Graduation 2010

Yesterday,

May 15th 2010


I graduated as a business student from the school of business.

A milestone, paramount...
it hasn't hit me quite yet.

But somehow, in the back of my head, despite all the mental filters and denial...
I know...
I am growing up. Progressing through life's stages.
It makes me think back to when I was just 12, college seemed like a lifetime away. All I wanted to be was 17 so I could relate to the characters in my tween books.
Now... I am embarking on adulthood.
It's weird, almost like watching a movie where they show someone's life.. film time of about 2 minutes.

I sincerely wish for myself that I can reach my dreams. That I can be successful. And that I have the determination and will put in the hard work to match my ambition. That, I really want.

I need to spend a post or few reflecting on my college life. On the people, on the things I have learned, on the things I have realized. And I will. Because the last four years have given me things I have never imagined or experienced. And they have changed me, made me grow, for better or for worse.

I am, however, still waiting for my revelation. It is coming to me, I feel it. Slowly, I am letting myself accept some flaws (at least to see and acknowledge them) and I am starting to change the way I think. I think the revelation is seeping through. I know I will get it before I am out.

I'll be back here.

Class of 2010, welcome to adulthood!

//The Graduate.

Tick Tock.

Tick tock.. tick tock...

Time keeps passing. I age every second.

Graduation is just a heartbeat away. It is in exactly, EXACTLY one month.

I can't believe it. I haven't been able to reconcile the freshman in me, and the to-be graduate. It is just startling to think that I have been through 4 years of college. All that has happened, all that I have gone through to shape what I am now...

It's been a long trip.

yet somehow, it feels very, very short. Tonight, while taking a walk with someone special, I took a breath... and the air was so filled with nostalgia it brought much joy, with much ... reluctance, to my heart. It reminded me of the way the air smelled when I was a freshman, eager and inexperienced, away from my parents, in this small town of Madison. It is the air that reflected the fall in 2006. Warm but a bit chilly... woodsy and grassy. It's... perfect.

Now seasoned with 4 years of salt and pepper, I have my future before me. I am still waiting for that big change, that big revelation that I have been expecting. I am starting to think that the revelation won't come to me, I have to go to it. I have to mature in such a way that I will gain that revelation. I hope I do before... before I depart Madison.

It's hard to think that after I graduate, that is IT for my undergraduate slacking, chilling days. It is out of the pan and into the fire, fire being the real world. I hope it doesn't hurt.
I am close to the end of my education. Somehow it seems like when you are still schooling, you can be immature (to some extent). But now... it's adulthood, and all the responsibilities and obligations that are tacked along with it. I am truly creating my own life... right from the bottom of the corporate ladder.

Graduate school is different, it is really working and doing what you gotta do... so it is different from what life is now, from what life was before.

I think I need to reconcile this before I graduate; there are different stages in life, and they come and go. Sometimes you just need to look at them and realize, it's time to move on.

I wish to spend my last month of (official) schooling happy, carefree and energetic... like I was a freshman.

P.S. time to stop worrying and fussing about people.

<3 Seasoned Senior

Inspiration*

* I just wanted to take a bit of time out of my day... and blog this as a reminder to myself.

*:: You are always so caught up with the tiny things, like oh man, this girl might not be as close as you think. You keep thinking about this, wasting days on end just fussing and worrying due to your insecurities. The truth is, if they don't care about you at this point, you can't force it no more. It's done, it's set. Just be friends, take what comes. As been mentioned in the past, CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

Yesterday I was looking up on facebook this guy I use to like in elementary school. He was someone I really liked and let go of because of my stupidity and mind games. I was like 12 though. That kid was never really good at school, I was always the top student. He was quiet, I was loud and obnoxious. I was quite a popular kid in elementary school.

We went our separate ways... and I never heard from him again.

Well, we are facebook friends, and I am pretty sure since he is living the good life, he won't be crushing on me and thinking of me. In fact, we don't talk. I'd like to, because its been so long, and I want to know how he is doing. But... it won't happen, the gap between us is too great now.

I look him up, and I see him pursuing his dreams and putting himself out there. He has an album out, he plays music, he joined one of the idol shows... he is endorsing a clothing brand. I mean... it was just a slap to my face, as well as an inspiration. A wake up call, if you must.
People are out there, pursuing their dreams and living their lives, doing what they should.
I dream of living a good life, but I am sitting here, fussing over people who aren't worth it. Or who may not be part of my life in the future. WHY??

*I need to see the big picture*.

Seeing his pictures and just what he is doing, it inspired me to get off my ass and pursue what I want. Want a job in marketing? Stop going out and sit down and apply. Do what you have to. I keep thinking about other people, never really doing what I should. This will be my downfall if I refuse to change... So it has to stop. NOW. I need to learn to compartmentalize my feelings and just block out unnecessary things... I am strong enough to live by myself. So let's do it. And I hope I can get a job. And in a few years... someone will be looking at my pictures and feeling the same slap of inspiration.

*think of him, and let it inspire you to go forward.

Thanks, childhood crush =)

** I made it - Lil Wayne

Spring Break

Spring Break was good. Vegas, LA, and a drop by in Chicago.
Met interesting people... saw great sights... had crazy romp. haha. It was much needed though, to get away, get over, get some. hehe.

Last night, someone basically proposed to me. I gotta say, it was the weirdest. Someone loves me so much to never want to live without me in his life...
But I can't return the sentiment. That is sad...

But can you believe it? Someone proposed to me?-ish.

<3

乱

I hate this feeling of being cluttered. Like everything is on the edge... that is why I like a low profiled life.
It happens when you are attached to someone, because no one will hit on you.
It happens when you have a fixed group of friends that you can count on...

I guess in some way, your life becomes stagnant and kind of unexciting. But you gain security. It's one of life's many trade offs.

Now that I am single... guy life has become complicated. And somehow I have lost that self-control.
Friends? It has its ups and downs... I am not quite sure what to think.

But overall... right now... I am feeling cluttered. I don't need this.. I want to enjoy my last semester here.... Leave a nice legacy of my name!

oh well. Let's just.... surf the waves.

On another note. Double chin is making a comeback. Time to cut back and elliptical my lazy fukin ass.

On YET another note. I need to build my confidence. No more refuting compliments. And to stop, please to stop, caring what people think.

Oh, my face is ground zero for acne due to my insane week.

Sometimes...

Sometimes you just have one of those days...

you feel kind of shitty because you are running low on energy. You could easily spend your whole day feeling bad about yourself and thinking about what is wrong with you. And it could go very, very negative.

So here I am. The org won an award. I should be happy. Everyone is. But somehow I am that kind of miser that doesn't seem to share joy that well... no. In fact, I am thinking about if I contributed to any of the success, or if the president is the only reason why we are this great. Or if... I have capabilities to become even as efficient as her. Somehow... I think I lack leadership skills, which I thought I had. I think what I have is people skills... and that's about it. I need leadership skills. I want it.
I have so much self-doubt... ... how did I become like this? I can't seem to see my achievements that well. Also... 心胸狭窄... what do I do to change it?
I am lazy as well.

I need to change....
- Leadership skills
- Laziness
- Time management

I think that will make me a better person, work-wise. I also need to become more self-assured and confident.
I need to feel comfortable not doing anything...
I need to let be what is, and support and share people's joy instead of being such a miser!

Yes. I am glad I am learning all these things about me though. Now I can watch... observe... learn.

v

sick as a dawg

first kiss... it's been awhile.
like 8 years.

still unforgettable though.. I think that is what counts.


Quiz in 45 min...

lust can make you think it is love, if the connection is right.
but is it love if there lacks lust?

my back hurts like a bitch. i am coughing like a sick dog.
and I have to go to party and ski tomorrow.

smoooches.