I have missed you.
just out of curiosity.... would it be really bad if I kissed another guy? Just so I can withdraw myself from this failing relationship?
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Hello Once More
Hello Blog,
Hello once again. I am back. You are the place I turn to... and it is interesting because it puts all my emotions on a time line... and looking back, I see how things have changed. The question is, How, and Why?
Let's bring you up to date. Let's bring you into a snapshot of my current life.
After 4.5 years, I have moved back to Shanghai.
After 22 years, I have gotten my first real job.
After 22 years, 4 (official) relationships, I am on my 5th.
This 5th relationship has broken more pieces of my heart and put me through more emotions and grief than any other relationship before.
This 5th relationship means the most to me... and after 22 years, I can conclude I have really fallen in love. HARD. for a person who is now "sick and tired" of me, and who can't "deal" with my anymore.
I currently hate my life.
That is my situation. Oh, did I mention, i hate my job? It is demanding and I try and try to look on the bright side, but overall, to no avail. I sometimes think there is parts of it I like, but overall, I hate my job. It is beyond demanding, esp for a first job, they work you to the ground with no appropriate compensation. I don't know how Chinese people worse off handle life.
Oh, my relationship drama severely affects my feelings, mood, mentality, my HEALTH, my physical being. Which in turn affects my job, so I can barely think at work, let alone do my job. But I paint on this facade that I am cheery and happy even when I am sad, because let's face it, no one at work gives a flying fuck about your personal life and how crumbly it is. It is... one of the most draining social activities I have ever come across in my life.
I am deeply dissatisfied with how I am thinking, how I am acting in this relationship, yet I can't breakthrough. I don't know how to open up and accept. I don't know how. It's really hard for me.
What I truly need, What I truly want, is a break. I want to leave this job... take a break to figure myself out, my next step, and fall back into it. I came back to Shanghai and was thrown into the job a few days later. BIG MISTAKE. Never do that again, we all need some time to readjust back. Ever since I have been back I haven't had time to readjust back. It adds to the mental stress.
I really want to spend time with him and figure things out; I want to be back in the US where I could see him and touch him and be with him. It was so much easier. Long distance relationships are terribly hard, esp when you have trust problems and when you are controlling and paranoid. It is a LETHAL combination. Exactly what I have here, hence the failing relationship. I just want some time with him.. to decide if this is really what we can fight for, or if....æįžæ å.
A question I have come up recently is.... Why am I so in love with this man? Why? What is so good about him? I really need to think about this.
I think a big reason can be cropped to the fact that he is "innocent" but recently I have been struck that.. it might not be true. And it is driving me insane, just INSANE.
After I quit, I really want to take a holiday... to just recollect. My dad wants me to move to Singapore... I don't know why, but it doesn't seem like a terrible idea besides their accents and the heat.
Dear Blog, I am lost. Very lost. I have no idea what I want to do and how to get there, and if I can handle the workload at all, if I should stay with this man or if all men I will find from now on will be perverts who think with their dicks, if I should stay at this job and stick it out, if I will end up liking it eventually, if I should stay in Shanghai or move to Singapore, if... what if....
At 22 years, I can conclude I have never felt more puzzled about my life. And I miss college. Back then I just worried about exams and grades and friendship, if Kimmy wanted to be my friend or fucking not. Which doesn't even matter because I don't want her as a friend anyway.
I'm going crazy... I really need a break. I really need to recollect and step back and just.... relax a bit.
Please, please, please. Save me somehow.
Hello once again. I am back. You are the place I turn to... and it is interesting because it puts all my emotions on a time line... and looking back, I see how things have changed. The question is, How, and Why?
Let's bring you up to date. Let's bring you into a snapshot of my current life.
After 4.5 years, I have moved back to Shanghai.
After 22 years, I have gotten my first real job.
After 22 years, 4 (official) relationships, I am on my 5th.
This 5th relationship has broken more pieces of my heart and put me through more emotions and grief than any other relationship before.
This 5th relationship means the most to me... and after 22 years, I can conclude I have really fallen in love. HARD. for a person who is now "sick and tired" of me, and who can't "deal" with my anymore.
I currently hate my life.
That is my situation. Oh, did I mention, i hate my job? It is demanding and I try and try to look on the bright side, but overall, to no avail. I sometimes think there is parts of it I like, but overall, I hate my job. It is beyond demanding, esp for a first job, they work you to the ground with no appropriate compensation. I don't know how Chinese people worse off handle life.
Oh, my relationship drama severely affects my feelings, mood, mentality, my HEALTH, my physical being. Which in turn affects my job, so I can barely think at work, let alone do my job. But I paint on this facade that I am cheery and happy even when I am sad, because let's face it, no one at work gives a flying fuck about your personal life and how crumbly it is. It is... one of the most draining social activities I have ever come across in my life.
I am deeply dissatisfied with how I am thinking, how I am acting in this relationship, yet I can't breakthrough. I don't know how to open up and accept. I don't know how. It's really hard for me.
What I truly need, What I truly want, is a break. I want to leave this job... take a break to figure myself out, my next step, and fall back into it. I came back to Shanghai and was thrown into the job a few days later. BIG MISTAKE. Never do that again, we all need some time to readjust back. Ever since I have been back I haven't had time to readjust back. It adds to the mental stress.
I really want to spend time with him and figure things out; I want to be back in the US where I could see him and touch him and be with him. It was so much easier. Long distance relationships are terribly hard, esp when you have trust problems and when you are controlling and paranoid. It is a LETHAL combination. Exactly what I have here, hence the failing relationship. I just want some time with him.. to decide if this is really what we can fight for, or if....æįžæ å.
A question I have come up recently is.... Why am I so in love with this man? Why? What is so good about him? I really need to think about this.
I think a big reason can be cropped to the fact that he is "innocent" but recently I have been struck that.. it might not be true. And it is driving me insane, just INSANE.
After I quit, I really want to take a holiday... to just recollect. My dad wants me to move to Singapore... I don't know why, but it doesn't seem like a terrible idea besides their accents and the heat.
Dear Blog, I am lost. Very lost. I have no idea what I want to do and how to get there, and if I can handle the workload at all, if I should stay with this man or if all men I will find from now on will be perverts who think with their dicks, if I should stay at this job and stick it out, if I will end up liking it eventually, if I should stay in Shanghai or move to Singapore, if... what if....
At 22 years, I can conclude I have never felt more puzzled about my life. And I miss college. Back then I just worried about exams and grades and friendship, if Kimmy wanted to be my friend or fucking not. Which doesn't even matter because I don't want her as a friend anyway.
I'm going crazy... I really need a break. I really need to recollect and step back and just.... relax a bit.
Please, please, please. Save me somehow.
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