Expectations

To live in a less tiresome fashion, I think I need to drop all expectations towards friends... and realize that no one owes me anything. That I am not the Queen of the Universe.

I also need to realize that not everyone is the same, and no one is the same as me. Therefore they might think differently, and do differently. And their actions cannot be interpreted my own way.

And I should not, absolutely not, care so much. About the little details of people that don't matter, and of what people say or think about me. Because this is tying me down and bogging me down and holding me down from what I want to do. Or feel. Or achieve.

Because you know, if I am not the Queen of the Universe, who gives a flying fuck about what I am constantly doing or thinking?

I also resolve to take risks with Circle of friends. If you don't bring your good friends together... you can't have a circle of good friends.

豁达

It has come the time when... I am tired of the way I am. It is truly time for a change... to outgrow what I have been living with the past 21 years, through all the morphing, for better or for worse.

This entire summer I have been reflecting and thinking... based mostly off the reaping of my last four years, but also just me.

There are many little epiphanies I have found, many things I can work on. In some sense, this is taking a step back and looking at things with a slightly (albeit very slight) different perspective. And suddenly you are hovering over reality, taking on the bird's eye view -

you see-

you really see -

what you have been feeling deep in your heart... it wasn't a mistake. It was really what you felt. Those people weren't right for you. They are indeed a waste of your time.

I need to take risks.

I need to live with passion and enthusiasm... living life is pretty tiring and you need the energy... the energy comes from enthusiasm for improving yourself, and striving to create a good life everyday.

I need to stop being so hard up over what people think or say.

I recently learned a Chinese word: 豁达

It is one of the best words in any language that I have ever come across. Two characters, so much meaning, and exactly what I need to work towards.

豁达指心胸开阔，性格开朗，能容人容事。豁达是一种大度和宽容，豁达是一种品格和美德，豁达是一种乐观的豪爽，豁达是一种博大的胸怀、洒脱的态度，也是人生中最高的境界之一。

Luo Shan Ji

So. In LA for a getaway.

Much needed, to say the least. I finally feel like I am regaining my sanity. It has been a tough time... and the thing is, I am not even sure why. Maybe it is because I love to be irrational and think/worry about things that i shouldn't or cannot control. It's almost like a hobby.

I am tired of it... tired of myself... in many ways... I just want to be happy and live life content. Instead of chasing what cannot be mine... always seeking to please other people and be part of everyone's lives... WHY? I have been doing that... but I still feel miserable and left out. Or at least, feel like I am on the verge of being left out. It's pathetic really... how I was pining over Kimmy's attention, caring so much about Mandy... they are all the same type of people, the same people I cannot click with but I strive to be their friends. WHY CANT I JUST LET BE WHAT IS?

I am afraid of not having any good friends, real friends. I only have a few, really. Many of my "real" friends have somehow dropped out of my life into an abyss, and I never see them again. The list is long... Daphne, Geoffrey, Livia...
All these people I took to heart, wanted to be exclusive with. All these people that let me down.
Honestly, sometimes I think best friends come from a guy loving you and then becoming a friend after. Because guess what, many of my friends are.
It makes me sad that I need to find friends this way... And it's not like I intentionally attract them so that I can get best friends... I start out genuinely being friends. Why can't I get good friends? Girlfriends? Am I doing something wrong?

I think it may be because I am not easy going enough, so knit-picky until I tire my friends out. Too sensitive and.. too petty, I suppose. I am trying to change. To be easy going-er... and just not get mad at every little thing that crosses me a bit. We'll see how that goes...

Anyway, in LA. Been having a good time thus far. I want to free my mind, let some things sink in, and perhaps FIND A JOB?!... and also to get some peace. And perhaps, through all that, achieve a few wondrous epiphanies.