有时有一些事情会让我不知所措。
不知道怎么去想。。。也不知道自己自动的反应应不应该。。。
e.g. 突然听到别人一直出去玩。。。还是别人在一起吃饭。。。突然会insecure + worried
觉得有点无畏
可是不知道应该怎么去想和面对
我很奇怪吧。
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I am
I am.....
Very impatient. Why do I always need to know, here and now? I always jump into thinking the present will become the future. So i always desire the present to be what I want the future to be. I seem to disregard that there is a process for everything; be it friendship, homework, studies, people, and even myself.
I don't know why.
I once learned that people who can resist fulfilling their desires have a higher EQ, and result in becoming more successful later in life. I am hoping I am not one of those that won't make it in life.
Other people have no problem waiting; they have no problem sitting there in their undesirable condition, tolerating. Me, I flip out. I wreck havoc on my internal self, I struggle in constant turmoil and I end up half-neglecting everything else in my life when I face emotional disturbances. I can't patiently tolerate and wait for things to get better. I need to make it better, with whatever means I have. Only when I pursue that satisfaction will I relax and excel at what I am supposed to do.
Does this make me childish? Immature? Impatient?
I always prefer to be late than early. The best would be punctual. But I would always prefer being late, if I had a choice (as in, I don't need to earn the respect/good impression or assert my authority with company) because I had waiting for people. That is probably the reason why I am late all the time. I just don't like standing there idly for minutes unnecessarily, waiting for people.
When I see what I want, I pursue it. I want it, and I will do what I have to, to get it. My turmoil starts up and won't rest when I see it leaving me or drifting further away from my grasp. Jealousy penetrates me heart when I see someone else reaching for it and getting it. And no, my internal struggles will not rest until I get it. And I don't have patience for it to drift back to me; I can't wait for it to come back. History taught me, esp in friendship, timing is key. You see what you want, you know what you want, you gotta go for it. Because for some reason, people are fickle. Sometimes when you miss out, you miss out on the big fish and you lose it to someone else. I will strive for it till I get it, till it is within reach. I will live in insecurity until I manage to get it where I want it, or close to where I desire.
Does that make me selfish?
I try to hide many of these emotions I have that are negative... jealousy. unnecessary insecurity. possessiveness. control freakness. loneliness. recluse. temper. anger. frustration. impatience.
I feel like usually these emotions, when expressed to public, will break your joy down, either within yourself or among other people, or between you and other people, more so than forge a closer relationship.
Sometimes we have to practice great restraint, great tolerance. And I have been working on that. I bite back my feelings and plaster on a wan smile. Then I think "this is not worth it" and I move on. I carry on, enlarging the smile...
Since college I have learned how to focus more on the big picture. It relates back to the impatience thing... and yes I am trying to change; I am working on it. I focus on the greater picture... for instance, if my friend starts to really annoy me with his/her comments... I bite back my urge to show how I really feel. I keep quiet. I try to keep the conversation going... I focus on something else. Why? Because I know the damage I can do by showing what I feel in that moment will outweigh the satisfaction that I can derive from expressing myself. And I know better than to lose things that are valuable to me now...
It hurts.
Many years ago, fizzled friendships left me dark and blue. I tried to fake illness to escape school; nope, it did not work. I was still to go school, the sinister place where I had to face what made me sick with nausea. It wasn't one person, it was a small group of people I considered my best friends. They had decided to turn on me one holiday; I was happy and in possession (first mistake) one week, and a week later, without seeing them because of family obligations, I lost. I lost big. They turned on me. They had sleepovers where they backstabbed and ripped my name into shreds. They talked about me in bad light. They turned my family pride into a name that was supposed to be degoratory. You know what hurt? The fact that they publicized how much fun they were having, as if rubbing golf ball sized salt pellets INTO my wound. Just rubbed hard, shoved the salt into my wound like bullet lodged in someone's heart. That hurt. It was humiliating to read off their blogs. It was superficial. Maybe this is why to some extent I care about these superficial declarations of friendship.
I trusted one of the people that actually tore me down. She acted like she was still my best bud. You know what she said the trigger was to this backstab fest? "You told everyone they were your best friend"... Yes I will admit I told this to two of them... but one person actually lied about that fact. Was I the jerk? She was one of them. I didn't see it coming at the time; I thought she just listened and reported to me behind their backs. But you see, when you have someone delivering these messages, they tend to be involved IN the message. She conveniently left those details out. She witnessed my anger and my hurt. I said spiteful things out of hurt... yet, I later found out, she was there with them bitching about me too.
We were all immature, this was years ago. It was typical high school drama. It has no lasting tie to your life after high school, yet this episode changed me. We never talked about this issue; we pretended that diplomacy was our goal in life and we threw a blanket over it. Everything just "became okay" after that. The entire time, I was still a "part of them" and I had to sit through their inside jokes, their happy hours while feeling miserable inside. And somehow, months later, we were "friends". No, no we were not. A wall came up. And trust, the most delicate and strong thing in a friendship... it was shattered. I can't forge friendship and trust. I can laugh it off, but I know what I feel inside. It is FAKE. Faker than the counterfeit goods in China.
I finally, one day, tried to patch things up with one of them. We hung out... and I finally asked her, what happened? Why did you guys do it? She pushed the blame onto "messenger-girl" - "well actually, she started bringing you up and bitching about it". She did not mention that she was part of it, the fuel of the fire. What is funny is... when messenger-girl told me about what happened... messenger-girl pushed the blame onto HER. Exact words, different names. When that girl told me how messenger-girl brought me up to shred first... i laughingly said "Oh, well it's okay, it is all over now anyway!"... I laughed. I brushed it off. And that was that. The blanket was thrown over the fire and the burnt charcoal; that was that.
Do you think they have any idea how much that impacted me? Thinking back normally, it doesn't seem that big a deal. Honestly. Like I said, it is high school drama crap. But... the change in my person seems to scream a different theory.
I think it was that moment I laughingly brushed off the hurt in front of someone else... I started realizing the importance of just tolerating and sucking up the shit in your life. You can't be frail in front of some people... you can't show your true colors. Because when you do, you lose control of yourself... and control of yourself is probably the most important thing you have in your life. You are the captain of your ship, the ship is all you have. Showing your true colors to the wrong person will result in you handing over the steering wheel.. no matter how brief the control you hand over is.
And that..... is called, in normal terms, Trust Issues.
I use to be very open with what I felt. I openly showed my expressions and emotions. If i was jealous, you would be able to tell, because I wanted you to know. If I was mad at you, I would not talk to you and would give you the cold shoulder until you realized it. I loved having someone to tell all my secrets to; a person I could speak my opinions to. Someone to trust and to love me unconditionally... a best friend. Now I know best friends truly are diamonds in the rough. They are so, so, so very rare. Hard to find, even harder to keep.
Now I have become an onion. Easy to approach, easy to find and always within reach. A good addition to your dishes, easy to cook. To get to the core though, there is great difficulty. Looks smooth... kind of like what you see is what you get. Think again... there are so many layers under that smooth exterior. So much trouble to get to the core.. layer after layer you have to peel. Until your eyes prick with tears...
Maybe that is exaggeration... but I never, ever tell every single little thing about me to ANYONE anymore. The person who knows the most is my sister. She understands me. I would tell her everything, but she is too far. But then again, if she was close, would I tell her everything to her face?
Since that episode, I found good friends. People that are trustworthy and who I know care about me. I found that, the people that I trust are not the "coolest, hippest, life-of-the-party" people that I always sought after. They are more low-key, less extroverted than me.
With utmost confidence, I can tell you that even the one who knows me best out of these very special few doesn't know me inside out. I think I am selective with what I say. So people will never understand every facet of me.... and there happens to be a lot.
People may talk, people may speculate... I will pretend I don't care while in fact I care so much it affects my life. Mope a little, I am only human. And the smile comes back on.
I enjoy life. I want to live it to the fullest. Life really IS too short. I have things I need to do with my life. I need to smile. I need to laugh. I want sunshine. I want adventure, and I want myself to have fun doing everything I do, with effortless style.
You know what.. I am so scared to even type what I truly think here... This is most of it. But there are some stuff that I can't even type here. Even though I know no one sees this. No one knows who I am here. Why am I so scared? I don't know.
Well. this is my momentary episode. I hope no one ever finds this!
I am water; I flow.
Very impatient. Why do I always need to know, here and now? I always jump into thinking the present will become the future. So i always desire the present to be what I want the future to be. I seem to disregard that there is a process for everything; be it friendship, homework, studies, people, and even myself.
I don't know why.
I once learned that people who can resist fulfilling their desires have a higher EQ, and result in becoming more successful later in life. I am hoping I am not one of those that won't make it in life.
Other people have no problem waiting; they have no problem sitting there in their undesirable condition, tolerating. Me, I flip out. I wreck havoc on my internal self, I struggle in constant turmoil and I end up half-neglecting everything else in my life when I face emotional disturbances. I can't patiently tolerate and wait for things to get better. I need to make it better, with whatever means I have. Only when I pursue that satisfaction will I relax and excel at what I am supposed to do.
Does this make me childish? Immature? Impatient?
I always prefer to be late than early. The best would be punctual. But I would always prefer being late, if I had a choice (as in, I don't need to earn the respect/good impression or assert my authority with company) because I had waiting for people. That is probably the reason why I am late all the time. I just don't like standing there idly for minutes unnecessarily, waiting for people.
When I see what I want, I pursue it. I want it, and I will do what I have to, to get it. My turmoil starts up and won't rest when I see it leaving me or drifting further away from my grasp. Jealousy penetrates me heart when I see someone else reaching for it and getting it. And no, my internal struggles will not rest until I get it. And I don't have patience for it to drift back to me; I can't wait for it to come back. History taught me, esp in friendship, timing is key. You see what you want, you know what you want, you gotta go for it. Because for some reason, people are fickle. Sometimes when you miss out, you miss out on the big fish and you lose it to someone else. I will strive for it till I get it, till it is within reach. I will live in insecurity until I manage to get it where I want it, or close to where I desire.
Does that make me selfish?
I try to hide many of these emotions I have that are negative... jealousy. unnecessary insecurity. possessiveness. control freakness. loneliness. recluse. temper. anger. frustration. impatience.
I feel like usually these emotions, when expressed to public, will break your joy down, either within yourself or among other people, or between you and other people, more so than forge a closer relationship.
Sometimes we have to practice great restraint, great tolerance. And I have been working on that. I bite back my feelings and plaster on a wan smile. Then I think "this is not worth it" and I move on. I carry on, enlarging the smile...
Since college I have learned how to focus more on the big picture. It relates back to the impatience thing... and yes I am trying to change; I am working on it. I focus on the greater picture... for instance, if my friend starts to really annoy me with his/her comments... I bite back my urge to show how I really feel. I keep quiet. I try to keep the conversation going... I focus on something else. Why? Because I know the damage I can do by showing what I feel in that moment will outweigh the satisfaction that I can derive from expressing myself. And I know better than to lose things that are valuable to me now...
It hurts.
Many years ago, fizzled friendships left me dark and blue. I tried to fake illness to escape school; nope, it did not work. I was still to go school, the sinister place where I had to face what made me sick with nausea. It wasn't one person, it was a small group of people I considered my best friends. They had decided to turn on me one holiday; I was happy and in possession (first mistake) one week, and a week later, without seeing them because of family obligations, I lost. I lost big. They turned on me. They had sleepovers where they backstabbed and ripped my name into shreds. They talked about me in bad light. They turned my family pride into a name that was supposed to be degoratory. You know what hurt? The fact that they publicized how much fun they were having, as if rubbing golf ball sized salt pellets INTO my wound. Just rubbed hard, shoved the salt into my wound like bullet lodged in someone's heart. That hurt. It was humiliating to read off their blogs. It was superficial. Maybe this is why to some extent I care about these superficial declarations of friendship.
I trusted one of the people that actually tore me down. She acted like she was still my best bud. You know what she said the trigger was to this backstab fest? "You told everyone they were your best friend"... Yes I will admit I told this to two of them... but one person actually lied about that fact. Was I the jerk? She was one of them. I didn't see it coming at the time; I thought she just listened and reported to me behind their backs. But you see, when you have someone delivering these messages, they tend to be involved IN the message. She conveniently left those details out. She witnessed my anger and my hurt. I said spiteful things out of hurt... yet, I later found out, she was there with them bitching about me too.
We were all immature, this was years ago. It was typical high school drama. It has no lasting tie to your life after high school, yet this episode changed me. We never talked about this issue; we pretended that diplomacy was our goal in life and we threw a blanket over it. Everything just "became okay" after that. The entire time, I was still a "part of them" and I had to sit through their inside jokes, their happy hours while feeling miserable inside. And somehow, months later, we were "friends". No, no we were not. A wall came up. And trust, the most delicate and strong thing in a friendship... it was shattered. I can't forge friendship and trust. I can laugh it off, but I know what I feel inside. It is FAKE. Faker than the counterfeit goods in China.
I finally, one day, tried to patch things up with one of them. We hung out... and I finally asked her, what happened? Why did you guys do it? She pushed the blame onto "messenger-girl" - "well actually, she started bringing you up and bitching about it". She did not mention that she was part of it, the fuel of the fire. What is funny is... when messenger-girl told me about what happened... messenger-girl pushed the blame onto HER. Exact words, different names. When that girl told me how messenger-girl brought me up to shred first... i laughingly said "Oh, well it's okay, it is all over now anyway!"... I laughed. I brushed it off. And that was that. The blanket was thrown over the fire and the burnt charcoal; that was that.
Do you think they have any idea how much that impacted me? Thinking back normally, it doesn't seem that big a deal. Honestly. Like I said, it is high school drama crap. But... the change in my person seems to scream a different theory.
I think it was that moment I laughingly brushed off the hurt in front of someone else... I started realizing the importance of just tolerating and sucking up the shit in your life. You can't be frail in front of some people... you can't show your true colors. Because when you do, you lose control of yourself... and control of yourself is probably the most important thing you have in your life. You are the captain of your ship, the ship is all you have. Showing your true colors to the wrong person will result in you handing over the steering wheel.. no matter how brief the control you hand over is.
And that..... is called, in normal terms, Trust Issues.
I use to be very open with what I felt. I openly showed my expressions and emotions. If i was jealous, you would be able to tell, because I wanted you to know. If I was mad at you, I would not talk to you and would give you the cold shoulder until you realized it. I loved having someone to tell all my secrets to; a person I could speak my opinions to. Someone to trust and to love me unconditionally... a best friend. Now I know best friends truly are diamonds in the rough. They are so, so, so very rare. Hard to find, even harder to keep.
Now I have become an onion. Easy to approach, easy to find and always within reach. A good addition to your dishes, easy to cook. To get to the core though, there is great difficulty. Looks smooth... kind of like what you see is what you get. Think again... there are so many layers under that smooth exterior. So much trouble to get to the core.. layer after layer you have to peel. Until your eyes prick with tears...
Maybe that is exaggeration... but I never, ever tell every single little thing about me to ANYONE anymore. The person who knows the most is my sister. She understands me. I would tell her everything, but she is too far. But then again, if she was close, would I tell her everything to her face?
Since that episode, I found good friends. People that are trustworthy and who I know care about me. I found that, the people that I trust are not the "coolest, hippest, life-of-the-party" people that I always sought after. They are more low-key, less extroverted than me.
With utmost confidence, I can tell you that even the one who knows me best out of these very special few doesn't know me inside out. I think I am selective with what I say. So people will never understand every facet of me.... and there happens to be a lot.
People may talk, people may speculate... I will pretend I don't care while in fact I care so much it affects my life. Mope a little, I am only human. And the smile comes back on.
I enjoy life. I want to live it to the fullest. Life really IS too short. I have things I need to do with my life. I need to smile. I need to laugh. I want sunshine. I want adventure, and I want myself to have fun doing everything I do, with effortless style.
You know what.. I am so scared to even type what I truly think here... This is most of it. But there are some stuff that I can't even type here. Even though I know no one sees this. No one knows who I am here. Why am I so scared? I don't know.
Well. this is my momentary episode. I hope no one ever finds this!
I am water; I flow.
Friday, April 10, 2009
思考
sittin' here... listening to Ryuichi Sakamoto's Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence.
Intrumentals are thought-provoking..
they leave you with nostalgia or peace.. or some emotion that, even if sad, is welcoming.
即将告别大三的日子了。。。我这一下才想到。 3 年真的这样子一转眼就过了吗？ 虽然说觉得这些日子里成熟了多。。。学习和思考也变得比较成熟。。。但是总觉得进入大学。。。来到美国是不久前的事情。
我还记得我刚来到美国的时候。。。刚刚开始上大学的心情。。面对陌生人的心态。。与别人交流的时候。。。在宿舍的时候。。。去派对的时候。。。第一次喝那么多酒。。。旅行。。。被别人喜欢。。。上课的时候。。。 没有规律的生活的时候。。。 不开心的时候。。。 每一年所经历的挫折与欢乐。。。
真的点点滴滴的回忆。。。 我不想忘记。。。 因为这些回忆都形成了我成长的一部分。 我觉得我大学以后思想也有了变化。。。 可能比较想得开吧？对生活比较积极。。。 虽然还在学者不要放弃。。。学会接受自己。。。真的还有太多需要学习的地方。
可是我知道来了大学后我变的比较坚强比较有决心。
大学的日子快结束了。。。未来是什么样子的？ 一片蒙蒙。。。 真的不知道。有点害怕。
我希望这几年的付出和精力不会白费。。。我希望我会成功。
不想辜负别人对我的期望。
加油！
Intrumentals are thought-provoking..
they leave you with nostalgia or peace.. or some emotion that, even if sad, is welcoming.
即将告别大三的日子了。。。我这一下才想到。 3 年真的这样子一转眼就过了吗？ 虽然说觉得这些日子里成熟了多。。。学习和思考也变得比较成熟。。。但是总觉得进入大学。。。来到美国是不久前的事情。
我还记得我刚来到美国的时候。。。刚刚开始上大学的心情。。面对陌生人的心态。。与别人交流的时候。。。在宿舍的时候。。。去派对的时候。。。第一次喝那么多酒。。。旅行。。。被别人喜欢。。。上课的时候。。。 没有规律的生活的时候。。。 不开心的时候。。。 每一年所经历的挫折与欢乐。。。
真的点点滴滴的回忆。。。 我不想忘记。。。 因为这些回忆都形成了我成长的一部分。 我觉得我大学以后思想也有了变化。。。 可能比较想得开吧？对生活比较积极。。。 虽然还在学者不要放弃。。。学会接受自己。。。真的还有太多需要学习的地方。
可是我知道来了大学后我变的比较坚强比较有决心。
大学的日子快结束了。。。未来是什么样子的？ 一片蒙蒙。。。 真的不知道。有点害怕。
我希望这几年的付出和精力不会白费。。。我希望我会成功。
不想辜负别人对我的期望。
加油！
Thursday, April 9, 2009
one thing
其实啊。。。
我现在想跟你说的是。。。
很抱歉
我的无知还有否认让你惊讶了
希望你没有伤心
但希望我在你心里还是特别的
我不能说出口
但是
你在我的心里
有一定的分量
我对你
也有一定的喜欢
要不然。。。我现在不会那么失落
我给你时间吧。。。你想跟我聊 ，我就很高兴的聊
不想理我，我也没办法了
我唯一担心事。。。 若我给你时间。。你会忘记我吗？
我们的友谊和关系会渐渐的消失吗？
如果我怕的万一成真。。。那也只好怪我吧。
对不起。
我现在想跟你说的是。。。
很抱歉
我的无知还有否认让你惊讶了
希望你没有伤心
但希望我在你心里还是特别的
我不能说出口
但是
你在我的心里
有一定的分量
我对你
也有一定的喜欢
要不然。。。我现在不会那么失落
我给你时间吧。。。你想跟我聊 ，我就很高兴的聊
不想理我，我也没办法了
我唯一担心事。。。 若我给你时间。。你会忘记我吗？
我们的友谊和关系会渐渐的消失吗？
如果我怕的万一成真。。。那也只好怪我吧。
对不起。
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Somehow
Somehow...
I think it hurts me more than it does you.
It seems to matter more to me than it does to you.
I can't get you out of my mind anymore.
I can't sleep properly
I keep anticipating you reaching out to me.
I keep waiting for a sign that nothing has changed....
I know that is not true.
I wish you were interested
I am becoming too engrossed thinking about you
I shouldn't be.
... I wish I knew just what you are thinking. How you are feeling.
I miss you more than I thought I would.
I think it hurts me more than it does you.
It seems to matter more to me than it does to you.
I can't get you out of my mind anymore.
I can't sleep properly
I keep anticipating you reaching out to me.
I keep waiting for a sign that nothing has changed....
I know that is not true.
I wish you were interested
I am becoming too engrossed thinking about you
I shouldn't be.
... I wish I knew just what you are thinking. How you are feeling.
I miss you more than I thought I would.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
危险
危险。。
真的好险。。
你让我想一脚踏两船。。。
我对你不是简单朋友的感觉。。。
这我今天才真正的意识到。
跟你讲清楚，是我的责任
是对的选择。
可是你又有什么反应呢？
我看不出，听不出。。。 你根本就不闻不问
我有点失望。
我担心关系会改变。。。
是不是表示心里其实早已有数？
你若对我有所改变。。。
我会很不开心。
今天我对你的每一句特别敏感
我的心反复跳动
一察觉有什么不同
我心有一点不舒服
闷闷的。。。 难过
是我想太多吗？
你是怎么想我的？
是我自作多情吗？
是你隐瞒厉害吗？
是你演技非凡吗？
说到底。。。。 我们也只可以这样
变化也难免
变叻也没办法
毕竟这是犯法
毕竟这不负责任
我不能自私
即使是“对人”，也是“错时候”
嗯。
真的好险。。
你让我想一脚踏两船。。。
我对你不是简单朋友的感觉。。。
这我今天才真正的意识到。
跟你讲清楚，是我的责任
是对的选择。
可是你又有什么反应呢？
我看不出，听不出。。。 你根本就不闻不问
我有点失望。
我担心关系会改变。。。
是不是表示心里其实早已有数？
你若对我有所改变。。。
我会很不开心。
今天我对你的每一句特别敏感
我的心反复跳动
一察觉有什么不同
我心有一点不舒服
闷闷的。。。 难过
是我想太多吗？
你是怎么想我的？
是我自作多情吗？
是你隐瞒厉害吗？
是你演技非凡吗？
说到底。。。。 我们也只可以这样
变化也难免
变叻也没办法
毕竟这是犯法
毕竟这不负责任
我不能自私
即使是“对人”，也是“错时候”
嗯。
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