Parallel Universe

I always imagined that whatever big decision I make, there is some parallel universe whereby the dumber or smarter me is making the other decision I considered. Then I try to imagine what will happen to that other me.

On the 23rd of April, I made a decision to give up going back to Malaysia, but instead, to try it out, to venture out on my own to Hong Kong. Parallel Universe Scenario #1. What I gave up was a pretty comfortable cocoon life albeit slightly dangerous due to bad safety in KL. I had friends there, I had family, it was pretty familiar, and the job I gave up was a stable and good one.

Instead, I decided to come to Hong Kong. Where nothing was set up, where I would be alone, where my closest friends are people I barely talk to. And the job, a stressful one where I will probably always have to feel on-call, on-standby. I think I took this opportunity just because it is so beyond my comfort zone, just because it seemed more adventurous and scary. The truth is, I am scared. As adventurous and risk-taking I want to be, or imagine myself to be, I have realized I am not. Not really at all. I like comfort, and unknown and scary, well, scares me. So now, I am living with my boyfriend (who I also have some internal issues about), and I am waiting for my job to start. Pretty stressed out about it. I wonder how my parallel universe self is doing at the job that already started.

I just don't want to look back with regret and think, damn, I should have taken that less comfortable, more adventurous road. Which I am now on. I am taking it, just because I want to find out what happens. To test myself and see if I can make it on my own. I just have to learn to handle fear, and all that stuff that comes with emotional distress.

This place is seriously like my emotional dumpster. Thanks.

I feel like I might have lost who I am, a little. Between all that relationship stress and feeling embarrassed about not having a job while everyone works and moves on with their lives, I think I have lost a bit of that spark that possibly made me attractive to people who did end up falling for me.

I think I feel really insecure. And I am fearful of things, and it makes me more picky and controlling.

What.The.Fuck.

HOW do i set myself free and to just live and let live?

I feel like I am in some mental torture all day. You know that feeling where you are procrastinating and you have that nagging feeling at the back of your head because you have to do this thing where you are not? Yes. I have that feeling. Non stop. It's pretty fucking stressful. Draining.

Probably explains why I had a dream last night where I shat myself?! And I couldn't get rid of the poop, I didn't know where and how to. Which, according to dream decoding, means (summed up) that I am changing my old habits/thinking patterns, usually associated with strong emotions like anger/hatred. But the fact that I couldn't get rid of it, it means that I am not willing to let go, unable to let go.

I DONT KNOW HOW. I wish I could be a different person.

Relationship status

Btw. Just additional note since it comes up, the so called love of my life and I broke up. Who were we kidding? Can't say it was totally amicable. We don't talk. He is trying to be social I think, won't be a problem for him to move on and get a new girl. He has the looks.

I am dating someone else now. It was perfect and magical, but now I feel like I am sinking and it's my own fault.vi can't let go of the past. His. And now I feel all sorts, clingy needy, I need so much love And I feel like there isn't enough love and attention for me. I hate when I fall for someone I hate when I really like someone and I hate when I really need someone. I hate needing someone so much and caring about their every move. It's setting up for stress and anguish.

Trouble in paradise.

2013 CNY

Hello blog,

It's been so long!
I wrote a reflection on a word document instead of here not too long ago because I was feeling sad and cluttered. China and all, hard to go on blogs ya know? Now I am in Malaysia for CNY again, I am back for an entry, for an update. I definitely reflect best alone, listening to music, when its getting dark or late at night. So many thoughts... Maybe that's why I don't sleep well. Haha.

I don't think I have been truly happy for awhile now I realized.

I don't really know how to make myself feel okay and happy again. I feel mentally anguished and stressed a lot. And I don't even have a job. Which incidentally is one of my biggest shame and stresses. I want to live. To really live, and to feel okay. I just want to feel at peace and okay.
I keep having a thought and its that... I feel like it is hard to live... I feel a bit tired just living. Kinda weird I know. It sounds like I need to see a psychiatrist. I feel like I'm in a dark and lost place, and I keep trying to come back out and find some light. When my mind is occupied I am thankful so I don't have to think extra thoughts. Stressful thoughts. When I find something funny, I love it, I wish I could keep that feeling and keep laughing.

I wish my mind could be free.