It just occurred to me... 2010 is going to end soon. I commenced in May, and I thought, wow we are almost halfway through with 2010. Now, it is mid August, and we are more than halfway through with 2010. And summer seemed to have started not too long ago. It is really weird how time passes by so quickly.
2010 is almost done... I want to have accomplished something... mentally or not, by the time I become 22.
OMG. 22 years old. I am ending my 21st year of life. This is pretty big. I am getting old.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
A ways to Go
This weekend, with all the stress and exhaustion, TAS and I had a huge row, getting into a huge fight.
I realized that I really do care for him deeply... I suppose that feeling is love. I love the idea of me being in love with him though... it is wonderful.
But I also realized, he has ways to go before being the man I need and want in my life. He has to grow up, become a mature man who can take responsibility and do things properly for himself, to be able to take care of me and also someone who has initiative to sort things out.
Besides all this, I still want him. Yesterday when things finally winded down, we made up. It was really nice, because what we have hasn't changed. And at night, we got back at someone by doing something on that person's bed. hurhurhur.
It was the most amazing experience. So much desire and passion, so much want... but so gentle... so much love that it was almost unsexual. It was soft and sensual, romantic and sweet. Together, we were. A reunion. And it was truly something passionate and loving. I felt it, and I have never felt it before. It was like, being desperate to give everything you have and take everything the other person has, the desire to want the other person to feel everything you have while being really gentle. Kissing every surface that comes close to your lips.... wow.
Mmm... after that tears sprang to my eyes because I really felt it. Beautiful.
Love is a four letter word.
I realized that I really do care for him deeply... I suppose that feeling is love. I love the idea of me being in love with him though... it is wonderful.
But I also realized, he has ways to go before being the man I need and want in my life. He has to grow up, become a mature man who can take responsibility and do things properly for himself, to be able to take care of me and also someone who has initiative to sort things out.
Besides all this, I still want him. Yesterday when things finally winded down, we made up. It was really nice, because what we have hasn't changed. And at night, we got back at someone by doing something on that person's bed. hurhurhur.
It was the most amazing experience. So much desire and passion, so much want... but so gentle... so much love that it was almost unsexual. It was soft and sensual, romantic and sweet. Together, we were. A reunion. And it was truly something passionate and loving. I felt it, and I have never felt it before. It was like, being desperate to give everything you have and take everything the other person has, the desire to want the other person to feel everything you have while being really gentle. Kissing every surface that comes close to your lips.... wow.
Mmm... after that tears sprang to my eyes because I really felt it. Beautiful.
Love is a four letter word.
Officially
I am officially...
1) graduated
2) homeless
3) unemployed
4) almost friendless
5) in awe of nature
Let's elaborate on my past weekend shall we? The weekend of 8/14 - 8/16.
1) I officially graduated on 8/8. That was the last official day of summer school, even though my class really ended 4 days before. I ended college on a good note; I got the highest final exam score in my class, and my professor really liked me. He might be a good one to ask for a recommendation from. So I am now an alumni; gotta say, it is a weird feeling to be really completely out of school. No september "school starts now" dates. No winter "break". No summer "vacation". This is what is like to be done... to be thrown into unemployment, to say the least! Done with college. Yet somehow, I have not discarded my childish mentalities when it comes to some things, such as friends, social life and what not. This is a really hard battle to fight... and I am struggling to overcome my immature mentality.
2) Yes. I am homeless. 8/14 was when I moved out of 430 West Johnson Street, my beloved apartment for 2 years. Packing was hectic, moving out was even MORE hectic. It was a nightmare weekend, to say the least. I was exhausted, sick, and overwhelmingly busy and stressed. Now, I will bum around at people's houses while I try to figure out my next step. To stay in Madison, or not to stay? To move to San Francisco or not to move? Ah, these are the questions. I hate being homeless, my home was my sanctuary, no matter how dirty or messy it was. Now I feel uprooted.
3) Unemployed. 'nuff said.
4) The last of my Hk bunch friends moved out of madison. Geoff went back to HK, Natalie moved to Chicago. Now I am waiting for Diana to get back... then she'd be my only friend. The plus side is, I can prob work on my friendship with her, maybe get something substantial from that. Malaysians all left... just a few left that I can probably work on. Besides all this, I feel really friendless. It almost makes me question, who were my friends? I mean people left, but I was alright. Now, though, I feel like I have literally no friends. Just a whole bunch of acquaintances I barely want to hang out with. Makes me sad.
5) On the night of 8/14, I was homeless with TAS. My friend, whose place I was going to bum at, he invited us to go to Devil's Lake with him and his friends, in particular, this one guy whose grandparents have a cottage up there, by a lake. We were hesitant at first, but we went eventually. Turned out to be one of the best decisions ever. That day, I conquered my fear of heights; I climbed a bluff. Lemme tell you, that was a pretty high bluff and I was up there climbing away clammering for rocks and boulders to hang on to. One slip, I would have fallen and shattered my poor little skull on a massive rock. I did it... barefoot... and when I reached the top of the bluff, the view was breathtaking, simply gorgeous. When we were finally coming down from the bluff, I looked at the view of the lake... the moon was reflected onto the surface of the water. It was really something beautiful. It made me miss the times when I went hiking... camping... just nature activities. We are too caught up in city life to even think about nature... And you know what, I finally understood the proper life of the Midwest, or anywhere "hick". It's the beauty of nature and all these outdoor activities that you can fully indulge in... it is a gift to the place that no man can ever synthesize. It felt really amazing to be outdoors, to feel the humid hair hit my face and run through my hair...
That night was even more amazing. Mike's grandparents have a lovely cottage, right next to a lake. Their backyard is grass and a lake. That's not the most amazing part. I already thought my day was amazing... until night fell and I looked up... to a billion stars. The number of glowing sparkles in the sky really, truly, blew my mind. The sky was shimmering... and that night, I saw the milky way for the first time. The Nebula. Oh god... It was just incredibly beautiful. It is certainly an image I wish to preserve in my head for the rest of my life. I just felt so happy, so joyful, so at peace and filled with appreciation for the world. All of us jumped off the dock, and into warm lake water. It was amazing. There were clams at the bottom of the lake too! Soft sand at the bottom of the lake... We swam and floated on our backs. I remember doing that and looking up to shimmers in the dark sky...
It was really astounding. It felt so wonderful.
Seeing the big sky with all its glorious lights made me feel really small. We are simply small specks in this lake, and this lake is a small part of the state, which is one of 50 in the United States, which is one of the numerous countries on this planet, which is one of the many planets in the solar system, which is one of the many in the galaxy, which is one of the many in the universe.
If you think about it, we are comparable to little ants in a big farm.
Why are we always so caught up with our lives? Sometimes all we need is a little nature to put things in perspective.
I have never done or seen something like that in my life. Not even year 12 in Thailand could compare to that. It was the most amazing thing ever. To be honest, it completely made my summer. Totally worth it... I felt so rejuvenated after.
I just wanted to put that memory down somewhere so that it can officially be something to remember.
-----
1) graduated
2) homeless
3) unemployed
4) almost friendless
5) in awe of nature
Let's elaborate on my past weekend shall we? The weekend of 8/14 - 8/16.
1) I officially graduated on 8/8. That was the last official day of summer school, even though my class really ended 4 days before. I ended college on a good note; I got the highest final exam score in my class, and my professor really liked me. He might be a good one to ask for a recommendation from. So I am now an alumni; gotta say, it is a weird feeling to be really completely out of school. No september "school starts now" dates. No winter "break". No summer "vacation". This is what is like to be done... to be thrown into unemployment, to say the least! Done with college. Yet somehow, I have not discarded my childish mentalities when it comes to some things, such as friends, social life and what not. This is a really hard battle to fight... and I am struggling to overcome my immature mentality.
2) Yes. I am homeless. 8/14 was when I moved out of 430 West Johnson Street, my beloved apartment for 2 years. Packing was hectic, moving out was even MORE hectic. It was a nightmare weekend, to say the least. I was exhausted, sick, and overwhelmingly busy and stressed. Now, I will bum around at people's houses while I try to figure out my next step. To stay in Madison, or not to stay? To move to San Francisco or not to move? Ah, these are the questions. I hate being homeless, my home was my sanctuary, no matter how dirty or messy it was. Now I feel uprooted.
3) Unemployed. 'nuff said.
4) The last of my Hk bunch friends moved out of madison. Geoff went back to HK, Natalie moved to Chicago. Now I am waiting for Diana to get back... then she'd be my only friend. The plus side is, I can prob work on my friendship with her, maybe get something substantial from that. Malaysians all left... just a few left that I can probably work on. Besides all this, I feel really friendless. It almost makes me question, who were my friends? I mean people left, but I was alright. Now, though, I feel like I have literally no friends. Just a whole bunch of acquaintances I barely want to hang out with. Makes me sad.
5) On the night of 8/14, I was homeless with TAS. My friend, whose place I was going to bum at, he invited us to go to Devil's Lake with him and his friends, in particular, this one guy whose grandparents have a cottage up there, by a lake. We were hesitant at first, but we went eventually. Turned out to be one of the best decisions ever. That day, I conquered my fear of heights; I climbed a bluff. Lemme tell you, that was a pretty high bluff and I was up there climbing away clammering for rocks and boulders to hang on to. One slip, I would have fallen and shattered my poor little skull on a massive rock. I did it... barefoot... and when I reached the top of the bluff, the view was breathtaking, simply gorgeous. When we were finally coming down from the bluff, I looked at the view of the lake... the moon was reflected onto the surface of the water. It was really something beautiful. It made me miss the times when I went hiking... camping... just nature activities. We are too caught up in city life to even think about nature... And you know what, I finally understood the proper life of the Midwest, or anywhere "hick". It's the beauty of nature and all these outdoor activities that you can fully indulge in... it is a gift to the place that no man can ever synthesize. It felt really amazing to be outdoors, to feel the humid hair hit my face and run through my hair...
That night was even more amazing. Mike's grandparents have a lovely cottage, right next to a lake. Their backyard is grass and a lake. That's not the most amazing part. I already thought my day was amazing... until night fell and I looked up... to a billion stars. The number of glowing sparkles in the sky really, truly, blew my mind. The sky was shimmering... and that night, I saw the milky way for the first time. The Nebula. Oh god... It was just incredibly beautiful. It is certainly an image I wish to preserve in my head for the rest of my life. I just felt so happy, so joyful, so at peace and filled with appreciation for the world. All of us jumped off the dock, and into warm lake water. It was amazing. There were clams at the bottom of the lake too! Soft sand at the bottom of the lake... We swam and floated on our backs. I remember doing that and looking up to shimmers in the dark sky...
It was really astounding. It felt so wonderful.
Seeing the big sky with all its glorious lights made me feel really small. We are simply small specks in this lake, and this lake is a small part of the state, which is one of 50 in the United States, which is one of the numerous countries on this planet, which is one of the many planets in the solar system, which is one of the many in the galaxy, which is one of the many in the universe.
If you think about it, we are comparable to little ants in a big farm.
Why are we always so caught up with our lives? Sometimes all we need is a little nature to put things in perspective.
I have never done or seen something like that in my life. Not even year 12 in Thailand could compare to that. It was the most amazing thing ever. To be honest, it completely made my summer. Totally worth it... I felt so rejuvenated after.
I just wanted to put that memory down somewhere so that it can officially be something to remember.
-----
Friday, July 16, 2010
Twenties Pre-Mid-Life Crisis
It seems apparent to me that when people hit the twenties mark, or the sophomore year-ish time of college, people experience what I'd like to label a pre-mid-life crisis.
The cross roads in the life, the pitchfork, even, where one is at total loss at what to pursue, and how to determine the rest of his/her life's career... and the ambiguity that there is a probability that he/she might end up on the sidewalk of streets shaking a paper cup with, with any luck, a quarter in there, yelling for spare change.
The thing is, given that I have been there (ish; i was a luckier one that had minor setbacks and plenty of guidance), I think this situation taps into a very human nature - fear of failure and the unknown.
Everyone fears change, and the possibility of ending up in an abyss as a substitute for a career. That's the beauty and horror of it all - at this stage, You Never Know.
I have had many friends experience this, mostly people who set out determined to pursue one career path, but setback with this crisis, and head off into another direction. Funnily enough, looking back in retrospect, many of them would say they made the right decision. Off the top of my head I can already think of 2 good friends.
There are others, of course, perhaps under the influence of that culture or society, who seem very keen on pursuing a certain career path and stick to it, undeterred for the rest of their lives. Perhaps there is something out there that they may prefer, but for unpractical reasons, they choose to forgo. I happen to one of those people. I was robbed of my dream of being an archaeologist working at dig sites. I was also unable to pursue my noble dream of saving the world aka. doing Biology to learn about cancer. Other people include Hong Kong kids who go directly into business, because it is the most practical path. Hong Kong, afterall, is a financial hub, where the East meets the West, where the rich meets the poor, where the trendy meet the fashion victims...
Recently (and tonight) TAS (acronyms for someone special) had a meltdown. He is at this severe cross roads. His grades do not allow him to pursue a career in the medical field. He feels as though he has let his parents down, for good.
I strongly believe that he has all the potential in the world to be amazing. He happens to be one of those strange people who is often given too little credit for their talents, simply because they tend to be so low-key, or they somewhat hide it by living under the radar. However, given the situation, they will rise to the circumstance and outperform.
I truly hope that this is one of the times where this withdrawn individual who thinks he has no passions but just many tiny hobbies can look at himself and realize that he is amazing and can do many things. I hope he will find his passion and calling... pursue it, and as we all expect, outperform.
Like a seasoned counselor, I gave him advice which he duly noted. More of a preacher than a practicer myself, I seem to have given him advice that he will take to heart, and which I think will do him good. It seems to me that inspirational quotes that I have a penchant for come in handy in times like these.
I suppose I am writing this entry to express this situation that attacks us at the peak of oblivion. I suppose I am writing this entry to express what I feel towards the TAS.
I suppose I am writing this entry to express my hopes and my wishes for the TAS, believing that he will emerge more successful.
However, he will need to put in work. He can either shoot for the better, or sink for the worse. i will make sure he will go with the former. He is a wonderful person. I really hope he can find something he likes.
I plan to be there to make him the best person he can be, because I want to. Also, I want to be a good... girlfriend-figure for him. To give him the best. Quite frankly, I was not up to par in my previous relationship, and I would really like to be better than a 50 cent girlfriend from now on. Because, what is life full of regrets? No life, that's what it is.
Therefore, my dear invisible readers, this is a case where one should, when life gives them lemons, make lemonade. Make it hard lemonade if you will. The important thing is, when things get sour, you need to reach into the sugar jar and throw in some sugar. Some ice. And sometimes, a bit of alcohol so you can enjoy the drink.
The cross roads in the life, the pitchfork, even, where one is at total loss at what to pursue, and how to determine the rest of his/her life's career... and the ambiguity that there is a probability that he/she might end up on the sidewalk of streets shaking a paper cup with, with any luck, a quarter in there, yelling for spare change.
The thing is, given that I have been there (ish; i was a luckier one that had minor setbacks and plenty of guidance), I think this situation taps into a very human nature - fear of failure and the unknown.
Everyone fears change, and the possibility of ending up in an abyss as a substitute for a career. That's the beauty and horror of it all - at this stage, You Never Know.
I have had many friends experience this, mostly people who set out determined to pursue one career path, but setback with this crisis, and head off into another direction. Funnily enough, looking back in retrospect, many of them would say they made the right decision. Off the top of my head I can already think of 2 good friends.
There are others, of course, perhaps under the influence of that culture or society, who seem very keen on pursuing a certain career path and stick to it, undeterred for the rest of their lives. Perhaps there is something out there that they may prefer, but for unpractical reasons, they choose to forgo. I happen to one of those people. I was robbed of my dream of being an archaeologist working at dig sites. I was also unable to pursue my noble dream of saving the world aka. doing Biology to learn about cancer. Other people include Hong Kong kids who go directly into business, because it is the most practical path. Hong Kong, afterall, is a financial hub, where the East meets the West, where the rich meets the poor, where the trendy meet the fashion victims...
Recently (and tonight) TAS (acronyms for someone special) had a meltdown. He is at this severe cross roads. His grades do not allow him to pursue a career in the medical field. He feels as though he has let his parents down, for good.
I strongly believe that he has all the potential in the world to be amazing. He happens to be one of those strange people who is often given too little credit for their talents, simply because they tend to be so low-key, or they somewhat hide it by living under the radar. However, given the situation, they will rise to the circumstance and outperform.
I truly hope that this is one of the times where this withdrawn individual who thinks he has no passions but just many tiny hobbies can look at himself and realize that he is amazing and can do many things. I hope he will find his passion and calling... pursue it, and as we all expect, outperform.
Like a seasoned counselor, I gave him advice which he duly noted. More of a preacher than a practicer myself, I seem to have given him advice that he will take to heart, and which I think will do him good. It seems to me that inspirational quotes that I have a penchant for come in handy in times like these.
I suppose I am writing this entry to express this situation that attacks us at the peak of oblivion. I suppose I am writing this entry to express what I feel towards the TAS.
I suppose I am writing this entry to express my hopes and my wishes for the TAS, believing that he will emerge more successful.
However, he will need to put in work. He can either shoot for the better, or sink for the worse. i will make sure he will go with the former. He is a wonderful person. I really hope he can find something he likes.
I plan to be there to make him the best person he can be, because I want to. Also, I want to be a good... girlfriend-figure for him. To give him the best. Quite frankly, I was not up to par in my previous relationship, and I would really like to be better than a 50 cent girlfriend from now on. Because, what is life full of regrets? No life, that's what it is.
Therefore, my dear invisible readers, this is a case where one should, when life gives them lemons, make lemonade. Make it hard lemonade if you will. The important thing is, when things get sour, you need to reach into the sugar jar and throw in some sugar. Some ice. And sometimes, a bit of alcohol so you can enjoy the drink.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Pieces
This feeling, it isn't anything new. The same confusion, frustration, feeling left out and disappointed...
And perhaps I am finally tired of really trying.. Maybe the answer is clear. PJ said it. TAS said it. I don't fit in with them. Just too different... Culturally... mentally... even our values are different. They are more superficial, I am sensitive and need the substantial relationships.
Why do I keep trying? I think I need to learn what type of people I need.
I need to stop going with people who will club, drink, live the superficial glam life... and more people who will be on the same wavelength as me mentally.
Point is...
It's time to move on and find better people out there, to build better relationships.
Lesson learned; next time I will find truer friends and hang out once in a while with superficial ones. Next time I will stick to a good group and develop good relationships.
And perhaps I am finally tired of really trying.. Maybe the answer is clear. PJ said it. TAS said it. I don't fit in with them. Just too different... Culturally... mentally... even our values are different. They are more superficial, I am sensitive and need the substantial relationships.
Why do I keep trying? I think I need to learn what type of people I need.
I need to stop going with people who will club, drink, live the superficial glam life... and more people who will be on the same wavelength as me mentally.
Point is...
It's time to move on and find better people out there, to build better relationships.
Lesson learned; next time I will find truer friends and hang out once in a while with superficial ones. Next time I will stick to a good group and develop good relationships.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Last one of the day....
I kinda want to use all my emotions, and my deepest secrets that I pour out into this blog,
to write a book.
Almost like Post Secrets, but then using all these things, simple one liner or a few sentences per page with good illustrations...
That just kind of spill out a girl's inner secrets. Cuz then we will know, all of us aren't alone.
I think it would be a cute project. And I think people would buy it too....
I am starting to get ideas for life now. hur hur hur.
E.g. #1
I am extremely self conscious about anal hair during sex, especially doggy style. But I don't want to wax it off.
to write a book.
Almost like Post Secrets, but then using all these things, simple one liner or a few sentences per page with good illustrations...
That just kind of spill out a girl's inner secrets. Cuz then we will know, all of us aren't alone.
I think it would be a cute project. And I think people would buy it too....
I am starting to get ideas for life now. hur hur hur.
E.g. #1
I am extremely self conscious about anal hair during sex, especially doggy style. But I don't want to wax it off.
解脱
解脱 - 张慧妹
作 词 姚若龙 作 曲 许华强
歌词制作：Harbor
爱是不夜城
回忆像星辰
热泪越沸腾
我 越感觉有点冷
变了心的人
越想越伤人
枯坐到清晨
阳光替房间开了灯
想苦结局一样
又何苦再想
想若让人成长
我为什么怕分手的伤
解脱是肯承认这是个错
我不应该还不放手
你有自由走我有自由好好过
解脱是懂擦干泪看以后
找个新方向往前走
这世界辽阔
我总会实现一个梦
想苦结局一样
又何苦再想
想若让人成长
我为什么怕分手的伤
解脱是肯承认这是个错
我不应该还不放手
你有自由走我有自由好好过
心里有一种渴望勇敢的念头
不要爱我的人再担心我
解脱是肯承认这是个错
我不应该还不放手
你有自由走我有自由好好过
解脱是懂擦干泪看以后
找个新方向往前走
这世界辽阔
我总会实现一个梦
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