Yes. I think I do.
I think i Love him.
And this time, I want to stop protecting myself... I want to let myself go.. shed my walls for this amazing romantic man who makes me grow... and learn... who loves me, who accepts me, who needs me and wants my attention... who craves me... who cuddles me and talks to me... who i can sit on the couch and chat with... laugh... have childish stupid moments... who makes me feel so loved...who for the first time... feel I can trust fully... be it talking, girls, other women... and just his love for me...
I am his first woman and he says I am his everything...
I love this man... this handsome, tall amazing man. He is the type of man I want. Quiet, strong, assuring, a bit clingy and childish, and (learning) to man up and take care of me. He puts in effort to surprise me and make me happy, emails me for no reason, and is not too lazy to call.
He puts me first...
I need to appreciate it and be grateful. I need to cherish him.
And I will. I am going to let myself fall very hard, right into him. I want to go the distance with him.
I hope to be with him... forever and always. It's beautiful.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Expectations
To live in a less tiresome fashion, I think I need to drop all expectations towards friends... and realize that no one owes me anything. That I am not the Queen of the Universe.
I also need to realize that not everyone is the same, and no one is the same as me. Therefore they might think differently, and do differently. And their actions cannot be interpreted my own way.
And I should not, absolutely not, care so much. About the little details of people that don't matter, and of what people say or think about me. Because this is tying me down and bogging me down and holding me down from what I want to do. Or feel. Or achieve.
Because you know, if I am not the Queen of the Universe, who gives a flying fuck about what I am constantly doing or thinking?
I also resolve to take risks with Circle of friends. If you don't bring your good friends together... you can't have a circle of good friends.
I also need to realize that not everyone is the same, and no one is the same as me. Therefore they might think differently, and do differently. And their actions cannot be interpreted my own way.
And I should not, absolutely not, care so much. About the little details of people that don't matter, and of what people say or think about me. Because this is tying me down and bogging me down and holding me down from what I want to do. Or feel. Or achieve.
Because you know, if I am not the Queen of the Universe, who gives a flying fuck about what I am constantly doing or thinking?
I also resolve to take risks with Circle of friends. If you don't bring your good friends together... you can't have a circle of good friends.
豁达
It has come the time when... I am tired of the way I am. It is truly time for a change... to outgrow what I have been living with the past 21 years, through all the morphing, for better or for worse.
This entire summer I have been reflecting and thinking... based mostly off the reaping of my last four years, but also just me.
There are many little epiphanies I have found, many things I can work on. In some sense, this is taking a step back and looking at things with a slightly (albeit very slight) different perspective. And suddenly you are hovering over reality, taking on the bird's eye view -
you see-
you really see -
what you have been feeling deep in your heart... it wasn't a mistake. It was really what you felt. Those people weren't right for you. They are indeed a waste of your time.
I need to take risks.
I need to live with passion and enthusiasm... living life is pretty tiring and you need the energy... the energy comes from enthusiasm for improving yourself, and striving to create a good life everyday.
I need to stop being so hard up over what people think or say.
I recently learned a Chinese word: 豁达
It is one of the best words in any language that I have ever come across. Two characters, so much meaning, and exactly what I need to work towards.
豁达指心胸开阔，性格开朗，能容人容事。豁达是一种大度和宽容，豁达是一种品格和美德，豁达是一种乐观的豪爽，豁达是一种博大的胸怀、洒脱的态度，也是人生中最高的境界之一。
This entire summer I have been reflecting and thinking... based mostly off the reaping of my last four years, but also just me.
There are many little epiphanies I have found, many things I can work on. In some sense, this is taking a step back and looking at things with a slightly (albeit very slight) different perspective. And suddenly you are hovering over reality, taking on the bird's eye view -
you see-
you really see -
what you have been feeling deep in your heart... it wasn't a mistake. It was really what you felt. Those people weren't right for you. They are indeed a waste of your time.
I need to take risks.
I need to live with passion and enthusiasm... living life is pretty tiring and you need the energy... the energy comes from enthusiasm for improving yourself, and striving to create a good life everyday.
I need to stop being so hard up over what people think or say.
I recently learned a Chinese word: 豁达
It is one of the best words in any language that I have ever come across. Two characters, so much meaning, and exactly what I need to work towards.
豁达指心胸开阔，性格开朗，能容人容事。豁达是一种大度和宽容，豁达是一种品格和美德，豁达是一种乐观的豪爽，豁达是一种博大的胸怀、洒脱的态度，也是人生中最高的境界之一。
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Luo Shan Ji
So. In LA for a getaway.
Much needed, to say the least. I finally feel like I am regaining my sanity. It has been a tough time... and the thing is, I am not even sure why. Maybe it is because I love to be irrational and think/worry about things that i shouldn't or cannot control. It's almost like a hobby.
I am tired of it... tired of myself... in many ways... I just want to be happy and live life content. Instead of chasing what cannot be mine... always seeking to please other people and be part of everyone's lives... WHY? I have been doing that... but I still feel miserable and left out. Or at least, feel like I am on the verge of being left out. It's pathetic really... how I was pining over Kimmy's attention, caring so much about Mandy... they are all the same type of people, the same people I cannot click with but I strive to be their friends. WHY CANT I JUST LET BE WHAT IS?
I am afraid of not having any good friends, real friends. I only have a few, really. Many of my "real" friends have somehow dropped out of my life into an abyss, and I never see them again. The list is long... Daphne, Geoffrey, Livia...
All these people I took to heart, wanted to be exclusive with. All these people that let me down.
Honestly, sometimes I think best friends come from a guy loving you and then becoming a friend after. Because guess what, many of my friends are.
It makes me sad that I need to find friends this way... And it's not like I intentionally attract them so that I can get best friends... I start out genuinely being friends. Why can't I get good friends? Girlfriends? Am I doing something wrong?
I think it may be because I am not easy going enough, so knit-picky until I tire my friends out. Too sensitive and.. too petty, I suppose. I am trying to change. To be easy going-er... and just not get mad at every little thing that crosses me a bit. We'll see how that goes...
Anyway, in LA. Been having a good time thus far. I want to free my mind, let some things sink in, and perhaps FIND A JOB?!... and also to get some peace. And perhaps, through all that, achieve a few wondrous epiphanies.
Much needed, to say the least. I finally feel like I am regaining my sanity. It has been a tough time... and the thing is, I am not even sure why. Maybe it is because I love to be irrational and think/worry about things that i shouldn't or cannot control. It's almost like a hobby.
I am tired of it... tired of myself... in many ways... I just want to be happy and live life content. Instead of chasing what cannot be mine... always seeking to please other people and be part of everyone's lives... WHY? I have been doing that... but I still feel miserable and left out. Or at least, feel like I am on the verge of being left out. It's pathetic really... how I was pining over Kimmy's attention, caring so much about Mandy... they are all the same type of people, the same people I cannot click with but I strive to be their friends. WHY CANT I JUST LET BE WHAT IS?
I am afraid of not having any good friends, real friends. I only have a few, really. Many of my "real" friends have somehow dropped out of my life into an abyss, and I never see them again. The list is long... Daphne, Geoffrey, Livia...
All these people I took to heart, wanted to be exclusive with. All these people that let me down.
Honestly, sometimes I think best friends come from a guy loving you and then becoming a friend after. Because guess what, many of my friends are.
It makes me sad that I need to find friends this way... And it's not like I intentionally attract them so that I can get best friends... I start out genuinely being friends. Why can't I get good friends? Girlfriends? Am I doing something wrong?
I think it may be because I am not easy going enough, so knit-picky until I tire my friends out. Too sensitive and.. too petty, I suppose. I am trying to change. To be easy going-er... and just not get mad at every little thing that crosses me a bit. We'll see how that goes...
Anyway, in LA. Been having a good time thus far. I want to free my mind, let some things sink in, and perhaps FIND A JOB?!... and also to get some peace. And perhaps, through all that, achieve a few wondrous epiphanies.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Wait.. .What?
It just occurred to me... 2010 is going to end soon. I commenced in May, and I thought, wow we are almost halfway through with 2010. Now, it is mid August, and we are more than halfway through with 2010. And summer seemed to have started not too long ago. It is really weird how time passes by so quickly.
2010 is almost done... I want to have accomplished something... mentally or not, by the time I become 22.
OMG. 22 years old. I am ending my 21st year of life. This is pretty big. I am getting old.
2010 is almost done... I want to have accomplished something... mentally or not, by the time I become 22.
OMG. 22 years old. I am ending my 21st year of life. This is pretty big. I am getting old.
A ways to Go
This weekend, with all the stress and exhaustion, TAS and I had a huge row, getting into a huge fight.
I realized that I really do care for him deeply... I suppose that feeling is love. I love the idea of me being in love with him though... it is wonderful.
But I also realized, he has ways to go before being the man I need and want in my life. He has to grow up, become a mature man who can take responsibility and do things properly for himself, to be able to take care of me and also someone who has initiative to sort things out.
Besides all this, I still want him. Yesterday when things finally winded down, we made up. It was really nice, because what we have hasn't changed. And at night, we got back at someone by doing something on that person's bed. hurhurhur.
It was the most amazing experience. So much desire and passion, so much want... but so gentle... so much love that it was almost unsexual. It was soft and sensual, romantic and sweet. Together, we were. A reunion. And it was truly something passionate and loving. I felt it, and I have never felt it before. It was like, being desperate to give everything you have and take everything the other person has, the desire to want the other person to feel everything you have while being really gentle. Kissing every surface that comes close to your lips.... wow.
Mmm... after that tears sprang to my eyes because I really felt it. Beautiful.
Love is a four letter word.
I realized that I really do care for him deeply... I suppose that feeling is love. I love the idea of me being in love with him though... it is wonderful.
But I also realized, he has ways to go before being the man I need and want in my life. He has to grow up, become a mature man who can take responsibility and do things properly for himself, to be able to take care of me and also someone who has initiative to sort things out.
Besides all this, I still want him. Yesterday when things finally winded down, we made up. It was really nice, because what we have hasn't changed. And at night, we got back at someone by doing something on that person's bed. hurhurhur.
It was the most amazing experience. So much desire and passion, so much want... but so gentle... so much love that it was almost unsexual. It was soft and sensual, romantic and sweet. Together, we were. A reunion. And it was truly something passionate and loving. I felt it, and I have never felt it before. It was like, being desperate to give everything you have and take everything the other person has, the desire to want the other person to feel everything you have while being really gentle. Kissing every surface that comes close to your lips.... wow.
Mmm... after that tears sprang to my eyes because I really felt it. Beautiful.
Love is a four letter word.
Officially
I am officially...
1) graduated
2) homeless
3) unemployed
4) almost friendless
5) in awe of nature
Let's elaborate on my past weekend shall we? The weekend of 8/14 - 8/16.
1) I officially graduated on 8/8. That was the last official day of summer school, even though my class really ended 4 days before. I ended college on a good note; I got the highest final exam score in my class, and my professor really liked me. He might be a good one to ask for a recommendation from. So I am now an alumni; gotta say, it is a weird feeling to be really completely out of school. No september "school starts now" dates. No winter "break". No summer "vacation". This is what is like to be done... to be thrown into unemployment, to say the least! Done with college. Yet somehow, I have not discarded my childish mentalities when it comes to some things, such as friends, social life and what not. This is a really hard battle to fight... and I am struggling to overcome my immature mentality.
2) Yes. I am homeless. 8/14 was when I moved out of 430 West Johnson Street, my beloved apartment for 2 years. Packing was hectic, moving out was even MORE hectic. It was a nightmare weekend, to say the least. I was exhausted, sick, and overwhelmingly busy and stressed. Now, I will bum around at people's houses while I try to figure out my next step. To stay in Madison, or not to stay? To move to San Francisco or not to move? Ah, these are the questions. I hate being homeless, my home was my sanctuary, no matter how dirty or messy it was. Now I feel uprooted.
3) Unemployed. 'nuff said.
4) The last of my Hk bunch friends moved out of madison. Geoff went back to HK, Natalie moved to Chicago. Now I am waiting for Diana to get back... then she'd be my only friend. The plus side is, I can prob work on my friendship with her, maybe get something substantial from that. Malaysians all left... just a few left that I can probably work on. Besides all this, I feel really friendless. It almost makes me question, who were my friends? I mean people left, but I was alright. Now, though, I feel like I have literally no friends. Just a whole bunch of acquaintances I barely want to hang out with. Makes me sad.
5) On the night of 8/14, I was homeless with TAS. My friend, whose place I was going to bum at, he invited us to go to Devil's Lake with him and his friends, in particular, this one guy whose grandparents have a cottage up there, by a lake. We were hesitant at first, but we went eventually. Turned out to be one of the best decisions ever. That day, I conquered my fear of heights; I climbed a bluff. Lemme tell you, that was a pretty high bluff and I was up there climbing away clammering for rocks and boulders to hang on to. One slip, I would have fallen and shattered my poor little skull on a massive rock. I did it... barefoot... and when I reached the top of the bluff, the view was breathtaking, simply gorgeous. When we were finally coming down from the bluff, I looked at the view of the lake... the moon was reflected onto the surface of the water. It was really something beautiful. It made me miss the times when I went hiking... camping... just nature activities. We are too caught up in city life to even think about nature... And you know what, I finally understood the proper life of the Midwest, or anywhere "hick". It's the beauty of nature and all these outdoor activities that you can fully indulge in... it is a gift to the place that no man can ever synthesize. It felt really amazing to be outdoors, to feel the humid hair hit my face and run through my hair...
That night was even more amazing. Mike's grandparents have a lovely cottage, right next to a lake. Their backyard is grass and a lake. That's not the most amazing part. I already thought my day was amazing... until night fell and I looked up... to a billion stars. The number of glowing sparkles in the sky really, truly, blew my mind. The sky was shimmering... and that night, I saw the milky way for the first time. The Nebula. Oh god... It was just incredibly beautiful. It is certainly an image I wish to preserve in my head for the rest of my life. I just felt so happy, so joyful, so at peace and filled with appreciation for the world. All of us jumped off the dock, and into warm lake water. It was amazing. There were clams at the bottom of the lake too! Soft sand at the bottom of the lake... We swam and floated on our backs. I remember doing that and looking up to shimmers in the dark sky...
It was really astounding. It felt so wonderful.
Seeing the big sky with all its glorious lights made me feel really small. We are simply small specks in this lake, and this lake is a small part of the state, which is one of 50 in the United States, which is one of the numerous countries on this planet, which is one of the many planets in the solar system, which is one of the many in the galaxy, which is one of the many in the universe.
If you think about it, we are comparable to little ants in a big farm.
Why are we always so caught up with our lives? Sometimes all we need is a little nature to put things in perspective.
I have never done or seen something like that in my life. Not even year 12 in Thailand could compare to that. It was the most amazing thing ever. To be honest, it completely made my summer. Totally worth it... I felt so rejuvenated after.
I just wanted to put that memory down somewhere so that it can officially be something to remember.
-----
1) graduated
2) homeless
3) unemployed
4) almost friendless
5) in awe of nature
Let's elaborate on my past weekend shall we? The weekend of 8/14 - 8/16.
1) I officially graduated on 8/8. That was the last official day of summer school, even though my class really ended 4 days before. I ended college on a good note; I got the highest final exam score in my class, and my professor really liked me. He might be a good one to ask for a recommendation from. So I am now an alumni; gotta say, it is a weird feeling to be really completely out of school. No september "school starts now" dates. No winter "break". No summer "vacation". This is what is like to be done... to be thrown into unemployment, to say the least! Done with college. Yet somehow, I have not discarded my childish mentalities when it comes to some things, such as friends, social life and what not. This is a really hard battle to fight... and I am struggling to overcome my immature mentality.
2) Yes. I am homeless. 8/14 was when I moved out of 430 West Johnson Street, my beloved apartment for 2 years. Packing was hectic, moving out was even MORE hectic. It was a nightmare weekend, to say the least. I was exhausted, sick, and overwhelmingly busy and stressed. Now, I will bum around at people's houses while I try to figure out my next step. To stay in Madison, or not to stay? To move to San Francisco or not to move? Ah, these are the questions. I hate being homeless, my home was my sanctuary, no matter how dirty or messy it was. Now I feel uprooted.
3) Unemployed. 'nuff said.
4) The last of my Hk bunch friends moved out of madison. Geoff went back to HK, Natalie moved to Chicago. Now I am waiting for Diana to get back... then she'd be my only friend. The plus side is, I can prob work on my friendship with her, maybe get something substantial from that. Malaysians all left... just a few left that I can probably work on. Besides all this, I feel really friendless. It almost makes me question, who were my friends? I mean people left, but I was alright. Now, though, I feel like I have literally no friends. Just a whole bunch of acquaintances I barely want to hang out with. Makes me sad.
5) On the night of 8/14, I was homeless with TAS. My friend, whose place I was going to bum at, he invited us to go to Devil's Lake with him and his friends, in particular, this one guy whose grandparents have a cottage up there, by a lake. We were hesitant at first, but we went eventually. Turned out to be one of the best decisions ever. That day, I conquered my fear of heights; I climbed a bluff. Lemme tell you, that was a pretty high bluff and I was up there climbing away clammering for rocks and boulders to hang on to. One slip, I would have fallen and shattered my poor little skull on a massive rock. I did it... barefoot... and when I reached the top of the bluff, the view was breathtaking, simply gorgeous. When we were finally coming down from the bluff, I looked at the view of the lake... the moon was reflected onto the surface of the water. It was really something beautiful. It made me miss the times when I went hiking... camping... just nature activities. We are too caught up in city life to even think about nature... And you know what, I finally understood the proper life of the Midwest, or anywhere "hick". It's the beauty of nature and all these outdoor activities that you can fully indulge in... it is a gift to the place that no man can ever synthesize. It felt really amazing to be outdoors, to feel the humid hair hit my face and run through my hair...
That night was even more amazing. Mike's grandparents have a lovely cottage, right next to a lake. Their backyard is grass and a lake. That's not the most amazing part. I already thought my day was amazing... until night fell and I looked up... to a billion stars. The number of glowing sparkles in the sky really, truly, blew my mind. The sky was shimmering... and that night, I saw the milky way for the first time. The Nebula. Oh god... It was just incredibly beautiful. It is certainly an image I wish to preserve in my head for the rest of my life. I just felt so happy, so joyful, so at peace and filled with appreciation for the world. All of us jumped off the dock, and into warm lake water. It was amazing. There were clams at the bottom of the lake too! Soft sand at the bottom of the lake... We swam and floated on our backs. I remember doing that and looking up to shimmers in the dark sky...
It was really astounding. It felt so wonderful.
Seeing the big sky with all its glorious lights made me feel really small. We are simply small specks in this lake, and this lake is a small part of the state, which is one of 50 in the United States, which is one of the numerous countries on this planet, which is one of the many planets in the solar system, which is one of the many in the galaxy, which is one of the many in the universe.
If you think about it, we are comparable to little ants in a big farm.
Why are we always so caught up with our lives? Sometimes all we need is a little nature to put things in perspective.
I have never done or seen something like that in my life. Not even year 12 in Thailand could compare to that. It was the most amazing thing ever. To be honest, it completely made my summer. Totally worth it... I felt so rejuvenated after.
I just wanted to put that memory down somewhere so that it can officially be something to remember.
-----
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