Inspiration*

* I just wanted to take a bit of time out of my day... and blog this as a reminder to myself.

*:: You are always so caught up with the tiny things, like oh man, this girl might not be as close as you think. You keep thinking about this, wasting days on end just fussing and worrying due to your insecurities. The truth is, if they don't care about you at this point, you can't force it no more. It's done, it's set. Just be friends, take what comes. As been mentioned in the past, CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

Yesterday I was looking up on facebook this guy I use to like in elementary school. He was someone I really liked and let go of because of my stupidity and mind games. I was like 12 though. That kid was never really good at school, I was always the top student. He was quiet, I was loud and obnoxious. I was quite a popular kid in elementary school.

We went our separate ways... and I never heard from him again.

Well, we are facebook friends, and I am pretty sure since he is living the good life, he won't be crushing on me and thinking of me. In fact, we don't talk. I'd like to, because its been so long, and I want to know how he is doing. But... it won't happen, the gap between us is too great now.

I look him up, and I see him pursuing his dreams and putting himself out there. He has an album out, he plays music, he joined one of the idol shows... he is endorsing a clothing brand. I mean... it was just a slap to my face, as well as an inspiration. A wake up call, if you must.
People are out there, pursuing their dreams and living their lives, doing what they should.
I dream of living a good life, but I am sitting here, fussing over people who aren't worth it. Or who may not be part of my life in the future. WHY??

*I need to see the big picture*.

Seeing his pictures and just what he is doing, it inspired me to get off my ass and pursue what I want. Want a job in marketing? Stop going out and sit down and apply. Do what you have to. I keep thinking about other people, never really doing what I should. This will be my downfall if I refuse to change... So it has to stop. NOW. I need to learn to compartmentalize my feelings and just block out unnecessary things... I am strong enough to live by myself. So let's do it. And I hope I can get a job. And in a few years... someone will be looking at my pictures and feeling the same slap of inspiration.

*think of him, and let it inspire you to go forward.

Thanks, childhood crush =)

** I made it - Lil Wayne

Spring Break

Spring Break was good. Vegas, LA, and a drop by in Chicago.
Met interesting people... saw great sights... had crazy romp. haha. It was much needed though, to get away, get over, get some. hehe.

Last night, someone basically proposed to me. I gotta say, it was the weirdest. Someone loves me so much to never want to live without me in his life...
But I can't return the sentiment. That is sad...

But can you believe it? Someone proposed to me?-ish.

<3

乱

I hate this feeling of being cluttered. Like everything is on the edge... that is why I like a low profiled life.
It happens when you are attached to someone, because no one will hit on you.
It happens when you have a fixed group of friends that you can count on...

I guess in some way, your life becomes stagnant and kind of unexciting. But you gain security. It's one of life's many trade offs.

Now that I am single... guy life has become complicated. And somehow I have lost that self-control.
Friends? It has its ups and downs... I am not quite sure what to think.

But overall... right now... I am feeling cluttered. I don't need this.. I want to enjoy my last semester here.... Leave a nice legacy of my name!

oh well. Let's just.... surf the waves.

On another note. Double chin is making a comeback. Time to cut back and elliptical my lazy fukin ass.

On YET another note. I need to build my confidence. No more refuting compliments. And to stop, please to stop, caring what people think.

Oh, my face is ground zero for acne due to my insane week.

Sometimes...

Sometimes you just have one of those days...

you feel kind of shitty because you are running low on energy. You could easily spend your whole day feeling bad about yourself and thinking about what is wrong with you. And it could go very, very negative.

So here I am. The org won an award. I should be happy. Everyone is. But somehow I am that kind of miser that doesn't seem to share joy that well... no. In fact, I am thinking about if I contributed to any of the success, or if the president is the only reason why we are this great. Or if... I have capabilities to become even as efficient as her. Somehow... I think I lack leadership skills, which I thought I had. I think what I have is people skills... and that's about it. I need leadership skills. I want it.
I have so much self-doubt... ... how did I become like this? I can't seem to see my achievements that well. Also... 心胸狭窄... what do I do to change it?
I am lazy as well.

I need to change....
- Leadership skills
- Laziness
- Time management

I think that will make me a better person, work-wise. I also need to become more self-assured and confident.
I need to feel comfortable not doing anything...
I need to let be what is, and support and share people's joy instead of being such a miser!

Yes. I am glad I am learning all these things about me though. Now I can watch... observe... learn.

v

sick as a dawg

first kiss... it's been awhile.
like 8 years.

still unforgettable though.. I think that is what counts.


Quiz in 45 min...

lust can make you think it is love, if the connection is right.
but is it love if there lacks lust?

my back hurts like a bitch. i am coughing like a sick dog.
and I have to go to party and ski tomorrow.

smoooches.

新年啊新年，快乐吧！

Happy Chinese New Year.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Hmm... I am feeling very strange. Not in the best way... Feels a bit like fear and insecurity. Fear of commitment or getting too close, or possibly having made a mistake. Insecurity, feeling unsettled because of ignorance as to what the issue really is, and unsettled because something feels out of control and I feel the need to set time aside to worry and bite my nails.

I am not sure what it is.

But I think as I am starting to understand myself, that I am very afraid of getting too close to someone (as a guy)... As a friend, I am very afraid of exposing too much of myself too soon. Somehow over the years I have managed to condition myself to reveal as little as possible about my life.

Anyway, Chinese New Year. It is almost like another opportunity for a clean slate, just because I am Chinese. Which I like and appreciate. But ... how clean of a slate can I get?
I'm feeling quite bogged down by thoughts that aren't quite surfacing right now!!

point is. Year of the Tiger... Welcome! I hope this year will be a great one. Afterall, 2010... it looks awesome as a number.

I really need to list some of my goals and aspirations... even though I haven't really figured them out yet. haha.

...Why do I keep wondering what other people are doing, and if they are alone or not? I have issues.

Valen-fucking-tines

Well, technically it's tomorrow. So this is premature.

Always thought that SOMETHING happened on valentines day... perhaps this will be my most uneventful one in awhile... but then its 新年 and let's face it... I have enough baggage. Did I mention I have another baggage now?
If only I could translate my emotional baggage into designer handbags, i'd be set for life, handbags wise.
I am single for valentine's day this year; first time in... 2?3? years. Yet I am not free to roam and sow wild oats. Nope, I am tied down by baggage. Confusing ones... I sometimes really don't have a fucking clue what my heart is thinking (haha ironic)... or just what, more specifically, WHO, I want. I wish I knew.
Relationship post-mortem, I don't think I loved. I don't know if I know how to. I don't think I know how to love at all. I take them for granted, I am impatient, and I just catch myself before I fall. And I tell myself, hey man it's cool don't take this too seriously. So I have that leeway incase something goes down. Now, it's 8 years since I started telling myself that and... well. I haven't been able to fully fall into anything and just stay there. I feel quite heartless because people have and yet I can walk away unscathed. Is this what bitches and old spinsters (UNWANTED spinsters) are made of? I am attracted to people all the time, I think I crush easily... so I get distracted. I can't seem to just fixate myself on someone and fall, uninhibited, into someone. Is it because I am scared of getting hurt?

You don't really know what it means to truly love someone.. until you put their needs above your own.

I sure as frucking hell don't.

I don't know where my warped thinking comes from. I want to be in love too, but I think I am scared of dedicating my heart to someone. A friend told me that I should let go of the past; haven't I? He says I haven't if I can't seem to take things in with an open heart again. Are my scar tissues so deep and tough that I can't move beyond them?
I want to love someone too. Maybe I am just too insecure. Maybe I haven't found the right person. Maybe it's not the right time. Or maybe... I have closed off myself. Should I open up? I guess at this point I don't even know who to give my heart to. Will I always be like this?
I think I am growing up somehow.. even if I don't realize... I am starting to think differently and streamline what is important to me. But emotionally am I stunted by this inability and reluctance to let anyone in? I am not sure if I even know how to.
I've hurt many in the past; I am not proud. I feel bad. But it makes me even more scared that karma will bite me in the ass when I do let someone in.

Maybe this Valentines day, Me Myself and I will figure out my heart. Maybe my party of one, my solo date will reconcile and be content being alone, figure out what to do alone instead of thinking about all those surrounding non-designer bag baggages.
Or perhaps a miracle will happen and I will be able to rid all scars and start again with an open heart. Or perhaps I will realize what love is to me. And that there is someone special I am in love with.
3 different people, 3 different feelings. Utter confusion.

Dear Heart,

Happy Valentines Day. What do you want?

Love,
Me.


Oh, Happy Valentines Day, everyone.