Luo Shan Ji

So. In LA for a getaway.

Much needed, to say the least. I finally feel like I am regaining my sanity. It has been a tough time... and the thing is, I am not even sure why. Maybe it is because I love to be irrational and think/worry about things that i shouldn't or cannot control. It's almost like a hobby.

I am tired of it... tired of myself... in many ways... I just want to be happy and live life content. Instead of chasing what cannot be mine... always seeking to please other people and be part of everyone's lives... WHY? I have been doing that... but I still feel miserable and left out. Or at least, feel like I am on the verge of being left out. It's pathetic really... how I was pining over Kimmy's attention, caring so much about Mandy... they are all the same type of people, the same people I cannot click with but I strive to be their friends. WHY CANT I JUST LET BE WHAT IS?

I am afraid of not having any good friends, real friends. I only have a few, really. Many of my "real" friends have somehow dropped out of my life into an abyss, and I never see them again. The list is long... Daphne, Geoffrey, Livia...
All these people I took to heart, wanted to be exclusive with. All these people that let me down.
Honestly, sometimes I think best friends come from a guy loving you and then becoming a friend after. Because guess what, many of my friends are.
It makes me sad that I need to find friends this way... And it's not like I intentionally attract them so that I can get best friends... I start out genuinely being friends. Why can't I get good friends? Girlfriends? Am I doing something wrong?

I think it may be because I am not easy going enough, so knit-picky until I tire my friends out. Too sensitive and.. too petty, I suppose. I am trying to change. To be easy going-er... and just not get mad at every little thing that crosses me a bit. We'll see how that goes...

Anyway, in LA. Been having a good time thus far. I want to free my mind, let some things sink in, and perhaps FIND A JOB?!... and also to get some peace. And perhaps, through all that, achieve a few wondrous epiphanies.