It just occurred to me... 2010 is going to end soon. I commenced in May, and I thought, wow we are almost halfway through with 2010. Now, it is mid August, and we are more than halfway through with 2010. And summer seemed to have started not too long ago. It is really weird how time passes by so quickly.
2010 is almost done... I want to have accomplished something... mentally or not, by the time I become 22.
OMG. 22 years old. I am ending my 21st year of life. This is pretty big. I am getting old.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
A ways to Go
This weekend, with all the stress and exhaustion, TAS and I had a huge row, getting into a huge fight.
I realized that I really do care for him deeply... I suppose that feeling is love. I love the idea of me being in love with him though... it is wonderful.
But I also realized, he has ways to go before being the man I need and want in my life. He has to grow up, become a mature man who can take responsibility and do things properly for himself, to be able to take care of me and also someone who has initiative to sort things out.
Besides all this, I still want him. Yesterday when things finally winded down, we made up. It was really nice, because what we have hasn't changed. And at night, we got back at someone by doing something on that person's bed. hurhurhur.
It was the most amazing experience. So much desire and passion, so much want... but so gentle... so much love that it was almost unsexual. It was soft and sensual, romantic and sweet. Together, we were. A reunion. And it was truly something passionate and loving. I felt it, and I have never felt it before. It was like, being desperate to give everything you have and take everything the other person has, the desire to want the other person to feel everything you have while being really gentle. Kissing every surface that comes close to your lips.... wow.
Mmm... after that tears sprang to my eyes because I really felt it. Beautiful.
Love is a four letter word.
I realized that I really do care for him deeply... I suppose that feeling is love. I love the idea of me being in love with him though... it is wonderful.
But I also realized, he has ways to go before being the man I need and want in my life. He has to grow up, become a mature man who can take responsibility and do things properly for himself, to be able to take care of me and also someone who has initiative to sort things out.
Besides all this, I still want him. Yesterday when things finally winded down, we made up. It was really nice, because what we have hasn't changed. And at night, we got back at someone by doing something on that person's bed. hurhurhur.
It was the most amazing experience. So much desire and passion, so much want... but so gentle... so much love that it was almost unsexual. It was soft and sensual, romantic and sweet. Together, we were. A reunion. And it was truly something passionate and loving. I felt it, and I have never felt it before. It was like, being desperate to give everything you have and take everything the other person has, the desire to want the other person to feel everything you have while being really gentle. Kissing every surface that comes close to your lips.... wow.
Mmm... after that tears sprang to my eyes because I really felt it. Beautiful.
Love is a four letter word.
Officially
I am officially...
1) graduated
2) homeless
3) unemployed
4) almost friendless
5) in awe of nature
Let's elaborate on my past weekend shall we? The weekend of 8/14 - 8/16.
1) I officially graduated on 8/8. That was the last official day of summer school, even though my class really ended 4 days before. I ended college on a good note; I got the highest final exam score in my class, and my professor really liked me. He might be a good one to ask for a recommendation from. So I am now an alumni; gotta say, it is a weird feeling to be really completely out of school. No september "school starts now" dates. No winter "break". No summer "vacation". This is what is like to be done... to be thrown into unemployment, to say the least! Done with college. Yet somehow, I have not discarded my childish mentalities when it comes to some things, such as friends, social life and what not. This is a really hard battle to fight... and I am struggling to overcome my immature mentality.
2) Yes. I am homeless. 8/14 was when I moved out of 430 West Johnson Street, my beloved apartment for 2 years. Packing was hectic, moving out was even MORE hectic. It was a nightmare weekend, to say the least. I was exhausted, sick, and overwhelmingly busy and stressed. Now, I will bum around at people's houses while I try to figure out my next step. To stay in Madison, or not to stay? To move to San Francisco or not to move? Ah, these are the questions. I hate being homeless, my home was my sanctuary, no matter how dirty or messy it was. Now I feel uprooted.
3) Unemployed. 'nuff said.
4) The last of my Hk bunch friends moved out of madison. Geoff went back to HK, Natalie moved to Chicago. Now I am waiting for Diana to get back... then she'd be my only friend. The plus side is, I can prob work on my friendship with her, maybe get something substantial from that. Malaysians all left... just a few left that I can probably work on. Besides all this, I feel really friendless. It almost makes me question, who were my friends? I mean people left, but I was alright. Now, though, I feel like I have literally no friends. Just a whole bunch of acquaintances I barely want to hang out with. Makes me sad.
5) On the night of 8/14, I was homeless with TAS. My friend, whose place I was going to bum at, he invited us to go to Devil's Lake with him and his friends, in particular, this one guy whose grandparents have a cottage up there, by a lake. We were hesitant at first, but we went eventually. Turned out to be one of the best decisions ever. That day, I conquered my fear of heights; I climbed a bluff. Lemme tell you, that was a pretty high bluff and I was up there climbing away clammering for rocks and boulders to hang on to. One slip, I would have fallen and shattered my poor little skull on a massive rock. I did it... barefoot... and when I reached the top of the bluff, the view was breathtaking, simply gorgeous. When we were finally coming down from the bluff, I looked at the view of the lake... the moon was reflected onto the surface of the water. It was really something beautiful. It made me miss the times when I went hiking... camping... just nature activities. We are too caught up in city life to even think about nature... And you know what, I finally understood the proper life of the Midwest, or anywhere "hick". It's the beauty of nature and all these outdoor activities that you can fully indulge in... it is a gift to the place that no man can ever synthesize. It felt really amazing to be outdoors, to feel the humid hair hit my face and run through my hair...
That night was even more amazing. Mike's grandparents have a lovely cottage, right next to a lake. Their backyard is grass and a lake. That's not the most amazing part. I already thought my day was amazing... until night fell and I looked up... to a billion stars. The number of glowing sparkles in the sky really, truly, blew my mind. The sky was shimmering... and that night, I saw the milky way for the first time. The Nebula. Oh god... It was just incredibly beautiful. It is certainly an image I wish to preserve in my head for the rest of my life. I just felt so happy, so joyful, so at peace and filled with appreciation for the world. All of us jumped off the dock, and into warm lake water. It was amazing. There were clams at the bottom of the lake too! Soft sand at the bottom of the lake... We swam and floated on our backs. I remember doing that and looking up to shimmers in the dark sky...
It was really astounding. It felt so wonderful.
Seeing the big sky with all its glorious lights made me feel really small. We are simply small specks in this lake, and this lake is a small part of the state, which is one of 50 in the United States, which is one of the numerous countries on this planet, which is one of the many planets in the solar system, which is one of the many in the galaxy, which is one of the many in the universe.
If you think about it, we are comparable to little ants in a big farm.
Why are we always so caught up with our lives? Sometimes all we need is a little nature to put things in perspective.
I have never done or seen something like that in my life. Not even year 12 in Thailand could compare to that. It was the most amazing thing ever. To be honest, it completely made my summer. Totally worth it... I felt so rejuvenated after.
I just wanted to put that memory down somewhere so that it can officially be something to remember.
-----
1) graduated
2) homeless
3) unemployed
4) almost friendless
5) in awe of nature
Let's elaborate on my past weekend shall we? The weekend of 8/14 - 8/16.
1) I officially graduated on 8/8. That was the last official day of summer school, even though my class really ended 4 days before. I ended college on a good note; I got the highest final exam score in my class, and my professor really liked me. He might be a good one to ask for a recommendation from. So I am now an alumni; gotta say, it is a weird feeling to be really completely out of school. No september "school starts now" dates. No winter "break". No summer "vacation". This is what is like to be done... to be thrown into unemployment, to say the least! Done with college. Yet somehow, I have not discarded my childish mentalities when it comes to some things, such as friends, social life and what not. This is a really hard battle to fight... and I am struggling to overcome my immature mentality.
2) Yes. I am homeless. 8/14 was when I moved out of 430 West Johnson Street, my beloved apartment for 2 years. Packing was hectic, moving out was even MORE hectic. It was a nightmare weekend, to say the least. I was exhausted, sick, and overwhelmingly busy and stressed. Now, I will bum around at people's houses while I try to figure out my next step. To stay in Madison, or not to stay? To move to San Francisco or not to move? Ah, these are the questions. I hate being homeless, my home was my sanctuary, no matter how dirty or messy it was. Now I feel uprooted.
3) Unemployed. 'nuff said.
4) The last of my Hk bunch friends moved out of madison. Geoff went back to HK, Natalie moved to Chicago. Now I am waiting for Diana to get back... then she'd be my only friend. The plus side is, I can prob work on my friendship with her, maybe get something substantial from that. Malaysians all left... just a few left that I can probably work on. Besides all this, I feel really friendless. It almost makes me question, who were my friends? I mean people left, but I was alright. Now, though, I feel like I have literally no friends. Just a whole bunch of acquaintances I barely want to hang out with. Makes me sad.
5) On the night of 8/14, I was homeless with TAS. My friend, whose place I was going to bum at, he invited us to go to Devil's Lake with him and his friends, in particular, this one guy whose grandparents have a cottage up there, by a lake. We were hesitant at first, but we went eventually. Turned out to be one of the best decisions ever. That day, I conquered my fear of heights; I climbed a bluff. Lemme tell you, that was a pretty high bluff and I was up there climbing away clammering for rocks and boulders to hang on to. One slip, I would have fallen and shattered my poor little skull on a massive rock. I did it... barefoot... and when I reached the top of the bluff, the view was breathtaking, simply gorgeous. When we were finally coming down from the bluff, I looked at the view of the lake... the moon was reflected onto the surface of the water. It was really something beautiful. It made me miss the times when I went hiking... camping... just nature activities. We are too caught up in city life to even think about nature... And you know what, I finally understood the proper life of the Midwest, or anywhere "hick". It's the beauty of nature and all these outdoor activities that you can fully indulge in... it is a gift to the place that no man can ever synthesize. It felt really amazing to be outdoors, to feel the humid hair hit my face and run through my hair...
That night was even more amazing. Mike's grandparents have a lovely cottage, right next to a lake. Their backyard is grass and a lake. That's not the most amazing part. I already thought my day was amazing... until night fell and I looked up... to a billion stars. The number of glowing sparkles in the sky really, truly, blew my mind. The sky was shimmering... and that night, I saw the milky way for the first time. The Nebula. Oh god... It was just incredibly beautiful. It is certainly an image I wish to preserve in my head for the rest of my life. I just felt so happy, so joyful, so at peace and filled with appreciation for the world. All of us jumped off the dock, and into warm lake water. It was amazing. There were clams at the bottom of the lake too! Soft sand at the bottom of the lake... We swam and floated on our backs. I remember doing that and looking up to shimmers in the dark sky...
It was really astounding. It felt so wonderful.
Seeing the big sky with all its glorious lights made me feel really small. We are simply small specks in this lake, and this lake is a small part of the state, which is one of 50 in the United States, which is one of the numerous countries on this planet, which is one of the many planets in the solar system, which is one of the many in the galaxy, which is one of the many in the universe.
If you think about it, we are comparable to little ants in a big farm.
Why are we always so caught up with our lives? Sometimes all we need is a little nature to put things in perspective.
I have never done or seen something like that in my life. Not even year 12 in Thailand could compare to that. It was the most amazing thing ever. To be honest, it completely made my summer. Totally worth it... I felt so rejuvenated after.
I just wanted to put that memory down somewhere so that it can officially be something to remember.
-----
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