Hmmm. Been thinking....

Maybe the cause of so many failed relationships is not only because the youth of today are just fickle-minded...
long distance relationships are terribly hard, and with today's increasing globalization... people just can't stay together always anymore.
Maybe the reason why people break up is because they are realistic; it isn't because they can't keep their hands to themselves, it is because they don't cling onto that dream of rainbows and butterflies.

so therefore...

the reason for so many failed long distance relationships is because of globalization. And how realistic people are.

By the by...

I have missed you.



just out of curiosity.... would it be really bad if I kissed another guy? Just so I can withdraw myself from this failing relationship?

Hello Once More

Hello Blog,

Hello once again. I am back. You are the place I turn to... and it is interesting because it puts all my emotions on a time line... and looking back, I see how things have changed. The question is, How, and Why?

Let's bring you up to date. Let's bring you into a snapshot of my current life.

After 4.5 years, I have moved back to Shanghai.
After 22 years, I have gotten my first real job.
After 22 years, 4 (official) relationships, I am on my 5th.
This 5th relationship has broken more pieces of my heart and put me through more emotions and grief than any other relationship before.
This 5th relationship means the most to me... and after 22 years, I can conclude I have really fallen in love. HARD. for a person who is now "sick and tired" of me, and who can't "deal" with my anymore.
I currently hate my life.

That is my situation. Oh, did I mention, i hate my job? It is demanding and I try and try to look on the bright side, but overall, to no avail. I sometimes think there is parts of it I like, but overall, I hate my job. It is beyond demanding, esp for a first job, they work you to the ground with no appropriate compensation. I don't know how Chinese people worse off handle life.

Oh, my relationship drama severely affects my feelings, mood, mentality, my HEALTH, my physical being. Which in turn affects my job, so I can barely think at work, let alone do my job. But I paint on this facade that I am cheery and happy even when I am sad, because let's face it, no one at work gives a flying fuck about your personal life and how crumbly it is. It is... one of the most draining social activities I have ever come across in my life.

I am deeply dissatisfied with how I am thinking, how I am acting in this relationship, yet I can't breakthrough. I don't know how to open up and accept. I don't know how. It's really hard for me.

What I truly need, What I truly want, is a break. I want to leave this job... take a break to figure myself out, my next step, and fall back into it. I came back to Shanghai and was thrown into the job a few days later. BIG MISTAKE. Never do that again, we all need some time to readjust back. Ever since I have been back I haven't had time to readjust back. It adds to the mental stress.

I really want to spend time with him and figure things out; I want to be back in the US where I could see him and touch him and be with him. It was so much easier. Long distance relationships are terribly hard, esp when you have trust problems and when you are controlling and paranoid. It is a LETHAL combination. Exactly what I have here, hence the failing relationship. I just want some time with him.. to decide if this is really what we can fight for, or if....有缘无分.

A question I have come up recently is.... Why am I so in love with this man? Why? What is so good about him? I really need to think about this.
I think a big reason can be cropped to the fact that he is "innocent" but recently I have been struck that.. it might not be true. And it is driving me insane, just INSANE.

After I quit, I really want to take a holiday... to just recollect. My dad wants me to move to Singapore... I don't know why, but it doesn't seem like a terrible idea besides their accents and the heat.

Dear Blog, I am lost. Very lost. I have no idea what I want to do and how to get there, and if I can handle the workload at all, if I should stay with this man or if all men I will find from now on will be perverts who think with their dicks, if I should stay at this job and stick it out, if I will end up liking it eventually, if I should stay in Shanghai or move to Singapore, if... what if....

At 22 years, I can conclude I have never felt more puzzled about my life. And I miss college. Back then I just worried about exams and grades and friendship, if Kimmy wanted to be my friend or fucking not. Which doesn't even matter because I don't want her as a friend anyway.

I'm going crazy... I really need a break. I really need to recollect and step back and just.... relax a bit.

Please, please, please. Save me somehow.

March. 3 Months since.

我的心里好难受。。。

to love someone and not feel it being reciprocated, it really sucks. Especially when you thought that person did and it was amazing...

To have, then for the person to assure you and blind you into believing its real... then to be wrenched out of it because of the blatant obviousness of the person's actions...

it really really hurts.

You have to realize what you had wasn't real. And that now, that person no longer gives a shit. And now, your love is not reciprocated. And you need to climb out and move on.

It hurts... and I feel so frustrated, angry, disappointed and just plain SAD.

I feel so sad.

心

我觉得我对他真的是卸下了心房
我还想说这次我要对他更好
已经尽量了
我的耐心还有容纳并不够

有些东西使我忍无可忍
为什么别的女生偏偏可以接受我却一点都不可以忍受
我这样子...　会导致每个男生,　就连最诚实诚恳的　说谎吗?

我的心这几天经历了许多挫折和压力
我的心　现在有点闷...
我憋的很不快乐
我的心上有了裂痕
碎碎的痛

卸下了心房...　我觉得我的心裂了点...
我看我可能会开始心淡了

回到保护自己的状态
我应该是可以的
让自己不要为了小事悲伤

我在想...　这样应该不错
所以啊　男人
我在考虑让你不知不觉中
失去我的那份真心
反正你的谎言
已经让我的心冷

这很有可能是心淡的开始.　　

4 Letter Word

Yes. I think I do.

I think i Love him.

And this time, I want to stop protecting myself... I want to let myself go.. shed my walls for this amazing romantic man who makes me grow... and learn... who loves me, who accepts me, who needs me and wants my attention... who craves me... who cuddles me and talks to me... who i can sit on the couch and chat with... laugh... have childish stupid moments... who makes me feel so loved...who for the first time... feel I can trust fully... be it talking, girls, other women... and just his love for me...

I am his first woman and he says I am his everything...

I love this man... this handsome, tall amazing man. He is the type of man I want. Quiet, strong, assuring, a bit clingy and childish, and (learning) to man up and take care of me. He puts in effort to surprise me and make me happy, emails me for no reason, and is not too lazy to call.

He puts me first...

I need to appreciate it and be grateful. I need to cherish him.

And I will. I am going to let myself fall very hard, right into him. I want to go the distance with him.

I hope to be with him... forever and always. It's beautiful.

Expectations

To live in a less tiresome fashion, I think I need to drop all expectations towards friends... and realize that no one owes me anything. That I am not the Queen of the Universe.

I also need to realize that not everyone is the same, and no one is the same as me. Therefore they might think differently, and do differently. And their actions cannot be interpreted my own way.

And I should not, absolutely not, care so much. About the little details of people that don't matter, and of what people say or think about me. Because this is tying me down and bogging me down and holding me down from what I want to do. Or feel. Or achieve.

Because you know, if I am not the Queen of the Universe, who gives a flying fuck about what I am constantly doing or thinking?

I also resolve to take risks with Circle of friends. If you don't bring your good friends together... you can't have a circle of good friends.