I always imagined that whatever big decision I make, there is some parallel universe whereby the dumber or smarter me is making the other decision I considered. Then I try to imagine what will happen to that other me.
On the 23rd of April, I made a decision to give up going back to Malaysia, but instead, to try it out, to venture out on my own to Hong Kong. Parallel Universe Scenario #1. What I gave up was a pretty comfortable cocoon life albeit slightly dangerous due to bad safety in KL. I had friends there, I had family, it was pretty familiar, and the job I gave up was a stable and good one.
Instead, I decided to come to Hong Kong. Where nothing was set up, where I would be alone, where my closest friends are people I barely talk to. And the job, a stressful one where I will probably always have to feel on-call, on-standby. I think I took this opportunity just because it is so beyond my comfort zone, just because it seemed more adventurous and scary. The truth is, I am scared. As adventurous and risk-taking I want to be, or imagine myself to be, I have realized I am not. Not really at all. I like comfort, and unknown and scary, well, scares me. So now, I am living with my boyfriend (who I also have some internal issues about), and I am waiting for my job to start. Pretty stressed out about it. I wonder how my parallel universe self is doing at the job that already started.
I just don't want to look back with regret and think, damn, I should have taken that less comfortable, more adventurous road. Which I am now on. I am taking it, just because I want to find out what happens. To test myself and see if I can make it on my own. I just have to learn to handle fear, and all that stuff that comes with emotional distress.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
This place is seriously like my emotional dumpster. Thanks.
I feel like I might have lost who I am, a little. Between all that relationship stress and feeling embarrassed about not having a job while everyone works and moves on with their lives, I think I have lost a bit of that spark that possibly made me attractive to people who did end up falling for me.
I think I feel really insecure. And I am fearful of things, and it makes me more picky and controlling.
What.The.Fuck.
HOW do i set myself free and to just live and let live?
I feel like I am in some mental torture all day. You know that feeling where you are procrastinating and you have that nagging feeling at the back of your head because you have to do this thing where you are not? Yes. I have that feeling. Non stop. It's pretty fucking stressful. Draining.
Probably explains why I had a dream last night where I shat myself?! And I couldn't get rid of the poop, I didn't know where and how to. Which, according to dream decoding, means (summed up) that I am changing my old habits/thinking patterns, usually associated with strong emotions like anger/hatred. But the fact that I couldn't get rid of it, it means that I am not willing to let go, unable to let go.
I DONT KNOW HOW. I wish I could be a different person.
I feel like I might have lost who I am, a little. Between all that relationship stress and feeling embarrassed about not having a job while everyone works and moves on with their lives, I think I have lost a bit of that spark that possibly made me attractive to people who did end up falling for me.
I think I feel really insecure. And I am fearful of things, and it makes me more picky and controlling.
What.The.Fuck.
HOW do i set myself free and to just live and let live?
I feel like I am in some mental torture all day. You know that feeling where you are procrastinating and you have that nagging feeling at the back of your head because you have to do this thing where you are not? Yes. I have that feeling. Non stop. It's pretty fucking stressful. Draining.
Probably explains why I had a dream last night where I shat myself?! And I couldn't get rid of the poop, I didn't know where and how to. Which, according to dream decoding, means (summed up) that I am changing my old habits/thinking patterns, usually associated with strong emotions like anger/hatred. But the fact that I couldn't get rid of it, it means that I am not willing to let go, unable to let go.
I DONT KNOW HOW. I wish I could be a different person.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Relationship status
Btw. Just additional note since it comes up, the so called love of my life and I broke up. Who were we kidding? Can't say it was totally amicable. We don't talk. He is trying to be social I think, won't be a problem for him to move on and get a new girl. He has the looks.
I am dating someone else now. It was perfect and magical, but now I feel like I am sinking and it's my own fault.vi can't let go of the past. His. And now I feel all sorts, clingy needy, I need so much love And I feel like there isn't enough love and attention for me. I hate when I fall for someone I hate when I really like someone and I hate when I really need someone. I hate needing someone so much and caring about their every move. It's setting up for stress and anguish.
Trouble in paradise.
I am dating someone else now. It was perfect and magical, but now I feel like I am sinking and it's my own fault.vi can't let go of the past. His. And now I feel all sorts, clingy needy, I need so much love And I feel like there isn't enough love and attention for me. I hate when I fall for someone I hate when I really like someone and I hate when I really need someone. I hate needing someone so much and caring about their every move. It's setting up for stress and anguish.
Trouble in paradise.
2013 CNY
Hello blog,
It's been so long!
I wrote a reflection on a word document instead of here not too long ago because I was feeling sad and cluttered. China and all, hard to go on blogs ya know? Now I am in Malaysia for CNY again, I am back for an entry, for an update. I definitely reflect best alone, listening to music, when its getting dark or late at night. So many thoughts... Maybe that's why I don't sleep well. Haha.
I don't think I have been truly happy for awhile now I realized.
I don't really know how to make myself feel okay and happy again. I feel mentally anguished and stressed a lot. And I don't even have a job. Which incidentally is one of my biggest shame and stresses. I want to live. To really live, and to feel okay. I just want to feel at peace and okay.
I keep having a thought and its that... I feel like it is hard to live... I feel a bit tired just living. Kinda weird I know. It sounds like I need to see a psychiatrist. I feel like I'm in a dark and lost place, and I keep trying to come back out and find some light. When my mind is occupied I am thankful so I don't have to think extra thoughts. Stressful thoughts. When I find something funny, I love it, I wish I could keep that feeling and keep laughing.
I wish my mind could be free.
It's been so long!
I wrote a reflection on a word document instead of here not too long ago because I was feeling sad and cluttered. China and all, hard to go on blogs ya know? Now I am in Malaysia for CNY again, I am back for an entry, for an update. I definitely reflect best alone, listening to music, when its getting dark or late at night. So many thoughts... Maybe that's why I don't sleep well. Haha.
I don't think I have been truly happy for awhile now I realized.
I don't really know how to make myself feel okay and happy again. I feel mentally anguished and stressed a lot. And I don't even have a job. Which incidentally is one of my biggest shame and stresses. I want to live. To really live, and to feel okay. I just want to feel at peace and okay.
I keep having a thought and its that... I feel like it is hard to live... I feel a bit tired just living. Kinda weird I know. It sounds like I need to see a psychiatrist. I feel like I'm in a dark and lost place, and I keep trying to come back out and find some light. When my mind is occupied I am thankful so I don't have to think extra thoughts. Stressful thoughts. When I find something funny, I love it, I wish I could keep that feeling and keep laughing.
I wish my mind could be free.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Quarterlife
Hello,
when was my last post? It's been awhile. I'd almost forgotten about this blog... but I am back. I am tempted to create another blog, just a blog about this summer, perhaps finding my path.
I am lost.
I've been feeling rather negative, and that begets laziness. I'll tell ya, I have discovered many little traits about me, some that I finally managed to figure out, some that I had to face up to. So far, I haven't found many positive ones, but surely there are some positives about who I am?!
I am ambitious, determined, but I lack perseverance and endurance. Especially when I don't see the finish line.
I get discouraged, and can be negative.
I try to be optimistic, but sometimes I forget.
I lack faith.
I need to be more confident, but I am always afraid!
I am afraid to stand out there, out in the open. Unfortunately, that means I am swimming with the current, not against it.
These are a few...
Recently I made the mistake (?) of going on facebook and stalking people I haven't spoken to in forever. I see how they are living their lives. Granted, facebook can usually only give you a facade and a snippet of how people's lives usually are - and who would post emo shit on a social networking site? - but I took a look. I see people establishing things, initiatives, people who are pursuing passion, people who are happy and doing what they want. I see people surrounded by wonder and excitement, by their best friends and just, a lot of joy. And you take one look at my profile picture I put up in the winter where I am still wearing a scarf and cradling a cat, the lack of wallposts and activity... and the fact that I am unemployed, having been laid off by MANGO, a job which I did not enjoy one bit... What do I have to say for myself?
I think people call this the quarterlife crisis. It is whereby people of my age (early-mid twenties, after college) lose their way. They are stuck, they are floundering. Not everyone has it. Heck, some people have this one-track mind to a one-track goal since the age of 7. I ... don't. And I see everyone moving ahead and I am freaking the fuck out. What if I am a wasted investment of my parents? What do I have to show for myself after 23 years?
The positive thing to this mess is, while I get down and discouraged and wallow in my lack of life, I have the motivation and passion to get better. I keep making plans and ideas for myself to improve myself this summer. Hopefully I can keep to them. The brilliant thing is I am currently on a break (laid off and all), so I am going to try to figure out my life or at least broaden my perspective this summer, which really, is a blessing.
And by perspective, I also hope I can finally figure out my relationships. I do not know how to decide what is worth it. Or not.
Here's to trying.
when was my last post? It's been awhile. I'd almost forgotten about this blog... but I am back. I am tempted to create another blog, just a blog about this summer, perhaps finding my path.
I am lost.
I've been feeling rather negative, and that begets laziness. I'll tell ya, I have discovered many little traits about me, some that I finally managed to figure out, some that I had to face up to. So far, I haven't found many positive ones, but surely there are some positives about who I am?!
I am ambitious, determined, but I lack perseverance and endurance. Especially when I don't see the finish line.
I get discouraged, and can be negative.
I try to be optimistic, but sometimes I forget.
I lack faith.
I need to be more confident, but I am always afraid!
I am afraid to stand out there, out in the open. Unfortunately, that means I am swimming with the current, not against it.
These are a few...
Recently I made the mistake (?) of going on facebook and stalking people I haven't spoken to in forever. I see how they are living their lives. Granted, facebook can usually only give you a facade and a snippet of how people's lives usually are - and who would post emo shit on a social networking site? - but I took a look. I see people establishing things, initiatives, people who are pursuing passion, people who are happy and doing what they want. I see people surrounded by wonder and excitement, by their best friends and just, a lot of joy. And you take one look at my profile picture I put up in the winter where I am still wearing a scarf and cradling a cat, the lack of wallposts and activity... and the fact that I am unemployed, having been laid off by MANGO, a job which I did not enjoy one bit... What do I have to say for myself?
I think people call this the quarterlife crisis. It is whereby people of my age (early-mid twenties, after college) lose their way. They are stuck, they are floundering. Not everyone has it. Heck, some people have this one-track mind to a one-track goal since the age of 7. I ... don't. And I see everyone moving ahead and I am freaking the fuck out. What if I am a wasted investment of my parents? What do I have to show for myself after 23 years?
The positive thing to this mess is, while I get down and discouraged and wallow in my lack of life, I have the motivation and passion to get better. I keep making plans and ideas for myself to improve myself this summer. Hopefully I can keep to them. The brilliant thing is I am currently on a break (laid off and all), so I am going to try to figure out my life or at least broaden my perspective this summer, which really, is a blessing.
And by perspective, I also hope I can finally figure out my relationships. I do not know how to decide what is worth it. Or not.
Here's to trying.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Dragon Rawr
Hi Blog,
It's been awhile. It's rather hard to blog when China does not allow, and I have been too cheap to get VPN. Funny how I managed to live this long without all that I was used to. ha...
So, the love of my life. We made it past the one year mark of long distance, albeit rough, with many ups and downs. The two year mark of our relationship is coming up. This love is consuming, intoxicating, passionate. It's pretty damn great when we are together.. I am desperate to be with him again, to just be able to live and enjoy with him. When can I? I really hope we can be together, and things work out. Let life get on track(s) and for us to be together.
Besides that, I really would like more options for jobs.
Other than that, as long as family is healthy and happy and I have some people to hang out with and play with, I am happy. Content.
I'm Back :)
It's been awhile. It's rather hard to blog when China does not allow, and I have been too cheap to get VPN. Funny how I managed to live this long without all that I was used to. ha...
So, the love of my life. We made it past the one year mark of long distance, albeit rough, with many ups and downs. The two year mark of our relationship is coming up. This love is consuming, intoxicating, passionate. It's pretty damn great when we are together.. I am desperate to be with him again, to just be able to live and enjoy with him. When can I? I really hope we can be together, and things work out. Let life get on track(s) and for us to be together.
Besides that, I really would like more options for jobs.
Other than that, as long as family is healthy and happy and I have some people to hang out with and play with, I am happy. Content.
I'm Back :)
Friday, August 26, 2011
Possession
I love you... I really think I do. Your smile makes me happy and your anger scares me. You saying you love me and your expression of love throws me over the moon, but your neglect and absent mindedness towards me plunges me into darkness.
With you, all those cheesy love songs suddenly strike a chord, and I actually get what they mean. Really heartfelt love songs make me tear up. It is because I have become a damn yo-yo because of you. I have never felt like this before, and at the cross-road long time ago when I freaked out and could have chosen to not all to protect myself (as I typically choose), I chose not to. And how I have fallen.
We have so many ups and downs... but I can never leave. I don't know what makes you hang on, but I hope with all my might that it is because you are very in love with me.
A conversation with my brother has brought things a little into focus... Do I just want to possess you? Can't I love you from where I am? I know I am possessive, I really am. I just need you, want you, all of you. I don't want anyone to enjoy you and to have you. If you dated and gave yourself, physically or mentally, to anyone else, I really might breakdown, especially since I am so attached. But perhaps... it's making this hard.
Our relationship is unrealistic. We are both on the shaky ground, we both have to focus on ourselves and our career. We have to spend so much time and effort on each other... so much energy... but we won't be together in the near future. Is it really worth it to hold on, to desperately try to make it work? Or should we let go... and do what we have to do instead of hurting ourselves and our futures... perhaps, move on even... hoping for a brighter day?
Thinking about me screwing up your future makes me feel terrible. But I can't let go. Is it because of love, or the possessiveness?
I am starting to think that perhaps people are right... we have to face life, face reality and protect ourselves... that great love, true love, mighty love, may not be always and forever. It might not be what we can end up with... it might be the first heartbreak. Love is not enough for us to life off of and we just have to be realistic. Maybe we should let go, and if we come back together... then that's meant to be.
I fear though, that you would have changed, to be a man I don't recognize and love anymore. And that you might not love me anymore. That by then, you would have had other women. I know this is possessiveness speaking very loudly here. It's not the only reason why I don't want to let go, but it is a reason. I want you to love me... not others.. I don't want you to enjoy intimacy with other women, I want to be the one to provide that.
Can we make this work... or should I start thinking this and drilling it into my head.. so we reach the end of our relationship?
My Dearest, what do we do now?
With you, all those cheesy love songs suddenly strike a chord, and I actually get what they mean. Really heartfelt love songs make me tear up. It is because I have become a damn yo-yo because of you. I have never felt like this before, and at the cross-road long time ago when I freaked out and could have chosen to not all to protect myself (as I typically choose), I chose not to. And how I have fallen.
We have so many ups and downs... but I can never leave. I don't know what makes you hang on, but I hope with all my might that it is because you are very in love with me.
A conversation with my brother has brought things a little into focus... Do I just want to possess you? Can't I love you from where I am? I know I am possessive, I really am. I just need you, want you, all of you. I don't want anyone to enjoy you and to have you. If you dated and gave yourself, physically or mentally, to anyone else, I really might breakdown, especially since I am so attached. But perhaps... it's making this hard.
Our relationship is unrealistic. We are both on the shaky ground, we both have to focus on ourselves and our career. We have to spend so much time and effort on each other... so much energy... but we won't be together in the near future. Is it really worth it to hold on, to desperately try to make it work? Or should we let go... and do what we have to do instead of hurting ourselves and our futures... perhaps, move on even... hoping for a brighter day?
Thinking about me screwing up your future makes me feel terrible. But I can't let go. Is it because of love, or the possessiveness?
I am starting to think that perhaps people are right... we have to face life, face reality and protect ourselves... that great love, true love, mighty love, may not be always and forever. It might not be what we can end up with... it might be the first heartbreak. Love is not enough for us to life off of and we just have to be realistic. Maybe we should let go, and if we come back together... then that's meant to be.
I fear though, that you would have changed, to be a man I don't recognize and love anymore. And that you might not love me anymore. That by then, you would have had other women. I know this is possessiveness speaking very loudly here. It's not the only reason why I don't want to let go, but it is a reason. I want you to love me... not others.. I don't want you to enjoy intimacy with other women, I want to be the one to provide that.
Can we make this work... or should I start thinking this and drilling it into my head.. so we reach the end of our relationship?
My Dearest, what do we do now?
Hmmm. Been thinking....
Maybe the cause of so many failed relationships is not only because the youth of today are just fickle-minded...
long distance relationships are terribly hard, and with today's increasing globalization... people just can't stay together always anymore.
Maybe the reason why people break up is because they are realistic; it isn't because they can't keep their hands to themselves, it is because they don't cling onto that dream of rainbows and butterflies.
so therefore...
the reason for so many failed long distance relationships is because of globalization. And how realistic people are.
long distance relationships are terribly hard, and with today's increasing globalization... people just can't stay together always anymore.
Maybe the reason why people break up is because they are realistic; it isn't because they can't keep their hands to themselves, it is because they don't cling onto that dream of rainbows and butterflies.
so therefore...
the reason for so many failed long distance relationships is because of globalization. And how realistic people are.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
By the by...
I have missed you.
just out of curiosity.... would it be really bad if I kissed another guy? Just so I can withdraw myself from this failing relationship?
just out of curiosity.... would it be really bad if I kissed another guy? Just so I can withdraw myself from this failing relationship?
Hello Once More
Hello Blog,
Hello once again. I am back. You are the place I turn to... and it is interesting because it puts all my emotions on a time line... and looking back, I see how things have changed. The question is, How, and Why?
Let's bring you up to date. Let's bring you into a snapshot of my current life.
After 4.5 years, I have moved back to Shanghai.
After 22 years, I have gotten my first real job.
After 22 years, 4 (official) relationships, I am on my 5th.
This 5th relationship has broken more pieces of my heart and put me through more emotions and grief than any other relationship before.
This 5th relationship means the most to me... and after 22 years, I can conclude I have really fallen in love. HARD. for a person who is now "sick and tired" of me, and who can't "deal" with my anymore.
I currently hate my life.
That is my situation. Oh, did I mention, i hate my job? It is demanding and I try and try to look on the bright side, but overall, to no avail. I sometimes think there is parts of it I like, but overall, I hate my job. It is beyond demanding, esp for a first job, they work you to the ground with no appropriate compensation. I don't know how Chinese people worse off handle life.
Oh, my relationship drama severely affects my feelings, mood, mentality, my HEALTH, my physical being. Which in turn affects my job, so I can barely think at work, let alone do my job. But I paint on this facade that I am cheery and happy even when I am sad, because let's face it, no one at work gives a flying fuck about your personal life and how crumbly it is. It is... one of the most draining social activities I have ever come across in my life.
I am deeply dissatisfied with how I am thinking, how I am acting in this relationship, yet I can't breakthrough. I don't know how to open up and accept. I don't know how. It's really hard for me.
What I truly need, What I truly want, is a break. I want to leave this job... take a break to figure myself out, my next step, and fall back into it. I came back to Shanghai and was thrown into the job a few days later. BIG MISTAKE. Never do that again, we all need some time to readjust back. Ever since I have been back I haven't had time to readjust back. It adds to the mental stress.
I really want to spend time with him and figure things out; I want to be back in the US where I could see him and touch him and be with him. It was so much easier. Long distance relationships are terribly hard, esp when you have trust problems and when you are controlling and paranoid. It is a LETHAL combination. Exactly what I have here, hence the failing relationship. I just want some time with him.. to decide if this is really what we can fight for, or if....有缘无分.
A question I have come up recently is.... Why am I so in love with this man? Why? What is so good about him? I really need to think about this.
I think a big reason can be cropped to the fact that he is "innocent" but recently I have been struck that.. it might not be true. And it is driving me insane, just INSANE.
After I quit, I really want to take a holiday... to just recollect. My dad wants me to move to Singapore... I don't know why, but it doesn't seem like a terrible idea besides their accents and the heat.
Dear Blog, I am lost. Very lost. I have no idea what I want to do and how to get there, and if I can handle the workload at all, if I should stay with this man or if all men I will find from now on will be perverts who think with their dicks, if I should stay at this job and stick it out, if I will end up liking it eventually, if I should stay in Shanghai or move to Singapore, if... what if....
At 22 years, I can conclude I have never felt more puzzled about my life. And I miss college. Back then I just worried about exams and grades and friendship, if Kimmy wanted to be my friend or fucking not. Which doesn't even matter because I don't want her as a friend anyway.
I'm going crazy... I really need a break. I really need to recollect and step back and just.... relax a bit.
Please, please, please. Save me somehow.
Hello once again. I am back. You are the place I turn to... and it is interesting because it puts all my emotions on a time line... and looking back, I see how things have changed. The question is, How, and Why?
Let's bring you up to date. Let's bring you into a snapshot of my current life.
After 4.5 years, I have moved back to Shanghai.
After 22 years, I have gotten my first real job.
After 22 years, 4 (official) relationships, I am on my 5th.
This 5th relationship has broken more pieces of my heart and put me through more emotions and grief than any other relationship before.
This 5th relationship means the most to me... and after 22 years, I can conclude I have really fallen in love. HARD. for a person who is now "sick and tired" of me, and who can't "deal" with my anymore.
I currently hate my life.
That is my situation. Oh, did I mention, i hate my job? It is demanding and I try and try to look on the bright side, but overall, to no avail. I sometimes think there is parts of it I like, but overall, I hate my job. It is beyond demanding, esp for a first job, they work you to the ground with no appropriate compensation. I don't know how Chinese people worse off handle life.
Oh, my relationship drama severely affects my feelings, mood, mentality, my HEALTH, my physical being. Which in turn affects my job, so I can barely think at work, let alone do my job. But I paint on this facade that I am cheery and happy even when I am sad, because let's face it, no one at work gives a flying fuck about your personal life and how crumbly it is. It is... one of the most draining social activities I have ever come across in my life.
I am deeply dissatisfied with how I am thinking, how I am acting in this relationship, yet I can't breakthrough. I don't know how to open up and accept. I don't know how. It's really hard for me.
What I truly need, What I truly want, is a break. I want to leave this job... take a break to figure myself out, my next step, and fall back into it. I came back to Shanghai and was thrown into the job a few days later. BIG MISTAKE. Never do that again, we all need some time to readjust back. Ever since I have been back I haven't had time to readjust back. It adds to the mental stress.
I really want to spend time with him and figure things out; I want to be back in the US where I could see him and touch him and be with him. It was so much easier. Long distance relationships are terribly hard, esp when you have trust problems and when you are controlling and paranoid. It is a LETHAL combination. Exactly what I have here, hence the failing relationship. I just want some time with him.. to decide if this is really what we can fight for, or if....有缘无分.
A question I have come up recently is.... Why am I so in love with this man? Why? What is so good about him? I really need to think about this.
I think a big reason can be cropped to the fact that he is "innocent" but recently I have been struck that.. it might not be true. And it is driving me insane, just INSANE.
After I quit, I really want to take a holiday... to just recollect. My dad wants me to move to Singapore... I don't know why, but it doesn't seem like a terrible idea besides their accents and the heat.
Dear Blog, I am lost. Very lost. I have no idea what I want to do and how to get there, and if I can handle the workload at all, if I should stay with this man or if all men I will find from now on will be perverts who think with their dicks, if I should stay at this job and stick it out, if I will end up liking it eventually, if I should stay in Shanghai or move to Singapore, if... what if....
At 22 years, I can conclude I have never felt more puzzled about my life. And I miss college. Back then I just worried about exams and grades and friendship, if Kimmy wanted to be my friend or fucking not. Which doesn't even matter because I don't want her as a friend anyway.
I'm going crazy... I really need a break. I really need to recollect and step back and just.... relax a bit.
Please, please, please. Save me somehow.
Friday, March 18, 2011
March. 3 Months since.
我的心里好难受。。。
to love someone and not feel it being reciprocated, it really sucks. Especially when you thought that person did and it was amazing...
To have, then for the person to assure you and blind you into believing its real... then to be wrenched out of it because of the blatant obviousness of the person's actions...
it really really hurts.
You have to realize what you had wasn't real. And that now, that person no longer gives a shit. And now, your love is not reciprocated. And you need to climb out and move on.
It hurts... and I feel so frustrated, angry, disappointed and just plain SAD.
I feel so sad.
to love someone and not feel it being reciprocated, it really sucks. Especially when you thought that person did and it was amazing...
To have, then for the person to assure you and blind you into believing its real... then to be wrenched out of it because of the blatant obviousness of the person's actions...
it really really hurts.
You have to realize what you had wasn't real. And that now, that person no longer gives a shit. And now, your love is not reciprocated. And you need to climb out and move on.
It hurts... and I feel so frustrated, angry, disappointed and just plain SAD.
I feel so sad.
Monday, December 6, 2010
心
我觉得我对他真的是卸下了心房
我还想说这次我要对他更好
已经尽量了
我的耐心还有容纳并不够
有些东西使我忍无可忍
为什么别的女生偏偏可以接受我却一点都不可以忍受
我这样子... 会导致每个男生, 就连最诚实诚恳的 说谎吗?
我的心这几天经历了许多挫折和压力
我的心 现在有点闷...
我憋的很不快乐
我的心上有了裂痕
碎碎的痛
卸下了心房... 我觉得我的心裂了点...
我看我可能会开始心淡了
回到保护自己的状态
我应该是可以的
让自己不要为了小事悲伤
我在想... 这样应该不错
所以啊 男人
我在考虑让你不知不觉中
失去我的那份真心
反正你的谎言
已经让我的心冷
这很有可能是心淡的开始.
我还想说这次我要对他更好
已经尽量了
我的耐心还有容纳并不够
有些东西使我忍无可忍
为什么别的女生偏偏可以接受我却一点都不可以忍受
我这样子... 会导致每个男生, 就连最诚实诚恳的 说谎吗?
我的心这几天经历了许多挫折和压力
我的心 现在有点闷...
我憋的很不快乐
我的心上有了裂痕
碎碎的痛
卸下了心房... 我觉得我的心裂了点...
我看我可能会开始心淡了
回到保护自己的状态
我应该是可以的
让自己不要为了小事悲伤
我在想... 这样应该不错
所以啊 男人
我在考虑让你不知不觉中
失去我的那份真心
反正你的谎言
已经让我的心冷
这很有可能是心淡的开始.
Monday, October 4, 2010
4 Letter Word
Yes. I think I do.
I think i Love him.
And this time, I want to stop protecting myself... I want to let myself go.. shed my walls for this amazing romantic man who makes me grow... and learn... who loves me, who accepts me, who needs me and wants my attention... who craves me... who cuddles me and talks to me... who i can sit on the couch and chat with... laugh... have childish stupid moments... who makes me feel so loved...who for the first time... feel I can trust fully... be it talking, girls, other women... and just his love for me...
I am his first woman and he says I am his everything...
I love this man... this handsome, tall amazing man. He is the type of man I want. Quiet, strong, assuring, a bit clingy and childish, and (learning) to man up and take care of me. He puts in effort to surprise me and make me happy, emails me for no reason, and is not too lazy to call.
He puts me first...
I need to appreciate it and be grateful. I need to cherish him.
And I will. I am going to let myself fall very hard, right into him. I want to go the distance with him.
I hope to be with him... forever and always. It's beautiful.
I think i Love him.
And this time, I want to stop protecting myself... I want to let myself go.. shed my walls for this amazing romantic man who makes me grow... and learn... who loves me, who accepts me, who needs me and wants my attention... who craves me... who cuddles me and talks to me... who i can sit on the couch and chat with... laugh... have childish stupid moments... who makes me feel so loved...who for the first time... feel I can trust fully... be it talking, girls, other women... and just his love for me...
I am his first woman and he says I am his everything...
I love this man... this handsome, tall amazing man. He is the type of man I want. Quiet, strong, assuring, a bit clingy and childish, and (learning) to man up and take care of me. He puts in effort to surprise me and make me happy, emails me for no reason, and is not too lazy to call.
He puts me first...
I need to appreciate it and be grateful. I need to cherish him.
And I will. I am going to let myself fall very hard, right into him. I want to go the distance with him.
I hope to be with him... forever and always. It's beautiful.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Expectations
To live in a less tiresome fashion, I think I need to drop all expectations towards friends... and realize that no one owes me anything. That I am not the Queen of the Universe.
I also need to realize that not everyone is the same, and no one is the same as me. Therefore they might think differently, and do differently. And their actions cannot be interpreted my own way.
And I should not, absolutely not, care so much. About the little details of people that don't matter, and of what people say or think about me. Because this is tying me down and bogging me down and holding me down from what I want to do. Or feel. Or achieve.
Because you know, if I am not the Queen of the Universe, who gives a flying fuck about what I am constantly doing or thinking?
I also resolve to take risks with Circle of friends. If you don't bring your good friends together... you can't have a circle of good friends.
I also need to realize that not everyone is the same, and no one is the same as me. Therefore they might think differently, and do differently. And their actions cannot be interpreted my own way.
And I should not, absolutely not, care so much. About the little details of people that don't matter, and of what people say or think about me. Because this is tying me down and bogging me down and holding me down from what I want to do. Or feel. Or achieve.
Because you know, if I am not the Queen of the Universe, who gives a flying fuck about what I am constantly doing or thinking?
I also resolve to take risks with Circle of friends. If you don't bring your good friends together... you can't have a circle of good friends.
豁达
It has come the time when... I am tired of the way I am. It is truly time for a change... to outgrow what I have been living with the past 21 years, through all the morphing, for better or for worse.
This entire summer I have been reflecting and thinking... based mostly off the reaping of my last four years, but also just me.
There are many little epiphanies I have found, many things I can work on. In some sense, this is taking a step back and looking at things with a slightly (albeit very slight) different perspective. And suddenly you are hovering over reality, taking on the bird's eye view -
you see-
you really see -
what you have been feeling deep in your heart... it wasn't a mistake. It was really what you felt. Those people weren't right for you. They are indeed a waste of your time.
I need to take risks.
I need to live with passion and enthusiasm... living life is pretty tiring and you need the energy... the energy comes from enthusiasm for improving yourself, and striving to create a good life everyday.
I need to stop being so hard up over what people think or say.
I recently learned a Chinese word: 豁达
It is one of the best words in any language that I have ever come across. Two characters, so much meaning, and exactly what I need to work towards.
豁达指心胸开阔，性格开朗，能容人容事。豁达是一种大度和宽容，豁达是一种品格和美德，豁达是一种乐观的豪爽，豁达是一种博大的胸怀、洒脱的态度，也是人生中最高的境界之一。
This entire summer I have been reflecting and thinking... based mostly off the reaping of my last four years, but also just me.
There are many little epiphanies I have found, many things I can work on. In some sense, this is taking a step back and looking at things with a slightly (albeit very slight) different perspective. And suddenly you are hovering over reality, taking on the bird's eye view -
you see-
you really see -
what you have been feeling deep in your heart... it wasn't a mistake. It was really what you felt. Those people weren't right for you. They are indeed a waste of your time.
I need to take risks.
I need to live with passion and enthusiasm... living life is pretty tiring and you need the energy... the energy comes from enthusiasm for improving yourself, and striving to create a good life everyday.
I need to stop being so hard up over what people think or say.
I recently learned a Chinese word: 豁达
It is one of the best words in any language that I have ever come across. Two characters, so much meaning, and exactly what I need to work towards.
豁达指心胸开阔，性格开朗，能容人容事。豁达是一种大度和宽容，豁达是一种品格和美德，豁达是一种乐观的豪爽，豁达是一种博大的胸怀、洒脱的态度，也是人生中最高的境界之一。
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Luo Shan Ji
So. In LA for a getaway.
Much needed, to say the least. I finally feel like I am regaining my sanity. It has been a tough time... and the thing is, I am not even sure why. Maybe it is because I love to be irrational and think/worry about things that i shouldn't or cannot control. It's almost like a hobby.
I am tired of it... tired of myself... in many ways... I just want to be happy and live life content. Instead of chasing what cannot be mine... always seeking to please other people and be part of everyone's lives... WHY? I have been doing that... but I still feel miserable and left out. Or at least, feel like I am on the verge of being left out. It's pathetic really... how I was pining over Kimmy's attention, caring so much about Mandy... they are all the same type of people, the same people I cannot click with but I strive to be their friends. WHY CANT I JUST LET BE WHAT IS?
I am afraid of not having any good friends, real friends. I only have a few, really. Many of my "real" friends have somehow dropped out of my life into an abyss, and I never see them again. The list is long... Daphne, Geoffrey, Livia...
All these people I took to heart, wanted to be exclusive with. All these people that let me down.
Honestly, sometimes I think best friends come from a guy loving you and then becoming a friend after. Because guess what, many of my friends are.
It makes me sad that I need to find friends this way... And it's not like I intentionally attract them so that I can get best friends... I start out genuinely being friends. Why can't I get good friends? Girlfriends? Am I doing something wrong?
I think it may be because I am not easy going enough, so knit-picky until I tire my friends out. Too sensitive and.. too petty, I suppose. I am trying to change. To be easy going-er... and just not get mad at every little thing that crosses me a bit. We'll see how that goes...
Anyway, in LA. Been having a good time thus far. I want to free my mind, let some things sink in, and perhaps FIND A JOB?!... and also to get some peace. And perhaps, through all that, achieve a few wondrous epiphanies.
Much needed, to say the least. I finally feel like I am regaining my sanity. It has been a tough time... and the thing is, I am not even sure why. Maybe it is because I love to be irrational and think/worry about things that i shouldn't or cannot control. It's almost like a hobby.
I am tired of it... tired of myself... in many ways... I just want to be happy and live life content. Instead of chasing what cannot be mine... always seeking to please other people and be part of everyone's lives... WHY? I have been doing that... but I still feel miserable and left out. Or at least, feel like I am on the verge of being left out. It's pathetic really... how I was pining over Kimmy's attention, caring so much about Mandy... they are all the same type of people, the same people I cannot click with but I strive to be their friends. WHY CANT I JUST LET BE WHAT IS?
I am afraid of not having any good friends, real friends. I only have a few, really. Many of my "real" friends have somehow dropped out of my life into an abyss, and I never see them again. The list is long... Daphne, Geoffrey, Livia...
All these people I took to heart, wanted to be exclusive with. All these people that let me down.
Honestly, sometimes I think best friends come from a guy loving you and then becoming a friend after. Because guess what, many of my friends are.
It makes me sad that I need to find friends this way... And it's not like I intentionally attract them so that I can get best friends... I start out genuinely being friends. Why can't I get good friends? Girlfriends? Am I doing something wrong?
I think it may be because I am not easy going enough, so knit-picky until I tire my friends out. Too sensitive and.. too petty, I suppose. I am trying to change. To be easy going-er... and just not get mad at every little thing that crosses me a bit. We'll see how that goes...
Anyway, in LA. Been having a good time thus far. I want to free my mind, let some things sink in, and perhaps FIND A JOB?!... and also to get some peace. And perhaps, through all that, achieve a few wondrous epiphanies.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Wait.. .What?
It just occurred to me... 2010 is going to end soon. I commenced in May, and I thought, wow we are almost halfway through with 2010. Now, it is mid August, and we are more than halfway through with 2010. And summer seemed to have started not too long ago. It is really weird how time passes by so quickly.
2010 is almost done... I want to have accomplished something... mentally or not, by the time I become 22.
OMG. 22 years old. I am ending my 21st year of life. This is pretty big. I am getting old.
2010 is almost done... I want to have accomplished something... mentally or not, by the time I become 22.
OMG. 22 years old. I am ending my 21st year of life. This is pretty big. I am getting old.
A ways to Go
This weekend, with all the stress and exhaustion, TAS and I had a huge row, getting into a huge fight.
I realized that I really do care for him deeply... I suppose that feeling is love. I love the idea of me being in love with him though... it is wonderful.
But I also realized, he has ways to go before being the man I need and want in my life. He has to grow up, become a mature man who can take responsibility and do things properly for himself, to be able to take care of me and also someone who has initiative to sort things out.
Besides all this, I still want him. Yesterday when things finally winded down, we made up. It was really nice, because what we have hasn't changed. And at night, we got back at someone by doing something on that person's bed. hurhurhur.
It was the most amazing experience. So much desire and passion, so much want... but so gentle... so much love that it was almost unsexual. It was soft and sensual, romantic and sweet. Together, we were. A reunion. And it was truly something passionate and loving. I felt it, and I have never felt it before. It was like, being desperate to give everything you have and take everything the other person has, the desire to want the other person to feel everything you have while being really gentle. Kissing every surface that comes close to your lips.... wow.
Mmm... after that tears sprang to my eyes because I really felt it. Beautiful.
Love is a four letter word.
I realized that I really do care for him deeply... I suppose that feeling is love. I love the idea of me being in love with him though... it is wonderful.
But I also realized, he has ways to go before being the man I need and want in my life. He has to grow up, become a mature man who can take responsibility and do things properly for himself, to be able to take care of me and also someone who has initiative to sort things out.
Besides all this, I still want him. Yesterday when things finally winded down, we made up. It was really nice, because what we have hasn't changed. And at night, we got back at someone by doing something on that person's bed. hurhurhur.
It was the most amazing experience. So much desire and passion, so much want... but so gentle... so much love that it was almost unsexual. It was soft and sensual, romantic and sweet. Together, we were. A reunion. And it was truly something passionate and loving. I felt it, and I have never felt it before. It was like, being desperate to give everything you have and take everything the other person has, the desire to want the other person to feel everything you have while being really gentle. Kissing every surface that comes close to your lips.... wow.
Mmm... after that tears sprang to my eyes because I really felt it. Beautiful.
Love is a four letter word.
Officially
I am officially...
1) graduated
2) homeless
3) unemployed
4) almost friendless
5) in awe of nature
Let's elaborate on my past weekend shall we? The weekend of 8/14 - 8/16.
1) I officially graduated on 8/8. That was the last official day of summer school, even though my class really ended 4 days before. I ended college on a good note; I got the highest final exam score in my class, and my professor really liked me. He might be a good one to ask for a recommendation from. So I am now an alumni; gotta say, it is a weird feeling to be really completely out of school. No september "school starts now" dates. No winter "break". No summer "vacation". This is what is like to be done... to be thrown into unemployment, to say the least! Done with college. Yet somehow, I have not discarded my childish mentalities when it comes to some things, such as friends, social life and what not. This is a really hard battle to fight... and I am struggling to overcome my immature mentality.
2) Yes. I am homeless. 8/14 was when I moved out of 430 West Johnson Street, my beloved apartment for 2 years. Packing was hectic, moving out was even MORE hectic. It was a nightmare weekend, to say the least. I was exhausted, sick, and overwhelmingly busy and stressed. Now, I will bum around at people's houses while I try to figure out my next step. To stay in Madison, or not to stay? To move to San Francisco or not to move? Ah, these are the questions. I hate being homeless, my home was my sanctuary, no matter how dirty or messy it was. Now I feel uprooted.
3) Unemployed. 'nuff said.
4) The last of my Hk bunch friends moved out of madison. Geoff went back to HK, Natalie moved to Chicago. Now I am waiting for Diana to get back... then she'd be my only friend. The plus side is, I can prob work on my friendship with her, maybe get something substantial from that. Malaysians all left... just a few left that I can probably work on. Besides all this, I feel really friendless. It almost makes me question, who were my friends? I mean people left, but I was alright. Now, though, I feel like I have literally no friends. Just a whole bunch of acquaintances I barely want to hang out with. Makes me sad.
5) On the night of 8/14, I was homeless with TAS. My friend, whose place I was going to bum at, he invited us to go to Devil's Lake with him and his friends, in particular, this one guy whose grandparents have a cottage up there, by a lake. We were hesitant at first, but we went eventually. Turned out to be one of the best decisions ever. That day, I conquered my fear of heights; I climbed a bluff. Lemme tell you, that was a pretty high bluff and I was up there climbing away clammering for rocks and boulders to hang on to. One slip, I would have fallen and shattered my poor little skull on a massive rock. I did it... barefoot... and when I reached the top of the bluff, the view was breathtaking, simply gorgeous. When we were finally coming down from the bluff, I looked at the view of the lake... the moon was reflected onto the surface of the water. It was really something beautiful. It made me miss the times when I went hiking... camping... just nature activities. We are too caught up in city life to even think about nature... And you know what, I finally understood the proper life of the Midwest, or anywhere "hick". It's the beauty of nature and all these outdoor activities that you can fully indulge in... it is a gift to the place that no man can ever synthesize. It felt really amazing to be outdoors, to feel the humid hair hit my face and run through my hair...
That night was even more amazing. Mike's grandparents have a lovely cottage, right next to a lake. Their backyard is grass and a lake. That's not the most amazing part. I already thought my day was amazing... until night fell and I looked up... to a billion stars. The number of glowing sparkles in the sky really, truly, blew my mind. The sky was shimmering... and that night, I saw the milky way for the first time. The Nebula. Oh god... It was just incredibly beautiful. It is certainly an image I wish to preserve in my head for the rest of my life. I just felt so happy, so joyful, so at peace and filled with appreciation for the world. All of us jumped off the dock, and into warm lake water. It was amazing. There were clams at the bottom of the lake too! Soft sand at the bottom of the lake... We swam and floated on our backs. I remember doing that and looking up to shimmers in the dark sky...
It was really astounding. It felt so wonderful.
Seeing the big sky with all its glorious lights made me feel really small. We are simply small specks in this lake, and this lake is a small part of the state, which is one of 50 in the United States, which is one of the numerous countries on this planet, which is one of the many planets in the solar system, which is one of the many in the galaxy, which is one of the many in the universe.
If you think about it, we are comparable to little ants in a big farm.
Why are we always so caught up with our lives? Sometimes all we need is a little nature to put things in perspective.
I have never done or seen something like that in my life. Not even year 12 in Thailand could compare to that. It was the most amazing thing ever. To be honest, it completely made my summer. Totally worth it... I felt so rejuvenated after.
I just wanted to put that memory down somewhere so that it can officially be something to remember.
-----
1) graduated
2) homeless
3) unemployed
4) almost friendless
5) in awe of nature
Let's elaborate on my past weekend shall we? The weekend of 8/14 - 8/16.
1) I officially graduated on 8/8. That was the last official day of summer school, even though my class really ended 4 days before. I ended college on a good note; I got the highest final exam score in my class, and my professor really liked me. He might be a good one to ask for a recommendation from. So I am now an alumni; gotta say, it is a weird feeling to be really completely out of school. No september "school starts now" dates. No winter "break". No summer "vacation". This is what is like to be done... to be thrown into unemployment, to say the least! Done with college. Yet somehow, I have not discarded my childish mentalities when it comes to some things, such as friends, social life and what not. This is a really hard battle to fight... and I am struggling to overcome my immature mentality.
2) Yes. I am homeless. 8/14 was when I moved out of 430 West Johnson Street, my beloved apartment for 2 years. Packing was hectic, moving out was even MORE hectic. It was a nightmare weekend, to say the least. I was exhausted, sick, and overwhelmingly busy and stressed. Now, I will bum around at people's houses while I try to figure out my next step. To stay in Madison, or not to stay? To move to San Francisco or not to move? Ah, these are the questions. I hate being homeless, my home was my sanctuary, no matter how dirty or messy it was. Now I feel uprooted.
3) Unemployed. 'nuff said.
4) The last of my Hk bunch friends moved out of madison. Geoff went back to HK, Natalie moved to Chicago. Now I am waiting for Diana to get back... then she'd be my only friend. The plus side is, I can prob work on my friendship with her, maybe get something substantial from that. Malaysians all left... just a few left that I can probably work on. Besides all this, I feel really friendless. It almost makes me question, who were my friends? I mean people left, but I was alright. Now, though, I feel like I have literally no friends. Just a whole bunch of acquaintances I barely want to hang out with. Makes me sad.
5) On the night of 8/14, I was homeless with TAS. My friend, whose place I was going to bum at, he invited us to go to Devil's Lake with him and his friends, in particular, this one guy whose grandparents have a cottage up there, by a lake. We were hesitant at first, but we went eventually. Turned out to be one of the best decisions ever. That day, I conquered my fear of heights; I climbed a bluff. Lemme tell you, that was a pretty high bluff and I was up there climbing away clammering for rocks and boulders to hang on to. One slip, I would have fallen and shattered my poor little skull on a massive rock. I did it... barefoot... and when I reached the top of the bluff, the view was breathtaking, simply gorgeous. When we were finally coming down from the bluff, I looked at the view of the lake... the moon was reflected onto the surface of the water. It was really something beautiful. It made me miss the times when I went hiking... camping... just nature activities. We are too caught up in city life to even think about nature... And you know what, I finally understood the proper life of the Midwest, or anywhere "hick". It's the beauty of nature and all these outdoor activities that you can fully indulge in... it is a gift to the place that no man can ever synthesize. It felt really amazing to be outdoors, to feel the humid hair hit my face and run through my hair...
That night was even more amazing. Mike's grandparents have a lovely cottage, right next to a lake. Their backyard is grass and a lake. That's not the most amazing part. I already thought my day was amazing... until night fell and I looked up... to a billion stars. The number of glowing sparkles in the sky really, truly, blew my mind. The sky was shimmering... and that night, I saw the milky way for the first time. The Nebula. Oh god... It was just incredibly beautiful. It is certainly an image I wish to preserve in my head for the rest of my life. I just felt so happy, so joyful, so at peace and filled with appreciation for the world. All of us jumped off the dock, and into warm lake water. It was amazing. There were clams at the bottom of the lake too! Soft sand at the bottom of the lake... We swam and floated on our backs. I remember doing that and looking up to shimmers in the dark sky...
It was really astounding. It felt so wonderful.
Seeing the big sky with all its glorious lights made me feel really small. We are simply small specks in this lake, and this lake is a small part of the state, which is one of 50 in the United States, which is one of the numerous countries on this planet, which is one of the many planets in the solar system, which is one of the many in the galaxy, which is one of the many in the universe.
If you think about it, we are comparable to little ants in a big farm.
Why are we always so caught up with our lives? Sometimes all we need is a little nature to put things in perspective.
I have never done or seen something like that in my life. Not even year 12 in Thailand could compare to that. It was the most amazing thing ever. To be honest, it completely made my summer. Totally worth it... I felt so rejuvenated after.
I just wanted to put that memory down somewhere so that it can officially be something to remember.
-----
Friday, July 16, 2010
Twenties Pre-Mid-Life Crisis
It seems apparent to me that when people hit the twenties mark, or the sophomore year-ish time of college, people experience what I'd like to label a pre-mid-life crisis.
The cross roads in the life, the pitchfork, even, where one is at total loss at what to pursue, and how to determine the rest of his/her life's career... and the ambiguity that there is a probability that he/she might end up on the sidewalk of streets shaking a paper cup with, with any luck, a quarter in there, yelling for spare change.
The thing is, given that I have been there (ish; i was a luckier one that had minor setbacks and plenty of guidance), I think this situation taps into a very human nature - fear of failure and the unknown.
Everyone fears change, and the possibility of ending up in an abyss as a substitute for a career. That's the beauty and horror of it all - at this stage, You Never Know.
I have had many friends experience this, mostly people who set out determined to pursue one career path, but setback with this crisis, and head off into another direction. Funnily enough, looking back in retrospect, many of them would say they made the right decision. Off the top of my head I can already think of 2 good friends.
There are others, of course, perhaps under the influence of that culture or society, who seem very keen on pursuing a certain career path and stick to it, undeterred for the rest of their lives. Perhaps there is something out there that they may prefer, but for unpractical reasons, they choose to forgo. I happen to one of those people. I was robbed of my dream of being an archaeologist working at dig sites. I was also unable to pursue my noble dream of saving the world aka. doing Biology to learn about cancer. Other people include Hong Kong kids who go directly into business, because it is the most practical path. Hong Kong, afterall, is a financial hub, where the East meets the West, where the rich meets the poor, where the trendy meet the fashion victims...
Recently (and tonight) TAS (acronyms for someone special) had a meltdown. He is at this severe cross roads. His grades do not allow him to pursue a career in the medical field. He feels as though he has let his parents down, for good.
I strongly believe that he has all the potential in the world to be amazing. He happens to be one of those strange people who is often given too little credit for their talents, simply because they tend to be so low-key, or they somewhat hide it by living under the radar. However, given the situation, they will rise to the circumstance and outperform.
I truly hope that this is one of the times where this withdrawn individual who thinks he has no passions but just many tiny hobbies can look at himself and realize that he is amazing and can do many things. I hope he will find his passion and calling... pursue it, and as we all expect, outperform.
Like a seasoned counselor, I gave him advice which he duly noted. More of a preacher than a practicer myself, I seem to have given him advice that he will take to heart, and which I think will do him good. It seems to me that inspirational quotes that I have a penchant for come in handy in times like these.
I suppose I am writing this entry to express this situation that attacks us at the peak of oblivion. I suppose I am writing this entry to express what I feel towards the TAS.
I suppose I am writing this entry to express my hopes and my wishes for the TAS, believing that he will emerge more successful.
However, he will need to put in work. He can either shoot for the better, or sink for the worse. i will make sure he will go with the former. He is a wonderful person. I really hope he can find something he likes.
I plan to be there to make him the best person he can be, because I want to. Also, I want to be a good... girlfriend-figure for him. To give him the best. Quite frankly, I was not up to par in my previous relationship, and I would really like to be better than a 50 cent girlfriend from now on. Because, what is life full of regrets? No life, that's what it is.
Therefore, my dear invisible readers, this is a case where one should, when life gives them lemons, make lemonade. Make it hard lemonade if you will. The important thing is, when things get sour, you need to reach into the sugar jar and throw in some sugar. Some ice. And sometimes, a bit of alcohol so you can enjoy the drink.
The cross roads in the life, the pitchfork, even, where one is at total loss at what to pursue, and how to determine the rest of his/her life's career... and the ambiguity that there is a probability that he/she might end up on the sidewalk of streets shaking a paper cup with, with any luck, a quarter in there, yelling for spare change.
The thing is, given that I have been there (ish; i was a luckier one that had minor setbacks and plenty of guidance), I think this situation taps into a very human nature - fear of failure and the unknown.
Everyone fears change, and the possibility of ending up in an abyss as a substitute for a career. That's the beauty and horror of it all - at this stage, You Never Know.
I have had many friends experience this, mostly people who set out determined to pursue one career path, but setback with this crisis, and head off into another direction. Funnily enough, looking back in retrospect, many of them would say they made the right decision. Off the top of my head I can already think of 2 good friends.
There are others, of course, perhaps under the influence of that culture or society, who seem very keen on pursuing a certain career path and stick to it, undeterred for the rest of their lives. Perhaps there is something out there that they may prefer, but for unpractical reasons, they choose to forgo. I happen to one of those people. I was robbed of my dream of being an archaeologist working at dig sites. I was also unable to pursue my noble dream of saving the world aka. doing Biology to learn about cancer. Other people include Hong Kong kids who go directly into business, because it is the most practical path. Hong Kong, afterall, is a financial hub, where the East meets the West, where the rich meets the poor, where the trendy meet the fashion victims...
Recently (and tonight) TAS (acronyms for someone special) had a meltdown. He is at this severe cross roads. His grades do not allow him to pursue a career in the medical field. He feels as though he has let his parents down, for good.
I strongly believe that he has all the potential in the world to be amazing. He happens to be one of those strange people who is often given too little credit for their talents, simply because they tend to be so low-key, or they somewhat hide it by living under the radar. However, given the situation, they will rise to the circumstance and outperform.
I truly hope that this is one of the times where this withdrawn individual who thinks he has no passions but just many tiny hobbies can look at himself and realize that he is amazing and can do many things. I hope he will find his passion and calling... pursue it, and as we all expect, outperform.
Like a seasoned counselor, I gave him advice which he duly noted. More of a preacher than a practicer myself, I seem to have given him advice that he will take to heart, and which I think will do him good. It seems to me that inspirational quotes that I have a penchant for come in handy in times like these.
I suppose I am writing this entry to express this situation that attacks us at the peak of oblivion. I suppose I am writing this entry to express what I feel towards the TAS.
I suppose I am writing this entry to express my hopes and my wishes for the TAS, believing that he will emerge more successful.
However, he will need to put in work. He can either shoot for the better, or sink for the worse. i will make sure he will go with the former. He is a wonderful person. I really hope he can find something he likes.
I plan to be there to make him the best person he can be, because I want to. Also, I want to be a good... girlfriend-figure for him. To give him the best. Quite frankly, I was not up to par in my previous relationship, and I would really like to be better than a 50 cent girlfriend from now on. Because, what is life full of regrets? No life, that's what it is.
Therefore, my dear invisible readers, this is a case where one should, when life gives them lemons, make lemonade. Make it hard lemonade if you will. The important thing is, when things get sour, you need to reach into the sugar jar and throw in some sugar. Some ice. And sometimes, a bit of alcohol so you can enjoy the drink.
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