and I move on. I carry on, enlarging the smile...

Since college I have learned how to focus more on the big picture. It relates back to the impatience thing... and yes I am trying to change; I am working on it. I focus on the greater picture... for instance, if my friend starts to really annoy me with his/her comments... I bite back my urge to show how I really feel. I keep quiet. I try to keep the conversation going... I focus on something else. Why? Because I know the damage I can do by showing what I feel in that moment will outweigh the satisfaction that I can derive from expressing myself. And I know better than to lose things that are valuable to me now...

It hurts.

Many years ago, fizzled friendships left me dark and blue. I tried to fake illness to escape school; nope, it did not work. I was still to go school, the sinister place where I had to face what made me sick with nausea. It wasn't one person, it was a small group of people I considered my best friends. They had decided to turn on me one holiday; I was happy and in possession (first mistake) one week, and a week later, without seeing them because of family obligations, I lost. I lost big. They turned on me. They had sleepovers where they backstabbed and ripped my name into shreds. They talked about me in bad light. They turned my family pride into a name that was supposed to be degoratory. You know what hurt? The fact that they publicized how much fun they were having, as if rubbing golf ball sized salt pellets INTO my wound. Just rubbed hard, shoved the salt into my wound like bullet lodged in someone's heart. That hurt. It was humiliating to read off their blogs. It was superficial. Maybe this is why to some extent I care about these superficial declarations of friendship.

I trusted one of the people that actually tore me down. She acted like she was still my best bud. You know what she said the trigger was to this backstab fest? "You told everyone they were your best friend"... Yes I will admit I told this to two of them... but one person actually lied about that fact. Was I the jerk? She was one of them. I didn't see it coming at the time; I thought she just listened and reported to me behind their backs. But you see, when you have someone delivering these messages, they tend to be involved IN the message. She conveniently left those details out. She witnessed my anger and my hurt. I said spiteful things out of hurt... yet, I later found out, she was there with them bitching about me too.

We were all immature, this was years ago. It was typical high school drama. It has no lasting tie to your life after high school, yet this episode changed me. We never talked about this issue; we pretended that diplomacy was our goal in life and we threw a blanket over it. Everything just "became okay" after that. The entire time, I was still a "part of them" and I had to sit through their inside jokes, their happy hours while feeling miserable inside. And somehow, months later, we were "friends". No, no we were not. A wall came up. And trust, the most delicate and strong thing in a friendship... it was shattered. I can't forge friendship and trust. I can laugh it off, but I know what I feel inside. It is FAKE. Faker than the counterfeit goods in China.
I finally, one day, tried to patch things up with one of them. We hung out... and I finally asked her, what happened? Why did you guys do it? She pushed the blame onto "messenger-girl" - "well actually, she started bringing you up and bitching about it". She did not mention that she was part of it, the fuel of the fire. What is funny is... when messenger-girl told me about what happened... messenger-girl pushed the blame onto HER. Exact words, different names. When that girl told me how messenger-girl brought me up to shred first... i laughingly said "Oh, well it's okay, it is all over now anyway!"... I laughed. I brushed it off. And that was that. The blanket was thrown over the fire and the burnt charcoal; that was that.

Do you think they have any idea how much that impacted me? Thinking back normally, it doesn't seem that big a deal. Honestly. Like I said, it is high school drama crap. But... the change in my person seems to scream a different theory.
I think it was that moment I laughingly brushed off the hurt in front of someone else... I started realizing the importance of just tolerating and sucking up the shit in your life. You can't be frail in front of some people... you can't show your true colors. Because when you do, you lose control of yourself... and control of yourself is probably the most important thing you have in your life. You are the captain of your ship, the ship is all you have. Showing your true colors to the wrong person will result in you handing over the steering wheel.. no matter how brief the control you hand over is.

And that..... is called, in normal terms, Trust Issues.

I use to be very open with what I felt. I openly showed my expressions and emotions. If i was jealous, you would be able to tell, because I wanted you to know. If I was mad at you, I would not talk to you and would give you the cold shoulder until you realized it. I loved having someone to tell all my secrets to; a person I could speak my opinions to. Someone to trust and to love me unconditionally... a best friend. Now I know best friends truly are diamonds in the rough. They are so, so, so very rare. Hard to find, even harder to keep.

Now I have become an onion. Easy to approach, easy to find and always within reach. A good addition to your dishes, easy to cook. To get to the core though, there is great difficulty. Looks smooth... kind of like what you see is what you get. Think again... there are so many layers under that smooth exterior. So much trouble to get to the core.. layer after layer you have to peel. Until your eyes prick with tears...

Maybe that is exaggeration... but I never, ever tell every single little thing about me to ANYONE anymore. The person who knows the most is my sister. She understands me. I would tell her everything, but she is too far. But then again, if she was close, would I tell her everything to her face?

Since that episode, I found good friends. People that are trustworthy and who I know care about me. I found that, the people that I trust are not the "coolest, hippest, life-of-the-party" people that I always sought after. They are more low-key, less extroverted than me.
With utmost confidence, I can tell you that even the one who knows me best out of these very special few doesn't know me inside out. I think I am selective with what I say. So people will never understand every facet of me.... and there happens to be a lot.

People may talk, people may speculate... I will pretend I don't care while in fact I care so much it affects my life. Mope a little, I am only human. And the smile comes back on.

I enjoy life. I want to live it to the fullest. Life really IS too short. I have things I need to do with my life. I need to smile. I need to laugh. I want sunshine. I want adventure, and I want myself to have fun doing everything I do, with effortless style.

You know what.. I am so scared to even type what I truly think here... This is most of it. But there are some stuff that I can't even type here. Even though I know no one sees this. No one knows who I am here. Why am I so scared? I don't know.

Well. this is my momentary episode. I hope no one ever finds this!

I am water; I flow.

思考

sittin' here... listening to Ryuichi Sakamoto's Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence.
Intrumentals are thought-provoking..
they leave you with nostalgia or peace.. or some emotion that, even if sad, is welcoming.

即将告别大三的日子了。。。我这一下才想到。 3 年真的这样子一转眼就过了吗？ 虽然说觉得这些日子里成熟了多。。。学习和思考也变得比较成熟。。。但是总觉得进入大学。。。来到美国是不久前的事情。
我还记得我刚来到美国的时候。。。刚刚开始上大学的心情。。面对陌生人的心态。。与别人交流的时候。。。在宿舍的时候。。。去派对的时候。。。第一次喝那么多酒。。。旅行。。。被别人喜欢。。。上课的时候。。。 没有规律的生活的时候。。。 不开心的时候。。。 每一年所经历的挫折与欢乐。。。

真的点点滴滴的回忆。。。 我不想忘记。。。 因为这些回忆都形成了我成长的一部分。 我觉得我大学以后思想也有了变化。。。 可能比较想得开吧？对生活比较积极。。。 虽然还在学者不要放弃。。。学会接受自己。。。真的还有太多需要学习的地方。
可是我知道来了大学后我变的比较坚强比较有决心。


大学的日子快结束了。。。未来是什么样子的？ 一片蒙蒙。。。 真的不知道。有点害怕。

我希望这几年的付出和精力不会白费。。。我希望我会成功。
不想辜负别人对我的期望。

加油！

one thing

其实啊。。。
我现在想跟你说的是。。。

很抱歉

我的无知还有否认让你惊讶了
希望你没有伤心
但希望我在你心里还是特别的

我不能说出口
但是
你在我的心里
有一定的分量
我对你
也有一定的喜欢

要不然。。。我现在不会那么失落

我给你时间吧。。。你想跟我聊 ，我就很高兴的聊
不想理我，我也没办法了

我唯一担心事。。。 若我给你时间。。你会忘记我吗？
我们的友谊和关系会渐渐的消失吗？

如果我怕的万一成真。。。那也只好怪我吧。


对不起。

Somehow

Somehow...

I think it hurts me more than it does you.

It seems to matter more to me than it does to you.

I can't get you out of my mind anymore.

I can't sleep properly

I keep anticipating you reaching out to me.

I keep waiting for a sign that nothing has changed....

I know that is not true.

I wish you were interested

I am becoming too engrossed thinking about you

I shouldn't be.



... I wish I knew just what you are thinking. How you are feeling.

I miss you more than I thought I would.

危险

危险。。
真的好险。。

你让我想一脚踏两船。。。
我对你不是简单朋友的感觉。。。
这我今天才真正的意识到。

跟你讲清楚，是我的责任
是对的选择。
可是你又有什么反应呢？
我看不出，听不出。。。 你根本就不闻不问
我有点失望。

我担心关系会改变。。。
是不是表示心里其实早已有数？
你若对我有所改变。。。
我会很不开心。

今天我对你的每一句特别敏感
我的心反复跳动
一察觉有什么不同
我心有一点不舒服
闷闷的。。。 难过
是我想太多吗？
你是怎么想我的？

是我自作多情吗？
是你隐瞒厉害吗？
是你演技非凡吗？

说到底。。。。 我们也只可以这样
变化也难免
变叻也没办法
毕竟这是犯法
毕竟这不负责任
我不能自私

即使是“对人”，也是“错时候”

嗯。

Strange...

It is weird... really weird... that.. sometimes connections are made so easily and they bloom into something really great in a short time. That sometimes you meet someone completely by chance, randomly, but they become, overnight, such significant people that touch your heart.

I pulled an all nighter talking to someone on the phone for 7 hours. And i met the person a week ago. I spent around 3 days with the person, just chilling with other people, never really talking serious or spending alone time. yet somehow, we click SO well. We have amazing connection.
And I miss the person because I feel like we didn't spend enough time together and we are too far now.

In contrast, there are people who live close to me here, who I can see, who i DO see, but I feel no connection, no desire to be friends and I just KNOW in my heart that these people will be like the wind; they come and they go... unmemorable and unimportant. \

spring break was nothing short of awesome...

and now i just wanna get outta here.

but.... i feel like my heart is split into my portions.... there isnt a full one for just one person... and it disturbs me.

最可爱的吻

看完了连续剧，心情情绪必定受影响。。。
<<命中注定我爱你>> 真的很好看... 而且不会太肉麻... 很好笑...

我觉得啊, 最可爱的吻是额头上的吻...
因为它的含义种种...

有一种很纯真的感觉
有一种很诚心的关怀
表现了真心
表现了呵护
并没有任何性欲的意思.... 很单纯..

可能以女生的角度...觉得被吻的人保护 ... 马上好像小女生了!

我觉得那种单纯真心的感情... 最甜蜜, 最令人陶醉..最感动.

Quote

"If you are not living on the edge, you are taking up too much space."

一丁点

又来了

不高兴

没希望

没意义

窒息感

想回去

想重来

想离开

要更多

在回想

有后悔

有遗憾

有幸苦

淡味道

不精彩

烂朋友

太少人

天太冷

很悲哀

想离开。

is...

Is security in friendships THAT hard to find?

is it THAT hard to find a bunch of good friends? is it THAT hard to find some people you click with, can make you feel secure and can see you?

looks bleak.

友谊。。。 我可以给，但怎么一直失望？

pendulum

一直盘旋在 否定与肯定之间
没有明确的答案

你一直不让我明白
不让我死心
但你也不肯给我明确的事实

为何一直让我牵挂
没有了断

拖拖拉拉 又有什么结局？

依依不舍
放不了手

对我没有表现但是有奇怪的密语
每当我觉得你好象有感觉
你却把话讲的如此平淡
每当我觉得没有希望
你却把话讲的如此动感

你到底心里是怎么想？

还好。。

要学会怎么去handle worry 不可以让他导致自己什么也做不了。


“ 輸了這麼一次　當存點運氣”

。。。just take it easy


"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."

加油！

Bad Cards

Sometimes getting stuck with people is luck.

And throughout college, my luck has been decent. And now, because the universe has a way of balancing things... my luck has changed. Tides have changed and now I have been dealt a very bad hand of crap people.

It is so frustrating.. so very frustrating it brings tears to my eyes from being angry. What should I do? I refuse to succumb to a bad grade because of lazy people. I want to rise above and take charge, but it is hard. So many negative feelings and worry is overwhelming me.

I just want everyone to be decent enough to take responsibility as a member of the group and do the work. Why are some people just so lazy and so irresponsible? It is amazing.

People say look on the bright side, you can learn how to be a leader. Right now I feel nothing like one. I feel like maybe it is turning into power play or something. Like I need to fight for authority then use that to get them to go with what needs to be done.

I don't think that is the right way to do things at all. I need to learn how to be a leader.. but with my other obligations and commitments... it just seems really hard to do right now. I don't know. so many worries about things and getting involved and doing a good job...

I need a break = =

I HAVE TO STOP. PUSH ON THE BRAKES. NOW.
I GOTTA GET OVER IT NOW.


I am so confused. he knew but he still acted this way with me..... what doe sthat mean? he likes me but can't help it? he doesn't care about it because while he likes me there is no possibility it would work out? or the worst, HE DOESNT CARE, DOESNT LIKE ME... and I was just being stupid. He was just going along with me... and thats just the way he is.

oh good god.

i have no idea what to do...
but i know i need to stop this.

or i dont, but i need to get over it.

anger vent

if i don't seem like i like you that much, it is probably true.

I want to bitch. I want to bitch about this bitch. This bitch is such a bitch that she will bitch. she bitches about bitches or people she can just bitch about. there is nothing this bitch doesn't bitch about. there is nothing she doesn't spread. if there was a human radio, she is it. funny she can go on about people's business when everyone knows about hers. her dirty laundry are all over the street's.

she should care about her own massive vagina and her matching conker.

watch urself bitch.
BITCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

FFFFFFFFFFFFFUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFffff

why can't u disappear out of my life, out of the lives of people I care about.

FUK OFF BITCH

no one likes you .... the only friends you have are STDs from fucking around

Hummmm... a Muse ment

感觉好像慢慢要褪去了....
真的没有以前那么强烈...
而且开始可以像以前不在乎, 朋友的语气和心态跟他聊天...

不错不错!!

但是心里还是想知道他到底有没有喜欢我....

.. 就很好奇嘛...

我可是摆了一段时间在他身上!!!

情人节快乐

情人节.... 我觉得没有什么意思...
就等这一天来对你的爱人说我爱你吗? 今天才特别对他们好吗?

没有什么意思吧.

可是我心里觉得如果某个他有在乎我... 也会在今天有点什么的表现.
什么都没有.
一点失望, 但是因为没有那么喜欢了, 心里不会很难过.

但我现在总觉得朋友不多....至少表面上我没有以前那么多可以'superficially看到的东西了..
是我多想, 太在乎了吗?

可是好朋友们总会有点superficial 的表现吧...没有的话不是不正常?????

不知道..

Happy Valentines Day.

神奇

miraculous or not,
我终于，终于可以自信的说
I am getting over YOU.

恩。。

真的有需要一下子的时间
但始终做到
因为你不适合我
因为你不了解我
因为你不会哄我
因为你不会体贴我

因为你可能其实都没有在喜欢我

谢谢你给我那么美好的回忆
真的很甜蜜
真的很好玩

但

那已经是过去
已经一个月了
没有意思再想念
想起还会笑
还会从心里发出温暖的感觉
但是没有意思去怀念你
因为我发现我喜欢的是那是的你

可能就是在那个时候有感觉

现在没有意思了
现在没有甜蜜了
现在没有感觉了

感谢你让我以为原本会很无聊的寒假便那么愉快和浪漫

但是你不是我要的
你也不会是我的理想
你根本就不适合我

很高兴我发现
恩...

我已没有那份依依不舍的感觉
也没有那份恨不得你喜欢我的感觉
对你慢慢也没有要求
心里感到自由

我们变回朋友

恩..... 我会努力.
其实也没有那么难啦. 你根本都不是我想要的.

PLease

拜托 拜托，

let me get over HiM... Please let me get over HiM... I want to stop this obsession.
It sucks.

Why are you sending me mixed signals? Why do you seem flirtatious and also not seem to care?

Are you just using me to pass time and relief boredom? So you can toy while not really caring?
I don't want to think that you are such an asshole.

Do you like me? Is that why you always seem flirtatious? Is that why you do cute things? Is this why you asked me to dance with you in the moonlight?

Do you not like me in reality? Is that why you can go by without talking to me, and you give me so little attention online? Is this why I don't feel special? Is this why you said "you are my friend"?


受不了。。。 很想摆脱这份感情

太浪费时间和精力。 根本做不了事

。。。。拜托 啦。。。。 就爽快地跟我讲吧。。。 让我彻底的失望。让我高兴。。。。 随便。

Balance

Need to balance the superficial and the real.
Need to remember to appreciate what you have, but strive for what you aspire to.
Need to remember the need for wealth, but also the joy of simpler pleasures.
Need to remember where you come from, but also where you want to go.
Need to remember to party, but also to work hard.

You may be materialistic and enjoy that, but sometimes think about the people who have nothing and how lucky you are.

Reap the benefits of money and success, but also remember there are needy people out there who need our help.

Remember to share.

Remember that even a little... can accumulate to a lot.

Need to remember to go for your ambitions, but also to remember to help the poor and needy.

Always remember to "believe in yourself" and to "have confidence" and to "stay true to who you are". There isn't a balance equation for that...
I lack that. I need that.

Why can't i be kinder to myself? Why can't i have more confidence? I don't know what believing in myself means.

Ill try. I know one day I can help and make a difference. Because... what else is there (excluding religious reasons) if not this? You can't spend your whole life revolving around yourself and living for yourself. it just seems.... meaningless, somehow.

总会发生。

大家总会有过世的 一天。
你所爱所有。。。 也会有一天消失。

每当想到这个时，都会觉得我所担心，所埋怨的东西都很无畏，很。。 浪费时间。

若我们一辈子就这样为了事业奔跑。。。 只顾着男朋友，女朋友的问题。。。 想着喝酒，上床， 抽烟。。。 又有何意义？ 到最后。。。。。。 应该会感到一无所有。

虽然会忘记，可是我们应该要记得珍惜所有的一切。尽量不要和别人比较，自己该做的做好，演好角色。。。 也应该为他人着想。 贫穷家庭的幸福是怎么样的幸福？为什么他们两手空空却会幸福？我们应该请教他们来教育我们吧。很奇怪的，他们似乎掌握了人生的秘诀。 反而， 我们所谓 “幸福" 的人, 很多都感到郁闷.
有钱人啊, 难道你们就不能够施舍那么一点钱财时间去帮助别人吗?
有名人啊, 难道就不能利用你所拥有的名利权利去帮助他人吗?
平凡人啊, 难道就不能抽出一点时间,汗血去为有需的人服务吗?

这才叫意义吧.


我希望我有天可以创下一所有善基金... 帮助别人.
别再自私了...

加油!

States of Being*

To like someone brings hope and excitement.
To like someone and have them like you back, it is joy.
To like someone and have them love you back, it is bliss.
To love someone and have them love you back, it is euphoria.
To like someone and have them unaware, it is pain.
To like someone and have them not like you back, it is tragedy.
To love someone and have them not love you back, it is a curse.


I think it is a crush. I have thought all this while it is a crush. BUT I can't get over it. And I am very very worried it will turn into like. Then I think I would be lingering around pain and tragedy.

Unfortunately, what causes me more confusion is I don't know right now, if I am excited and hopeful, joyful, in pain, or just plain tragic.
And I think that is what is keeping me from moving on and getting on with my life.

Damn IT.

为什么感到寂寞
心情很复杂
心烦意乱
找不到平静的心境

很想找回开心平常的心态
却找不到

一只看到我没有的
看到我应该有的
看到别人有的
看到我失去的
为什么不是我
为什么有些事情那么不公平
为什么我不可以

他妈的

期望与失望

还以为昨晚你没有睡觉陪我聊天。。。 代表了什么
还以为。。。 昨晚你的稍微甜言蜜语是有含义的

原来不是；原来没有

拿的起就要可以放得下
可惜已经讲了一个礼拜
我还做不到

今天的测试
如果我不上网
如果一天没有我的消息
你会主动找我吗？
如果喜欢应该会吧。

我等了一天， 忍了一天
我明白了
也许这寒假里
我们的暧昧
我们之间的甜蜜
你那样主动地对我 （是你先开始的。。。）
你的每举每动
也就那样而已
随着假期的结束消失

没有固定的价值
不会继续的温柔

离开后也消失

你可不可以不要讲不清楚前说会令我感到甜蜜的话
别让我一而再再而三的期待和盼望
让我好好的放下心
别带给我失望
因为即使是一点的失望
心里也不舒服
也会心酸。

我在你的心里真的没有那特别的位置了吗？
你那么厉害，可以一离开就把心放下吗？

告诉我啦。让我高兴或让我彻底失望
别让我再想和牵挂
没有意思
浪费时间
无谓的思考


。。。 也不应该。


----------------


记得要以平常的心态去对待事情

恩。


新年快乐。

Is the juice worth the squeeze?

What do you want? How will you get there? You have to have priorities. That is how you know when to give up something and pursue something else.

Even though you know what you want, you have to be ready to work for it. Sometimes it will not be an easy road; sometimes you will want to give up because there are so many signs of discouragement. Sometimes you will think it is not meant to be. But you must know whether it is worth it or not. If you think the juice is worth the squeeze, pursue it. Never let up. be tenacious. Maybe when pursuing your goal you will feel insecure; sad; lonely; bored.... but remind yourself what your final destination is, and what you want to achieve. Is your goal worthy of your work? Does it deserve your perseverance? DO YOU WANT IT?

A marathon runner doesn't run those miles easily; they are out of breath, they fight the pain in their limbs. But watch them; when they cross the finish line, it is exhilarating pride and joy - and that makes them run the miles next time despite the excruciating pain.

Also, you cannot really compare the ease of the ride with other people. Different people want different things as they pursue different paths and goals in life. A person may be satisfied with one major and get an easy ride. If you want four majors to achieve your goals, you will have to be prepared to work four times as hard. You will need to know that the person who wants a single major can have fun and bounce around while you need to go to the library. It is just the way it is. The point is not who gets the easiest ride. What matters is you work for what you want and you get it.

Also, NO ONE will really show you how much hard work and blood and tears they put into achieving their goals. Maybe they stayed up all night but they didn't say it. Sometimes it just sounds easier when they say it... but you never see what goes on behind. So.... just do your own thing. Put in your own work.


OK.

relieved

HEHE.. i am happy to say that my heart is returning to where it is supposed to belong.. maybe because "winter fling" just doesn't pay enough attention to me.. or is too much of a cold fish!!! or maybe he doesn't actually like me. But whatever it is... I am "going home"... a fling is not worth it to jeopardize a caring relationship. esp one where you were so clear that he liked you but suddenly not so clear anymore....

<3

stupidity feels like this

god... i feel so stupid.
to think that, maybe.. there was some sort of spark. some sort of chemistry?

well, flirtation and suggestions don't mean nothing
when the person is too occupied to even talk to you
it doesn't mean squat
if the person doesn't peel his eyes away from whatever damn thing he is doing
and give you attention
especially when you are *upset* (vaguely)

... it really doesn't mean squat.
and again, it proves to me that words are not to be trusted. fun and sensational, they mislead and disappoint.

oh yeah they do. nothing like a cold shower to wake me up.

thanks, but no thanks.

now i just need to try to remember this... because, unfortunately for me, i was expecting something. and somehow i know, deep inside i am still. i just need it smacked between my eyes before i will let go?

but no. i will start. now.

good night.

知道知道知道..

我知道要好好珍惜
但总觉得感觉慢慢远离...

不知所措.

inauguration

Gotta say,


Obama is one hell of a speaker. He gave me chills when he ended that speech.

假期回来总是会有几分 伤感, 几分失落...
依依不舍的感觉

应该会不久后消失吧..
好像那种感觉也慢慢的比前几年强烈了

是不是因为这里太无聊了阿..

不好啊。。。

虽然知道不行，
但还是情不自禁。


这时怎么办？

不想做对不起别人的事情
要调理把冬季心情收起来
假装不介意
假装没意义
把心里的情埋盖掉
点点滴滴的好感收回

也许慢慢的会忘掉那时瞬间的甜蜜
希望能尽快回到原来的起点
不值得
也没结果
为何要牵挂
为何要思念
为何要留念
为何要回想
为何要假设

忘了吧
请从我的心里消失
就当成一片甜蜜回忆
留在那冬季。

untitled

As they so very often say..

"Nothing Gold Can Stay".

Thoughts

once upon a time, so simple and pure
relationships, they were the cure
stay a little while,
bring you a smile
it was really just so simple and pure.

its all different now..
agendas and plots and schemes
come close to the flame u will feel the heat
look at the rose, you will feel the thorns
it's all shields and swords.

why is it so different?
why must people change?
why must they betray?
why must they be fake?

who can you trust?
who cant you trust?
who is your friend?
who is just your acquaintance?

... i wonder...
labels are so loosely and simply used
love is now trash. it is synonymous with lust.
best friend can be the back stabbing bitch
good friends are people who you will never talk to again in 2 years.

is this what the society amounts to now?