Possession

I love you... I really think I do. Your smile makes me happy and your anger scares me. You saying you love me and your expression of love throws me over the moon, but your neglect and absent mindedness towards me plunges me into darkness.

With you, all those cheesy love songs suddenly strike a chord, and I actually get what they mean. Really heartfelt love songs make me tear up. It is because I have become a damn yo-yo because of you. I have never felt like this before, and at the cross-road long time ago when I freaked out and could have chosen to not all to protect myself (as I typically choose), I chose not to. And how I have fallen.

We have so many ups and downs... but I can never leave. I don't know what makes you hang on, but I hope with all my might that it is because you are very in love with me.

A conversation with my brother has brought things a little into focus... Do I just want to possess you? Can't I love you from where I am? I know I am possessive, I really am. I just need you, want you, all of you. I don't want anyone to enjoy you and to have you. If you dated and gave yourself, physically or mentally, to anyone else, I really might breakdown, especially since I am so attached. But perhaps... it's making this hard.

Our relationship is unrealistic. We are both on the shaky ground, we both have to focus on ourselves and our career. We have to spend so much time and effort on each other... so much energy... but we won't be together in the near future. Is it really worth it to hold on, to desperately try to make it work? Or should we let go... and do what we have to do instead of hurting ourselves and our futures... perhaps, move on even... hoping for a brighter day?
Thinking about me screwing up your future makes me feel terrible. But I can't let go. Is it because of love, or the possessiveness?

I am starting to think that perhaps people are right... we have to face life, face reality and protect ourselves... that great love, true love, mighty love, may not be always and forever. It might not be what we can end up with... it might be the first heartbreak. Love is not enough for us to life off of and we just have to be realistic. Maybe we should let go, and if we come back together... then that's meant to be.

I fear though, that you would have changed, to be a man I don't recognize and love anymore. And that you might not love me anymore. That by then, you would have had other women. I know this is possessiveness speaking very loudly here. It's not the only reason why I don't want to let go, but it is a reason. I want you to love me... not others.. I don't want you to enjoy intimacy with other women, I want to be the one to provide that.

Can we make this work... or should I start thinking this and drilling it into my head.. so we reach the end of our relationship?

My Dearest, what do we do now?

Hmmm. Been thinking....

Maybe the cause of so many failed relationships is not only because the youth of today are just fickle-minded...
long distance relationships are terribly hard, and with today's increasing globalization... people just can't stay together always anymore.
Maybe the reason why people break up is because they are realistic; it isn't because they can't keep their hands to themselves, it is because they don't cling onto that dream of rainbows and butterflies.

so therefore...

the reason for so many failed long distance relationships is because of globalization. And how realistic people are.

By the by...

I have missed you.



just out of curiosity.... would it be really bad if I kissed another guy? Just so I can withdraw myself from this failing relationship?

Hello Once More

Hello Blog,

Hello once again. I am back. You are the place I turn to... and it is interesting because it puts all my emotions on a time line... and looking back, I see how things have changed. The question is, How, and Why?

Let's bring you up to date. Let's bring you into a snapshot of my current life.

After 4.5 years, I have moved back to Shanghai.
After 22 years, I have gotten my first real job.
After 22 years, 4 (official) relationships, I am on my 5th.
This 5th relationship has broken more pieces of my heart and put me through more emotions and grief than any other relationship before.
This 5th relationship means the most to me... and after 22 years, I can conclude I have really fallen in love. HARD. for a person who is now "sick and tired" of me, and who can't "deal" with my anymore.
I currently hate my life.

That is my situation. Oh, did I mention, i hate my job? It is demanding and I try and try to look on the bright side, but overall, to no avail. I sometimes think there is parts of it I like, but overall, I hate my job. It is beyond demanding, esp for a first job, they work you to the ground with no appropriate compensation. I don't know how Chinese people worse off handle life.

Oh, my relationship drama severely affects my feelings, mood, mentality, my HEALTH, my physical being. Which in turn affects my job, so I can barely think at work, let alone do my job. But I paint on this facade that I am cheery and happy even when I am sad, because let's face it, no one at work gives a flying fuck about your personal life and how crumbly it is. It is... one of the most draining social activities I have ever come across in my life.

I am deeply dissatisfied with how I am thinking, how I am acting in this relationship, yet I can't breakthrough. I don't know how to open up and accept. I don't know how. It's really hard for me.

What I truly need, What I truly want, is a break. I want to leave this job... take a break to figure myself out, my next step, and fall back into it. I came back to Shanghai and was thrown into the job a few days later. BIG MISTAKE. Never do that again, we all need some time to readjust back. Ever since I have been back I haven't had time to readjust back. It adds to the mental stress.

I really want to spend time with him and figure things out; I want to be back in the US where I could see him and touch him and be with him. It was so much easier. Long distance relationships are terribly hard, esp when you have trust problems and when you are controlling and paranoid. It is a LETHAL combination. Exactly what I have here, hence the failing relationship. I just want some time with him.. to decide if this is really what we can fight for, or if....有缘无分.

A question I have come up recently is.... Why am I so in love with this man? Why? What is so good about him? I really need to think about this.
I think a big reason can be cropped to the fact that he is "innocent" but recently I have been struck that.. it might not be true. And it is driving me insane, just INSANE.

After I quit, I really want to take a holiday... to just recollect. My dad wants me to move to Singapore... I don't know why, but it doesn't seem like a terrible idea besides their accents and the heat.

Dear Blog, I am lost. Very lost. I have no idea what I want to do and how to get there, and if I can handle the workload at all, if I should stay with this man or if all men I will find from now on will be perverts who think with their dicks, if I should stay at this job and stick it out, if I will end up liking it eventually, if I should stay in Shanghai or move to Singapore, if... what if....

At 22 years, I can conclude I have never felt more puzzled about my life. And I miss college. Back then I just worried about exams and grades and friendship, if Kimmy wanted to be my friend or fucking not. Which doesn't even matter because I don't want her as a friend anyway.

I'm going crazy... I really need a break. I really need to recollect and step back and just.... relax a bit.

Please, please, please. Save me somehow.

March. 3 Months since.

我的心里好难受。。。

to love someone and not feel it being reciprocated, it really sucks. Especially when you thought that person did and it was amazing...

To have, then for the person to assure you and blind you into believing its real... then to be wrenched out of it because of the blatant obviousness of the person's actions...

it really really hurts.

You have to realize what you had wasn't real. And that now, that person no longer gives a shit. And now, your love is not reciprocated. And you need to climb out and move on.

It hurts... and I feel so frustrated, angry, disappointed and just plain SAD.

I feel so sad.