心

我觉得我对他真的是卸下了心房
我还想说这次我要对他更好
已经尽量了
我的耐心还有容纳并不够

有些东西使我忍无可忍
为什么别的女生偏偏可以接受我却一点都不可以忍受
我这样子...　会导致每个男生,　就连最诚实诚恳的　说谎吗?

我的心这几天经历了许多挫折和压力
我的心　现在有点闷...
我憋的很不快乐
我的心上有了裂痕
碎碎的痛

卸下了心房...　我觉得我的心裂了点...
我看我可能会开始心淡了

回到保护自己的状态
我应该是可以的
让自己不要为了小事悲伤

我在想...　这样应该不错
所以啊　男人
我在考虑让你不知不觉中
失去我的那份真心
反正你的谎言
已经让我的心冷

这很有可能是心淡的开始.　　

4 Letter Word

Yes. I think I do.

I think i Love him.

And this time, I want to stop protecting myself... I want to let myself go.. shed my walls for this amazing romantic man who makes me grow... and learn... who loves me, who accepts me, who needs me and wants my attention... who craves me... who cuddles me and talks to me... who i can sit on the couch and chat with... laugh... have childish stupid moments... who makes me feel so loved...who for the first time... feel I can trust fully... be it talking, girls, other women... and just his love for me...

I am his first woman and he says I am his everything...

I love this man... this handsome, tall amazing man. He is the type of man I want. Quiet, strong, assuring, a bit clingy and childish, and (learning) to man up and take care of me. He puts in effort to surprise me and make me happy, emails me for no reason, and is not too lazy to call.

He puts me first...

I need to appreciate it and be grateful. I need to cherish him.

And I will. I am going to let myself fall very hard, right into him. I want to go the distance with him.

I hope to be with him... forever and always. It's beautiful.

Expectations

To live in a less tiresome fashion, I think I need to drop all expectations towards friends... and realize that no one owes me anything. That I am not the Queen of the Universe.

I also need to realize that not everyone is the same, and no one is the same as me. Therefore they might think differently, and do differently. And their actions cannot be interpreted my own way.

And I should not, absolutely not, care so much. About the little details of people that don't matter, and of what people say or think about me. Because this is tying me down and bogging me down and holding me down from what I want to do. Or feel. Or achieve.

Because you know, if I am not the Queen of the Universe, who gives a flying fuck about what I am constantly doing or thinking?

I also resolve to take risks with Circle of friends. If you don't bring your good friends together... you can't have a circle of good friends.

豁达

It has come the time when... I am tired of the way I am. It is truly time for a change... to outgrow what I have been living with the past 21 years, through all the morphing, for better or for worse.

This entire summer I have been reflecting and thinking... based mostly off the reaping of my last four years, but also just me.

There are many little epiphanies I have found, many things I can work on. In some sense, this is taking a step back and looking at things with a slightly (albeit very slight) different perspective. And suddenly you are hovering over reality, taking on the bird's eye view -

you see-

you really see -

what you have been feeling deep in your heart... it wasn't a mistake. It was really what you felt. Those people weren't right for you. They are indeed a waste of your time.

I need to take risks.

I need to live with passion and enthusiasm... living life is pretty tiring and you need the energy... the energy comes from enthusiasm for improving yourself, and striving to create a good life everyday.

I need to stop being so hard up over what people think or say.

I recently learned a Chinese word: 豁达

It is one of the best words in any language that I have ever come across. Two characters, so much meaning, and exactly what I need to work towards.

豁达指心胸开阔，性格开朗，能容人容事。豁达是一种大度和宽容，豁达是一种品格和美德，豁达是一种乐观的豪爽，豁达是一种博大的胸怀、洒脱的态度，也是人生中最高的境界之一。

Luo Shan Ji

So. In LA for a getaway.

Much needed, to say the least. I finally feel like I am regaining my sanity. It has been a tough time... and the thing is, I am not even sure why. Maybe it is because I love to be irrational and think/worry about things that i shouldn't or cannot control. It's almost like a hobby.

I am tired of it... tired of myself... in many ways... I just want to be happy and live life content. Instead of chasing what cannot be mine... always seeking to please other people and be part of everyone's lives... WHY? I have been doing that... but I still feel miserable and left out. Or at least, feel like I am on the verge of being left out. It's pathetic really... how I was pining over Kimmy's attention, caring so much about Mandy... they are all the same type of people, the same people I cannot click with but I strive to be their friends. WHY CANT I JUST LET BE WHAT IS?

I am afraid of not having any good friends, real friends. I only have a few, really. Many of my "real" friends have somehow dropped out of my life into an abyss, and I never see them again. The list is long... Daphne, Geoffrey, Livia...
All these people I took to heart, wanted to be exclusive with. All these people that let me down.
Honestly, sometimes I think best friends come from a guy loving you and then becoming a friend after. Because guess what, many of my friends are.
It makes me sad that I need to find friends this way... And it's not like I intentionally attract them so that I can get best friends... I start out genuinely being friends. Why can't I get good friends? Girlfriends? Am I doing something wrong?

I think it may be because I am not easy going enough, so knit-picky until I tire my friends out. Too sensitive and.. too petty, I suppose. I am trying to change. To be easy going-er... and just not get mad at every little thing that crosses me a bit. We'll see how that goes...

Anyway, in LA. Been having a good time thus far. I want to free my mind, let some things sink in, and perhaps FIND A JOB?!... and also to get some peace. And perhaps, through all that, achieve a few wondrous epiphanies.

Wait.. .What?

It just occurred to me... 2010 is going to end soon. I commenced in May, and I thought, wow we are almost halfway through with 2010. Now, it is mid August, and we are more than halfway through with 2010. And summer seemed to have started not too long ago. It is really weird how time passes by so quickly.

2010 is almost done... I want to have accomplished something... mentally or not, by the time I become 22.

OMG. 22 years old. I am ending my 21st year of life. This is pretty big. I am getting old.

A ways to Go

This weekend, with all the stress and exhaustion, TAS and I had a huge row, getting into a huge fight.

I realized that I really do care for him deeply... I suppose that feeling is love. I love the idea of me being in love with him though... it is wonderful.

But I also realized, he has ways to go before being the man I need and want in my life. He has to grow up, become a mature man who can take responsibility and do things properly for himself, to be able to take care of me and also someone who has initiative to sort things out.

Besides all this, I still want him. Yesterday when things finally winded down, we made up. It was really nice, because what we have hasn't changed. And at night, we got back at someone by doing something on that person's bed. hurhurhur.

It was the most amazing experience. So much desire and passion, so much want... but so gentle... so much love that it was almost unsexual. It was soft and sensual, romantic and sweet. Together, we were. A reunion. And it was truly something passionate and loving. I felt it, and I have never felt it before. It was like, being desperate to give everything you have and take everything the other person has, the desire to want the other person to feel everything you have while being really gentle. Kissing every surface that comes close to your lips.... wow.

Mmm... after that tears sprang to my eyes because I really felt it. Beautiful.

Love is a four letter word.