Little Epiphanies.

It's funny, for 3, 4 years, I have always been quite constant. Slowly learning about myself... everything just coming in very very little snippets.

Now that I am 21, and a college grad... somehow, things are starting to make sense and crashing onto me. Albeit a little slow to change.

Today in my entrepreneurship class, we looked at Johnsonville Sausages company. We watched a video of the CEO, Ralph Stayer, talk to his subordinates in a lecture hall setting, about the company organizational structure.

He says,

If you expect good things, they will happen.

In essence, whatever you expect, will become. Good or bad.
And it makes sense to me, because now, I recall the quotes I use to note, like expect the best. Work towards the best. Because, if you expect yourself to be the best, surely you set your standards high and have little compromise. Likewise, if you are in a race and you expect yourself to lose, how will you win? You hardly have the mindset for triumph.

It dawned on me that many a time, when I am confident in myself in a game, or an exam, or project, or even an essay, that when I sit there and I feel it, deep in my bones, in my gut, that somehow I will be good, that I will win.... usually I do. At least, I get something good.
Now, does that translate into... the gut feeling being an expectation to succeed? Is that me expecting something without fully knowing it in the past?

Another thing that occurred to me in class today was something my professor said, that Ralph Stayer mentioned in his lecture.

You can't be like everyone else. You can't strive to be like everyone else. Because then you would be average. Greatness is going beyond what everyone else is, and having that edge.

It makes PERFECT sense! If you were like everyone else, wouldn't you be one with the crowd? You would truly be average. How will you EVER stand out?
I always wanted to be great. I always want to be EXCELLENT, creme of the crop, to stand out. Maybe this is why many a time I feel like my mentality prevents me from being like everyone else, to fit into a certain crowd. I just don't appreciate having to hang out all the time, to just be unproductive and stew in each other's company. Perhaps this is why... because I don't want to be average. Why would my mentality be average? Maybe that is the difference.
Maybe to stand out and be excellent, you have to sacrifice that fitting in. You have to go with what you feel, and nerd or no nerd, just do what you want to do, especially if it is productive. That way, you don't sacrifice the greatness in you for mediocrity, to be one with the others that don't mind the 9-5.
I just want to go beyond. And be brilliant.

Maybe that's it... and maybe caring so much about a group and being important is holding me back. Especially since... let's face it... I hardly truly care about many of them.

Wow.. today is definitely a great day for progress.

TAS pt 2

I can't pull the brakes on you.

I am just in love with you.
You make me so happy...
I get stars in my eyes when you are here.
You look so incredibly gorgeous...
When I see you walk through that door towards me my heart skips a beat.
My lips curl up into a delighted smile.
My eyes light up, and they close when you close the gap between us and we hug.
God, when we hug.
Our bodies meld into one.
I place my head on your broad shoulders, which are at a perfect height for me.

When we make love, it's so erotic, sexy and emotional.
I love the way you look.
Your tongue sticking out sometimes, it's so adorable I can't help loving you more.

You encourage my emotional growth.
You let me mature.
You force me to face some things about myself.
Your words make me wonder and ponder.
Your feedback gives me clues to understand myself.
And I make you mature too.

We play cards and we get competitive with each other.
We joke like friends.
We cuddle and sleep together.
We make love.
We talk, about deep, serious stuff.
We cry.
We talk dirty.
We talk stupid.
We moan.
We act cute.
We get frustrated at each other.
We get mad.
We miss each other.
We love each other.

It's all so wonderful.
It's all so compatible.

We are so perfect and happy together....
I can't give you up. I just can't.
Because for once,
My mind doesn't want to.
My heart doesn't want to.
I just want to charge ahead at full speed.

You are, we are, truly a diamond in the rough.

I love you so very much.

Slowly

Slowly,

Bit by bit... day by day... I am starting to understand myself a bit more. I am starting to understand why I think somethings the way I do, or why I do or feel the things I do and feel.

For one thing, I realized despite what I use to think, I have ALOT of pride. Like I care alot about face. Yes, I laugh at myself, but deep inside, I know that I have to be better. I have to be great. And I won't let anyone see me at a bad state...

Maybe this is why I don't open up to people. I don't want people to see me in a vulnerable state.. It's so hard. It's so.. vulnerable.

I don't like others to see me fail either. Whether it is me screwing up a test, or looking fat in a bikini, I'd rather just not show up.
But I will get past this.... Hopefully. Some things just gotta change.

F.A.T.

I am so frustrated with my body. I look so fucking fat.

I hate the blob hanging off my abdomen. I hate the armpit fat that makes me look huge. I hate the inner thigh fat that gets squeezed out when i rest my legs flat against the seat. I hate the excessive upper arm fat that makes my shoulders look even broader.

As I say this a turmoil of frustration is building up in me.

I really really hate the tummy fat though. It bothers me like no other.
So from today on, I really need to eat less. I need to exercise everyday. And I definitely need to control my junk food and indulgence.

I want to lose weight. I am a fucking fat bitch.

TAS

You walked out of my door.
And now,
Maybe.
Just Maybe,
I should start pulling the brakes on this one.

I didn't want to. I wanted to fall with everything I had. Just so for once in my life, I can really, truly be head over heels in love with someone, instead of reserving that 10+% of my heart for my own sake.

But I am starting to realize, I don't love myself enough. I don't care about myself enough. I am not secure enough with myself to really love someone else, without holding back. I can't get past that insecurity. Because of myself.

The only way I make it more bearable to be in a relationship is to like the person less. Because at least I know I haven't given my all. And therefore, I will be less hurt. I am at less risk. And I am not as anal and possessive, because I LIKE THE PERSON LESS than he likes me.

I think that maybe I should start on this one. I didn't want to. But I think, this might be the only solution, besides completely calling it quits. That might really, really hurt.

TAS, I will go to sleep now.
Tomorrow, it might be different between us. At least from my perspective.
And from then on,
That's it.

good night.

Frustration

It is hard. It is, because, when you dislike something that is fact, you are fighting almost against REALITY. And it is something that can't change, no matter how much you hate the FACT.

So in you, as you sit there on your black couch, there is this strong feeling that threatens to rip you apart as it starts to strangle your heart and the peace. It feels like...

Like

It is strangling your heart.

Like

It is really sour and powerful and REALLY, REALLY frustrating.

Like

There is some fire, or something really fiery that is threatening to spill out, but can't.

Like your entire being cannot contain this foul emotion yet it feels like it is spilling out.

I can't stand it.

Yet, I can't accept reality. Or at least, I refuse to. Because I want it to be my way... I want it to be perfection. I can't stand it when he doesn't conform to my standards and wants.

Somehow, as you go through life, sometimes you may work hard and get what you want, but many a time, you can't get what you want. Especially when it comes to relationships and people. They are just out of your reach, your control. Therefore... it seems like...
Growing up and living life might involve being able to handle that crappy emotion, and being able to accept what you dislike. What you can't stand.
Before it tears you apart.
Or before it tears apart you, and what you love.

THE PROBLEM IS,

I have no fucking clue how to handle this emotion, except to walk away. I don't know how to accept it, and let it settle down, especially if I think about it.

What do I do?

WHat?!?!

WHO farts when they are climaxing during sex??

god.

Updates

Recently I have been hanging out with people I didn't use to hang out much with. And somehow, in these people, I find some comfort and some joy. Even though my accent has to be altered to flow with the rhythm of the dialogue with them... it is starting to feel natural to hang out with them. I enjoy it. And it seems like... they are just nice people. People that don't make me feel left out....

Am I speaking too soon? Only time will tell.

Besides that...

I have realized today that short small girls are able to act cute, and somehow they evoke this innate feeling in everyone that makes the big chunky people want to protect and pamper the small girls.
Sadly, I am not one. No sir, I am a tall, 5'7'' girl. Statuesque, if you will. With a guy-ish humor to match. No sir, girls like me don't get protected. But deep down, deep deep down, we really want to feel precious, cute and protected.

-V

Mini Crunches

Love.
4 letter word.
Hard to figure out... yet sometimes your heart just wants to scream it.

Sometimes your heart is bursting... with joy, with a sort of fullness that is rather hard to come by. Sometimes it is because you had a good day; sometimes because you laughed so hard and you are happy; sometimes from contentment with yourself or your life; and sometimes, it is because you spent a wonderful night, or even just meaningful time with someone really special. And that person hugs you and says, almost involuntarily, "God.. I love you so much" and squeezes you tight in his embrace.
You look up at his face, and in that moment your heart feels full. You want to say "I love you."

We may spend our lives wondering if we have loved, or if we have ever been loved. Perhaps all that matters is in that moment, whether it felt right. Maybe everyone defines love differently, but somehow when it is written on paper, it is interpreted differently by everyone. And what matters, what ultimately matters, is what YOU think. It is what you feel, and if you think that is what love is... even without the explosions, fireworks and rocket ships blasting into the sky, then everyone else's explanations be damned.