first kiss... it's been awhile.
like 8 years.
still unforgettable though.. I think that is what counts.
Quiz in 45 min...
lust can make you think it is love, if the connection is right.
but is it love if there lacks lust?
my back hurts like a bitch. i am coughing like a sick dog.
and I have to go to party and ski tomorrow.
smoooches.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
新年啊新年，快乐吧！
Happy Chinese New Year.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Hmm... I am feeling very strange. Not in the best way... Feels a bit like fear and insecurity. Fear of commitment or getting too close, or possibly having made a mistake. Insecurity, feeling unsettled because of ignorance as to what the issue really is, and unsettled because something feels out of control and I feel the need to set time aside to worry and bite my nails.
I am not sure what it is.
But I think as I am starting to understand myself, that I am very afraid of getting too close to someone (as a guy)... As a friend, I am very afraid of exposing too much of myself too soon. Somehow over the years I have managed to condition myself to reveal as little as possible about my life.
Anyway, Chinese New Year. It is almost like another opportunity for a clean slate, just because I am Chinese. Which I like and appreciate. But ... how clean of a slate can I get?
I'm feeling quite bogged down by thoughts that aren't quite surfacing right now!!
point is. Year of the Tiger... Welcome! I hope this year will be a great one. Afterall, 2010... it looks awesome as a number.
I really need to list some of my goals and aspirations... even though I haven't really figured them out yet. haha.
...Why do I keep wondering what other people are doing, and if they are alone or not? I have issues.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Hmm... I am feeling very strange. Not in the best way... Feels a bit like fear and insecurity. Fear of commitment or getting too close, or possibly having made a mistake. Insecurity, feeling unsettled because of ignorance as to what the issue really is, and unsettled because something feels out of control and I feel the need to set time aside to worry and bite my nails.
I am not sure what it is.
But I think as I am starting to understand myself, that I am very afraid of getting too close to someone (as a guy)... As a friend, I am very afraid of exposing too much of myself too soon. Somehow over the years I have managed to condition myself to reveal as little as possible about my life.
Anyway, Chinese New Year. It is almost like another opportunity for a clean slate, just because I am Chinese. Which I like and appreciate. But ... how clean of a slate can I get?
I'm feeling quite bogged down by thoughts that aren't quite surfacing right now!!
point is. Year of the Tiger... Welcome! I hope this year will be a great one. Afterall, 2010... it looks awesome as a number.
I really need to list some of my goals and aspirations... even though I haven't really figured them out yet. haha.
...Why do I keep wondering what other people are doing, and if they are alone or not? I have issues.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Valen-fucking-tines
Well, technically it's tomorrow. So this is premature.
Always thought that SOMETHING happened on valentines day... perhaps this will be my most uneventful one in awhile... but then its 新年 and let's face it... I have enough baggage. Did I mention I have another baggage now?
If only I could translate my emotional baggage into designer handbags, i'd be set for life, handbags wise.
I am single for valentine's day this year; first time in... 2?3? years. Yet I am not free to roam and sow wild oats. Nope, I am tied down by baggage. Confusing ones... I sometimes really don't have a fucking clue what my heart is thinking (haha ironic)... or just what, more specifically, WHO, I want. I wish I knew.
Relationship post-mortem, I don't think I loved. I don't know if I know how to. I don't think I know how to love at all. I take them for granted, I am impatient, and I just catch myself before I fall. And I tell myself, hey man it's cool don't take this too seriously. So I have that leeway incase something goes down. Now, it's 8 years since I started telling myself that and... well. I haven't been able to fully fall into anything and just stay there. I feel quite heartless because people have and yet I can walk away unscathed. Is this what bitches and old spinsters (UNWANTED spinsters) are made of? I am attracted to people all the time, I think I crush easily... so I get distracted. I can't seem to just fixate myself on someone and fall, uninhibited, into someone. Is it because I am scared of getting hurt?
You don't really know what it means to truly love someone.. until you put their needs above your own.
I sure as frucking hell don't.
I don't know where my warped thinking comes from. I want to be in love too, but I think I am scared of dedicating my heart to someone. A friend told me that I should let go of the past; haven't I? He says I haven't if I can't seem to take things in with an open heart again. Are my scar tissues so deep and tough that I can't move beyond them?
I want to love someone too. Maybe I am just too insecure. Maybe I haven't found the right person. Maybe it's not the right time. Or maybe... I have closed off myself. Should I open up? I guess at this point I don't even know who to give my heart to. Will I always be like this?
I think I am growing up somehow.. even if I don't realize... I am starting to think differently and streamline what is important to me. But emotionally am I stunted by this inability and reluctance to let anyone in? I am not sure if I even know how to.
I've hurt many in the past; I am not proud. I feel bad. But it makes me even more scared that karma will bite me in the ass when I do let someone in.
Maybe this Valentines day, Me Myself and I will figure out my heart. Maybe my party of one, my solo date will reconcile and be content being alone, figure out what to do alone instead of thinking about all those surrounding non-designer bag baggages.
Or perhaps a miracle will happen and I will be able to rid all scars and start again with an open heart. Or perhaps I will realize what love is to me. And that there is someone special I am in love with.
3 different people, 3 different feelings. Utter confusion.
Dear Heart,
Happy Valentines Day. What do you want?
Love,
Me.
Oh, Happy Valentines Day, everyone.
Always thought that SOMETHING happened on valentines day... perhaps this will be my most uneventful one in awhile... but then its 新年 and let's face it... I have enough baggage. Did I mention I have another baggage now?
If only I could translate my emotional baggage into designer handbags, i'd be set for life, handbags wise.
I am single for valentine's day this year; first time in... 2?3? years. Yet I am not free to roam and sow wild oats. Nope, I am tied down by baggage. Confusing ones... I sometimes really don't have a fucking clue what my heart is thinking (haha ironic)... or just what, more specifically, WHO, I want. I wish I knew.
Relationship post-mortem, I don't think I loved. I don't know if I know how to. I don't think I know how to love at all. I take them for granted, I am impatient, and I just catch myself before I fall. And I tell myself, hey man it's cool don't take this too seriously. So I have that leeway incase something goes down. Now, it's 8 years since I started telling myself that and... well. I haven't been able to fully fall into anything and just stay there. I feel quite heartless because people have and yet I can walk away unscathed. Is this what bitches and old spinsters (UNWANTED spinsters) are made of? I am attracted to people all the time, I think I crush easily... so I get distracted. I can't seem to just fixate myself on someone and fall, uninhibited, into someone. Is it because I am scared of getting hurt?
You don't really know what it means to truly love someone.. until you put their needs above your own.
I sure as frucking hell don't.
I don't know where my warped thinking comes from. I want to be in love too, but I think I am scared of dedicating my heart to someone. A friend told me that I should let go of the past; haven't I? He says I haven't if I can't seem to take things in with an open heart again. Are my scar tissues so deep and tough that I can't move beyond them?
I want to love someone too. Maybe I am just too insecure. Maybe I haven't found the right person. Maybe it's not the right time. Or maybe... I have closed off myself. Should I open up? I guess at this point I don't even know who to give my heart to. Will I always be like this?
I think I am growing up somehow.. even if I don't realize... I am starting to think differently and streamline what is important to me. But emotionally am I stunted by this inability and reluctance to let anyone in? I am not sure if I even know how to.
I've hurt many in the past; I am not proud. I feel bad. But it makes me even more scared that karma will bite me in the ass when I do let someone in.
Maybe this Valentines day, Me Myself and I will figure out my heart. Maybe my party of one, my solo date will reconcile and be content being alone, figure out what to do alone instead of thinking about all those surrounding non-designer bag baggages.
Or perhaps a miracle will happen and I will be able to rid all scars and start again with an open heart. Or perhaps I will realize what love is to me. And that there is someone special I am in love with.
3 different people, 3 different feelings. Utter confusion.
Dear Heart,
Happy Valentines Day. What do you want?
Love,
Me.
Oh, Happy Valentines Day, everyone.
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