I love you... I really think I do. Your smile makes me happy and your anger scares me. You saying you love me and your expression of love throws me over the moon, but your neglect and absent mindedness towards me plunges me into darkness.
With you, all those cheesy love songs suddenly strike a chord, and I actually get what they mean. Really heartfelt love songs make me tear up. It is because I have become a damn yo-yo because of you. I have never felt like this before, and at the cross-road long time ago when I freaked out and could have chosen to not all to protect myself (as I typically choose), I chose not to. And how I have fallen.
We have so many ups and downs... but I can never leave. I don't know what makes you hang on, but I hope with all my might that it is because you are very in love with me.
A conversation with my brother has brought things a little into focus... Do I just want to possess you? Can't I love you from where I am? I know I am possessive, I really am. I just need you, want you, all of you. I don't want anyone to enjoy you and to have you. If you dated and gave yourself, physically or mentally, to anyone else, I really might breakdown, especially since I am so attached. But perhaps... it's making this hard.
Our relationship is unrealistic. We are both on the shaky ground, we both have to focus on ourselves and our career. We have to spend so much time and effort on each other... so much energy... but we won't be together in the near future. Is it really worth it to hold on, to desperately try to make it work? Or should we let go... and do what we have to do instead of hurting ourselves and our futures... perhaps, move on even... hoping for a brighter day?
Thinking about me screwing up your future makes me feel terrible. But I can't let go. Is it because of love, or the possessiveness?
I am starting to think that perhaps people are right... we have to face life, face reality and protect ourselves... that great love, true love, mighty love, may not be always and forever. It might not be what we can end up with... it might be the first heartbreak. Love is not enough for us to life off of and we just have to be realistic. Maybe we should let go, and if we come back together... then that's meant to be.
I fear though, that you would have changed, to be a man I don't recognize and love anymore. And that you might not love me anymore. That by then, you would have had other women. I know this is possessiveness speaking very loudly here. It's not the only reason why I don't want to let go, but it is a reason. I want you to love me... not others.. I don't want you to enjoy intimacy with other women, I want to be the one to provide that.
Can we make this work... or should I start thinking this and drilling it into my head.. so we reach the end of our relationship?
My Dearest, what do we do now?
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