first kiss... it's been awhile.
like 8 years.
still unforgettable though.. I think that is what counts.
Quiz in 45 min...
lust can make you think it is love, if the connection is right.
but is it love if there lacks lust?
my back hurts like a bitch. i am coughing like a sick dog.
and I have to go to party and ski tomorrow.
smoooches.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
新年啊新年，快乐吧！
Happy Chinese New Year.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Hmm... I am feeling very strange. Not in the best way... Feels a bit like fear and insecurity. Fear of commitment or getting too close, or possibly having made a mistake. Insecurity, feeling unsettled because of ignorance as to what the issue really is, and unsettled because something feels out of control and I feel the need to set time aside to worry and bite my nails.
I am not sure what it is.
But I think as I am starting to understand myself, that I am very afraid of getting too close to someone (as a guy)... As a friend, I am very afraid of exposing too much of myself too soon. Somehow over the years I have managed to condition myself to reveal as little as possible about my life.
Anyway, Chinese New Year. It is almost like another opportunity for a clean slate, just because I am Chinese. Which I like and appreciate. But ... how clean of a slate can I get?
I'm feeling quite bogged down by thoughts that aren't quite surfacing right now!!
point is. Year of the Tiger... Welcome! I hope this year will be a great one. Afterall, 2010... it looks awesome as a number.
I really need to list some of my goals and aspirations... even though I haven't really figured them out yet. haha.
...Why do I keep wondering what other people are doing, and if they are alone or not? I have issues.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Hmm... I am feeling very strange. Not in the best way... Feels a bit like fear and insecurity. Fear of commitment or getting too close, or possibly having made a mistake. Insecurity, feeling unsettled because of ignorance as to what the issue really is, and unsettled because something feels out of control and I feel the need to set time aside to worry and bite my nails.
I am not sure what it is.
But I think as I am starting to understand myself, that I am very afraid of getting too close to someone (as a guy)... As a friend, I am very afraid of exposing too much of myself too soon. Somehow over the years I have managed to condition myself to reveal as little as possible about my life.
Anyway, Chinese New Year. It is almost like another opportunity for a clean slate, just because I am Chinese. Which I like and appreciate. But ... how clean of a slate can I get?
I'm feeling quite bogged down by thoughts that aren't quite surfacing right now!!
point is. Year of the Tiger... Welcome! I hope this year will be a great one. Afterall, 2010... it looks awesome as a number.
I really need to list some of my goals and aspirations... even though I haven't really figured them out yet. haha.
...Why do I keep wondering what other people are doing, and if they are alone or not? I have issues.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Valen-fucking-tines
Well, technically it's tomorrow. So this is premature.
Always thought that SOMETHING happened on valentines day... perhaps this will be my most uneventful one in awhile... but then its 新年 and let's face it... I have enough baggage. Did I mention I have another baggage now?
If only I could translate my emotional baggage into designer handbags, i'd be set for life, handbags wise.
I am single for valentine's day this year; first time in... 2?3? years. Yet I am not free to roam and sow wild oats. Nope, I am tied down by baggage. Confusing ones... I sometimes really don't have a fucking clue what my heart is thinking (haha ironic)... or just what, more specifically, WHO, I want. I wish I knew.
Relationship post-mortem, I don't think I loved. I don't know if I know how to. I don't think I know how to love at all. I take them for granted, I am impatient, and I just catch myself before I fall. And I tell myself, hey man it's cool don't take this too seriously. So I have that leeway incase something goes down. Now, it's 8 years since I started telling myself that and... well. I haven't been able to fully fall into anything and just stay there. I feel quite heartless because people have and yet I can walk away unscathed. Is this what bitches and old spinsters (UNWANTED spinsters) are made of? I am attracted to people all the time, I think I crush easily... so I get distracted. I can't seem to just fixate myself on someone and fall, uninhibited, into someone. Is it because I am scared of getting hurt?
You don't really know what it means to truly love someone.. until you put their needs above your own.
I sure as frucking hell don't.
I don't know where my warped thinking comes from. I want to be in love too, but I think I am scared of dedicating my heart to someone. A friend told me that I should let go of the past; haven't I? He says I haven't if I can't seem to take things in with an open heart again. Are my scar tissues so deep and tough that I can't move beyond them?
I want to love someone too. Maybe I am just too insecure. Maybe I haven't found the right person. Maybe it's not the right time. Or maybe... I have closed off myself. Should I open up? I guess at this point I don't even know who to give my heart to. Will I always be like this?
I think I am growing up somehow.. even if I don't realize... I am starting to think differently and streamline what is important to me. But emotionally am I stunted by this inability and reluctance to let anyone in? I am not sure if I even know how to.
I've hurt many in the past; I am not proud. I feel bad. But it makes me even more scared that karma will bite me in the ass when I do let someone in.
Maybe this Valentines day, Me Myself and I will figure out my heart. Maybe my party of one, my solo date will reconcile and be content being alone, figure out what to do alone instead of thinking about all those surrounding non-designer bag baggages.
Or perhaps a miracle will happen and I will be able to rid all scars and start again with an open heart. Or perhaps I will realize what love is to me. And that there is someone special I am in love with.
3 different people, 3 different feelings. Utter confusion.
Dear Heart,
Happy Valentines Day. What do you want?
Love,
Me.
Oh, Happy Valentines Day, everyone.
Always thought that SOMETHING happened on valentines day... perhaps this will be my most uneventful one in awhile... but then its 新年 and let's face it... I have enough baggage. Did I mention I have another baggage now?
If only I could translate my emotional baggage into designer handbags, i'd be set for life, handbags wise.
I am single for valentine's day this year; first time in... 2?3? years. Yet I am not free to roam and sow wild oats. Nope, I am tied down by baggage. Confusing ones... I sometimes really don't have a fucking clue what my heart is thinking (haha ironic)... or just what, more specifically, WHO, I want. I wish I knew.
Relationship post-mortem, I don't think I loved. I don't know if I know how to. I don't think I know how to love at all. I take them for granted, I am impatient, and I just catch myself before I fall. And I tell myself, hey man it's cool don't take this too seriously. So I have that leeway incase something goes down. Now, it's 8 years since I started telling myself that and... well. I haven't been able to fully fall into anything and just stay there. I feel quite heartless because people have and yet I can walk away unscathed. Is this what bitches and old spinsters (UNWANTED spinsters) are made of? I am attracted to people all the time, I think I crush easily... so I get distracted. I can't seem to just fixate myself on someone and fall, uninhibited, into someone. Is it because I am scared of getting hurt?
You don't really know what it means to truly love someone.. until you put their needs above your own.
I sure as frucking hell don't.
I don't know where my warped thinking comes from. I want to be in love too, but I think I am scared of dedicating my heart to someone. A friend told me that I should let go of the past; haven't I? He says I haven't if I can't seem to take things in with an open heart again. Are my scar tissues so deep and tough that I can't move beyond them?
I want to love someone too. Maybe I am just too insecure. Maybe I haven't found the right person. Maybe it's not the right time. Or maybe... I have closed off myself. Should I open up? I guess at this point I don't even know who to give my heart to. Will I always be like this?
I think I am growing up somehow.. even if I don't realize... I am starting to think differently and streamline what is important to me. But emotionally am I stunted by this inability and reluctance to let anyone in? I am not sure if I even know how to.
I've hurt many in the past; I am not proud. I feel bad. But it makes me even more scared that karma will bite me in the ass when I do let someone in.
Maybe this Valentines day, Me Myself and I will figure out my heart. Maybe my party of one, my solo date will reconcile and be content being alone, figure out what to do alone instead of thinking about all those surrounding non-designer bag baggages.
Or perhaps a miracle will happen and I will be able to rid all scars and start again with an open heart. Or perhaps I will realize what love is to me. And that there is someone special I am in love with.
3 different people, 3 different feelings. Utter confusion.
Dear Heart,
Happy Valentines Day. What do you want?
Love,
Me.
Oh, Happy Valentines Day, everyone.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Life lesson when things are complex and insecure:
I have learned that when one feels unsettled with people and upset/insecure...
one should-
CHILL THE FUCK OUT.
Suddenly the world will seem like an easier place to live in.
one should-
CHILL THE FUCK OUT.
Suddenly the world will seem like an easier place to live in.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Musings
- Why do we like some things, yet not others?
- Why are we drawn to some people, yet not to some others?
- Why do we click so well with some people, and not at all, no matter how hard we try, with others?
It's hard to be possessive.
It's hard to expect and not be disappointed.
What I want to do...
I want to lie down and let life live.
People come and go... who will stay? People say they are your good friends, but who really is? What defines friendship? What are the rules of friendship? Do you NEED a type of friend? (e.g. someone who can shower you with gifts when it's your birthday...) it sounds superficial, but somehow I find that that shows some sort of love, when someone cares about you enough to give you something great.
I don't know... and I keep feeling like there is something wrong with me and my outlook on life and the world.
It's tiring and it makes me unhappy.
I am drained by all these things all the time. I am insecure about people all the time.
I want to change... I want something to be different...
gonna shower.
- Why are we drawn to some people, yet not to some others?
- Why do we click so well with some people, and not at all, no matter how hard we try, with others?
It's hard to be possessive.
It's hard to expect and not be disappointed.
What I want to do...
I want to lie down and let life live.
People come and go... who will stay? People say they are your good friends, but who really is? What defines friendship? What are the rules of friendship? Do you NEED a type of friend? (e.g. someone who can shower you with gifts when it's your birthday...) it sounds superficial, but somehow I find that that shows some sort of love, when someone cares about you enough to give you something great.
I don't know... and I keep feeling like there is something wrong with me and my outlook on life and the world.
It's tiring and it makes me unhappy.
I am drained by all these things all the time. I am insecure about people all the time.
I want to change... I want something to be different...
gonna shower.
Monday, November 30, 2009
The Empire State: New York, New York
So,
Thanksgiving was a lot better this year. Definitely one of the best. Then again I've only had four... and the first two were disastrous. This NY trip definitely redeemed the first NY trip... I think company matters. Always. I mean... the first disastrous trip to NYC 2 years ago made me think NYC was just.. not so great. But now, I think I like New York more than Chicago. Something about the lights... they do inspire. They make you feel alive.
I had fun. I walked till my legs were sore. I think it was fitting with Thanksgiving overall; I was thankful this Thanksgiving for my legs. Just having limbs.. being able to travel... having the money to do so... it's really a blessing. So... here is my silent appreciation. No one will find it, but at least I know. I am terrible at expressing myself in front of people. It's just too vulnerable and cheesy, even.
I am thankful for good friends. I spent my break with people I can count on. It's a blessing. Truly.
Exhausted now, and looking forward to December.
Face forward, and chin up, I shall continue to surf on this giant wave called life. Will probably fall off my board once in a while like I have done so in the past, but hey, the ride on the big wave is worth the trouble right? At least that is the way it goes.
27 more days till I hit 21. I need to think of more dreams and aspirations.... 21 is big to me; it signifies the official start of aging. The realistic passage of time... and so before I hit that, I need to think of things and places and all my dreams and pursuits... all my goals. For me. For life. For people. And strive to achieve =)
What is life without aspiration?
To do list coming up...
I need to let the sour past go. All the worries and tires, let live, let go.
Anyhow. I just wanted to say, Happy Belated Thanksgiving. Look inside and you will find that in some way or another, you are blessed. Somehow.
<3
Thanksgiving was a lot better this year. Definitely one of the best. Then again I've only had four... and the first two were disastrous. This NY trip definitely redeemed the first NY trip... I think company matters. Always. I mean... the first disastrous trip to NYC 2 years ago made me think NYC was just.. not so great. But now, I think I like New York more than Chicago. Something about the lights... they do inspire. They make you feel alive.
I had fun. I walked till my legs were sore. I think it was fitting with Thanksgiving overall; I was thankful this Thanksgiving for my legs. Just having limbs.. being able to travel... having the money to do so... it's really a blessing. So... here is my silent appreciation. No one will find it, but at least I know. I am terrible at expressing myself in front of people. It's just too vulnerable and cheesy, even.
I am thankful for good friends. I spent my break with people I can count on. It's a blessing. Truly.
Exhausted now, and looking forward to December.
Face forward, and chin up, I shall continue to surf on this giant wave called life. Will probably fall off my board once in a while like I have done so in the past, but hey, the ride on the big wave is worth the trouble right? At least that is the way it goes.
27 more days till I hit 21. I need to think of more dreams and aspirations.... 21 is big to me; it signifies the official start of aging. The realistic passage of time... and so before I hit that, I need to think of things and places and all my dreams and pursuits... all my goals. For me. For life. For people. And strive to achieve =)
What is life without aspiration?
To do list coming up...
I need to let the sour past go. All the worries and tires, let live, let go.
Anyhow. I just wanted to say, Happy Belated Thanksgiving. Look inside and you will find that in some way or another, you are blessed. Somehow.
<3
Monday, November 16, 2009
Beauty Be Damned
Leonid Meteor shower, 2am - 5am
I am excited, but I am anxious.
What do you do in the face of beauty?
I feel like it is hard to look at a fleeting moment's beauty.
I can't capture it.
I can't fully remember it.
Cameras don't do the beauty justice. At all.
What do you do in the face of remarkableness?
How can we capture it in a way which is worthy?
How can we do it justice?
How can we keep the moment so that its short moment was worth it?
How can we remember it?
I can't.
I don't.
Sometimes I rather not see it; it makes it that much easier to live with not having the trouble and stress of capturing and remembering the magnificence of it all.
Yet I can't live without the beauty.
Damned if you do, Damned if you don't.
I am excited, but I am anxious.
What do you do in the face of beauty?
I feel like it is hard to look at a fleeting moment's beauty.
I can't capture it.
I can't fully remember it.
Cameras don't do the beauty justice. At all.
What do you do in the face of remarkableness?
How can we capture it in a way which is worthy?
How can we do it justice?
How can we keep the moment so that its short moment was worth it?
How can we remember it?
I can't.
I don't.
Sometimes I rather not see it; it makes it that much easier to live with not having the trouble and stress of capturing and remembering the magnificence of it all.
Yet I can't live without the beauty.
Damned if you do, Damned if you don't.
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