Quarterlife

Hello,
when was my last post? It's been awhile. I'd almost forgotten about this blog... but I am back. I am tempted to create another blog, just a blog about this summer, perhaps finding my path.

I am lost.

I've been feeling rather negative, and that begets laziness. I'll tell ya, I have discovered many little traits about me, some that I finally managed to figure out, some that I had to face up to. So far, I haven't found many positive ones, but surely there are some positives about who I am?!

I am ambitious, determined, but I lack perseverance and endurance. Especially when I don't see the finish line.
I get discouraged, and can be negative.
I try to be optimistic, but sometimes I forget.
I lack faith.
I need to be more confident, but I am always afraid!
I am afraid to stand out there, out in the open. Unfortunately, that means I am swimming with the current, not against it.

These are a few...

Recently I made the mistake (?) of going on facebook and stalking people I haven't spoken to in forever. I see how they are living their lives. Granted, facebook can usually only give you a facade and a snippet of how people's lives usually are - and who would post emo shit on a social networking site? - but I took a look. I see people establishing things, initiatives, people who are pursuing passion, people who are happy and doing what they want. I see people surrounded by wonder and excitement, by their best friends and just, a lot of joy. And you take one look at my profile picture I put up in the winter where I am still wearing a scarf and cradling a cat, the lack of wallposts and activity... and the fact that I am unemployed, having been laid off by MANGO, a job which I did not enjoy one bit... What do I have to say for myself?

I think people call this the quarterlife crisis. It is whereby people of my age (early-mid twenties, after college) lose their way. They are stuck, they are floundering. Not everyone has it. Heck, some people have this one-track mind to a one-track goal since the age of 7. I ... don't. And I see everyone moving ahead and I am freaking the fuck out. What if I am a wasted investment of my parents? What do I have to show for myself after 23 years?

The positive thing to this mess is, while I get down and discouraged and wallow in my lack of life, I have the motivation and passion to get better. I keep making plans and ideas for myself to improve myself this summer. Hopefully I can keep to them. The brilliant thing is I am currently on a break (laid off and all), so I am going to try to figure out my life or at least broaden my perspective this summer, which really, is a blessing.

And by perspective, I also hope I can finally figure out my relationships. I do not know how to decide what is worth it. Or not.

Here's to trying.