I always imagined that whatever big decision I make, there is some parallel universe whereby the dumber or smarter me is making the other decision I considered. Then I try to imagine what will happen to that other me.
On the 23rd of April, I made a decision to give up going back to Malaysia, but instead, to try it out, to venture out on my own to Hong Kong. Parallel Universe Scenario #1. What I gave up was a pretty comfortable cocoon life albeit slightly dangerous due to bad safety in KL. I had friends there, I had family, it was pretty familiar, and the job I gave up was a stable and good one.
Instead, I decided to come to Hong Kong. Where nothing was set up, where I would be alone, where my closest friends are people I barely talk to. And the job, a stressful one where I will probably always have to feel on-call, on-standby. I think I took this opportunity just because it is so beyond my comfort zone, just because it seemed more adventurous and scary. The truth is, I am scared. As adventurous and risk-taking I want to be, or imagine myself to be, I have realized I am not. Not really at all. I like comfort, and unknown and scary, well, scares me. So now, I am living with my boyfriend (who I also have some internal issues about), and I am waiting for my job to start. Pretty stressed out about it. I wonder how my parallel universe self is doing at the job that already started.
I just don't want to look back with regret and think, damn, I should have taken that less comfortable, more adventurous road. Which I am now on. I am taking it, just because I want to find out what happens. To test myself and see if I can make it on my own. I just have to learn to handle fear, and all that stuff that comes with emotional distress.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
This place is seriously like my emotional dumpster. Thanks.
I feel like I might have lost who I am, a little. Between all that relationship stress and feeling embarrassed about not having a job while everyone works and moves on with their lives, I think I have lost a bit of that spark that possibly made me attractive to people who did end up falling for me.
I think I feel really insecure. And I am fearful of things, and it makes me more picky and controlling.
What.The.Fuck.
HOW do i set myself free and to just live and let live?
I feel like I am in some mental torture all day. You know that feeling where you are procrastinating and you have that nagging feeling at the back of your head because you have to do this thing where you are not? Yes. I have that feeling. Non stop. It's pretty fucking stressful. Draining.
Probably explains why I had a dream last night where I shat myself?! And I couldn't get rid of the poop, I didn't know where and how to. Which, according to dream decoding, means (summed up) that I am changing my old habits/thinking patterns, usually associated with strong emotions like anger/hatred. But the fact that I couldn't get rid of it, it means that I am not willing to let go, unable to let go.
I DONT KNOW HOW. I wish I could be a different person.
I feel like I might have lost who I am, a little. Between all that relationship stress and feeling embarrassed about not having a job while everyone works and moves on with their lives, I think I have lost a bit of that spark that possibly made me attractive to people who did end up falling for me.
I think I feel really insecure. And I am fearful of things, and it makes me more picky and controlling.
What.The.Fuck.
HOW do i set myself free and to just live and let live?
I feel like I am in some mental torture all day. You know that feeling where you are procrastinating and you have that nagging feeling at the back of your head because you have to do this thing where you are not? Yes. I have that feeling. Non stop. It's pretty fucking stressful. Draining.
Probably explains why I had a dream last night where I shat myself?! And I couldn't get rid of the poop, I didn't know where and how to. Which, according to dream decoding, means (summed up) that I am changing my old habits/thinking patterns, usually associated with strong emotions like anger/hatred. But the fact that I couldn't get rid of it, it means that I am not willing to let go, unable to let go.
I DONT KNOW HOW. I wish I could be a different person.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Relationship status
Btw. Just additional note since it comes up, the so called love of my life and I broke up. Who were we kidding? Can't say it was totally amicable. We don't talk. He is trying to be social I think, won't be a problem for him to move on and get a new girl. He has the looks.
I am dating someone else now. It was perfect and magical, but now I feel like I am sinking and it's my own fault.vi can't let go of the past. His. And now I feel all sorts, clingy needy, I need so much love And I feel like there isn't enough love and attention for me. I hate when I fall for someone I hate when I really like someone and I hate when I really need someone. I hate needing someone so much and caring about their every move. It's setting up for stress and anguish.
Trouble in paradise.
I am dating someone else now. It was perfect and magical, but now I feel like I am sinking and it's my own fault.vi can't let go of the past. His. And now I feel all sorts, clingy needy, I need so much love And I feel like there isn't enough love and attention for me. I hate when I fall for someone I hate when I really like someone and I hate when I really need someone. I hate needing someone so much and caring about their every move. It's setting up for stress and anguish.
Trouble in paradise.
2013 CNY
Hello blog,
It's been so long!
I wrote a reflection on a word document instead of here not too long ago because I was feeling sad and cluttered. China and all, hard to go on blogs ya know? Now I am in Malaysia for CNY again, I am back for an entry, for an update. I definitely reflect best alone, listening to music, when its getting dark or late at night. So many thoughts... Maybe that's why I don't sleep well. Haha.
I don't think I have been truly happy for awhile now I realized.
I don't really know how to make myself feel okay and happy again. I feel mentally anguished and stressed a lot. And I don't even have a job. Which incidentally is one of my biggest shame and stresses. I want to live. To really live, and to feel okay. I just want to feel at peace and okay.
I keep having a thought and its that... I feel like it is hard to live... I feel a bit tired just living. Kinda weird I know. It sounds like I need to see a psychiatrist. I feel like I'm in a dark and lost place, and I keep trying to come back out and find some light. When my mind is occupied I am thankful so I don't have to think extra thoughts. Stressful thoughts. When I find something funny, I love it, I wish I could keep that feeling and keep laughing.
I wish my mind could be free.
It's been so long!
I wrote a reflection on a word document instead of here not too long ago because I was feeling sad and cluttered. China and all, hard to go on blogs ya know? Now I am in Malaysia for CNY again, I am back for an entry, for an update. I definitely reflect best alone, listening to music, when its getting dark or late at night. So many thoughts... Maybe that's why I don't sleep well. Haha.
I don't think I have been truly happy for awhile now I realized.
I don't really know how to make myself feel okay and happy again. I feel mentally anguished and stressed a lot. And I don't even have a job. Which incidentally is one of my biggest shame and stresses. I want to live. To really live, and to feel okay. I just want to feel at peace and okay.
I keep having a thought and its that... I feel like it is hard to live... I feel a bit tired just living. Kinda weird I know. It sounds like I need to see a psychiatrist. I feel like I'm in a dark and lost place, and I keep trying to come back out and find some light. When my mind is occupied I am thankful so I don't have to think extra thoughts. Stressful thoughts. When I find something funny, I love it, I wish I could keep that feeling and keep laughing.
I wish my mind could be free.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Quarterlife
Hello,
when was my last post? It's been awhile. I'd almost forgotten about this blog... but I am back. I am tempted to create another blog, just a blog about this summer, perhaps finding my path.
I am lost.
I've been feeling rather negative, and that begets laziness. I'll tell ya, I have discovered many little traits about me, some that I finally managed to figure out, some that I had to face up to. So far, I haven't found many positive ones, but surely there are some positives about who I am?!
I am ambitious, determined, but I lack perseverance and endurance. Especially when I don't see the finish line.
I get discouraged, and can be negative.
I try to be optimistic, but sometimes I forget.
I lack faith.
I need to be more confident, but I am always afraid!
I am afraid to stand out there, out in the open. Unfortunately, that means I am swimming with the current, not against it.
These are a few...
Recently I made the mistake (?) of going on facebook and stalking people I haven't spoken to in forever. I see how they are living their lives. Granted, facebook can usually only give you a facade and a snippet of how people's lives usually are - and who would post emo shit on a social networking site? - but I took a look. I see people establishing things, initiatives, people who are pursuing passion, people who are happy and doing what they want. I see people surrounded by wonder and excitement, by their best friends and just, a lot of joy. And you take one look at my profile picture I put up in the winter where I am still wearing a scarf and cradling a cat, the lack of wallposts and activity... and the fact that I am unemployed, having been laid off by MANGO, a job which I did not enjoy one bit... What do I have to say for myself?
I think people call this the quarterlife crisis. It is whereby people of my age (early-mid twenties, after college) lose their way. They are stuck, they are floundering. Not everyone has it. Heck, some people have this one-track mind to a one-track goal since the age of 7. I ... don't. And I see everyone moving ahead and I am freaking the fuck out. What if I am a wasted investment of my parents? What do I have to show for myself after 23 years?
The positive thing to this mess is, while I get down and discouraged and wallow in my lack of life, I have the motivation and passion to get better. I keep making plans and ideas for myself to improve myself this summer. Hopefully I can keep to them. The brilliant thing is I am currently on a break (laid off and all), so I am going to try to figure out my life or at least broaden my perspective this summer, which really, is a blessing.
And by perspective, I also hope I can finally figure out my relationships. I do not know how to decide what is worth it. Or not.
Here's to trying.
when was my last post? It's been awhile. I'd almost forgotten about this blog... but I am back. I am tempted to create another blog, just a blog about this summer, perhaps finding my path.
I am lost.
I've been feeling rather negative, and that begets laziness. I'll tell ya, I have discovered many little traits about me, some that I finally managed to figure out, some that I had to face up to. So far, I haven't found many positive ones, but surely there are some positives about who I am?!
I am ambitious, determined, but I lack perseverance and endurance. Especially when I don't see the finish line.
I get discouraged, and can be negative.
I try to be optimistic, but sometimes I forget.
I lack faith.
I need to be more confident, but I am always afraid!
I am afraid to stand out there, out in the open. Unfortunately, that means I am swimming with the current, not against it.
These are a few...
Recently I made the mistake (?) of going on facebook and stalking people I haven't spoken to in forever. I see how they are living their lives. Granted, facebook can usually only give you a facade and a snippet of how people's lives usually are - and who would post emo shit on a social networking site? - but I took a look. I see people establishing things, initiatives, people who are pursuing passion, people who are happy and doing what they want. I see people surrounded by wonder and excitement, by their best friends and just, a lot of joy. And you take one look at my profile picture I put up in the winter where I am still wearing a scarf and cradling a cat, the lack of wallposts and activity... and the fact that I am unemployed, having been laid off by MANGO, a job which I did not enjoy one bit... What do I have to say for myself?
I think people call this the quarterlife crisis. It is whereby people of my age (early-mid twenties, after college) lose their way. They are stuck, they are floundering. Not everyone has it. Heck, some people have this one-track mind to a one-track goal since the age of 7. I ... don't. And I see everyone moving ahead and I am freaking the fuck out. What if I am a wasted investment of my parents? What do I have to show for myself after 23 years?
The positive thing to this mess is, while I get down and discouraged and wallow in my lack of life, I have the motivation and passion to get better. I keep making plans and ideas for myself to improve myself this summer. Hopefully I can keep to them. The brilliant thing is I am currently on a break (laid off and all), so I am going to try to figure out my life or at least broaden my perspective this summer, which really, is a blessing.
And by perspective, I also hope I can finally figure out my relationships. I do not know how to decide what is worth it. Or not.
Here's to trying.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Dragon Rawr
Hi Blog,
It's been awhile. It's rather hard to blog when China does not allow, and I have been too cheap to get VPN. Funny how I managed to live this long without all that I was used to. ha...
So, the love of my life. We made it past the one year mark of long distance, albeit rough, with many ups and downs. The two year mark of our relationship is coming up. This love is consuming, intoxicating, passionate. It's pretty damn great when we are together.. I am desperate to be with him again, to just be able to live and enjoy with him. When can I? I really hope we can be together, and things work out. Let life get on track(s) and for us to be together.
Besides that, I really would like more options for jobs.
Other than that, as long as family is healthy and happy and I have some people to hang out with and play with, I am happy. Content.
I'm Back :)
It's been awhile. It's rather hard to blog when China does not allow, and I have been too cheap to get VPN. Funny how I managed to live this long without all that I was used to. ha...
So, the love of my life. We made it past the one year mark of long distance, albeit rough, with many ups and downs. The two year mark of our relationship is coming up. This love is consuming, intoxicating, passionate. It's pretty damn great when we are together.. I am desperate to be with him again, to just be able to live and enjoy with him. When can I? I really hope we can be together, and things work out. Let life get on track(s) and for us to be together.
Besides that, I really would like more options for jobs.
Other than that, as long as family is healthy and happy and I have some people to hang out with and play with, I am happy. Content.
I'm Back :)
Friday, August 26, 2011
Possession
I love you... I really think I do. Your smile makes me happy and your anger scares me. You saying you love me and your expression of love throws me over the moon, but your neglect and absent mindedness towards me plunges me into darkness.
With you, all those cheesy love songs suddenly strike a chord, and I actually get what they mean. Really heartfelt love songs make me tear up. It is because I have become a damn yo-yo because of you. I have never felt like this before, and at the cross-road long time ago when I freaked out and could have chosen to not all to protect myself (as I typically choose), I chose not to. And how I have fallen.
We have so many ups and downs... but I can never leave. I don't know what makes you hang on, but I hope with all my might that it is because you are very in love with me.
A conversation with my brother has brought things a little into focus... Do I just want to possess you? Can't I love you from where I am? I know I am possessive, I really am. I just need you, want you, all of you. I don't want anyone to enjoy you and to have you. If you dated and gave yourself, physically or mentally, to anyone else, I really might breakdown, especially since I am so attached. But perhaps... it's making this hard.
Our relationship is unrealistic. We are both on the shaky ground, we both have to focus on ourselves and our career. We have to spend so much time and effort on each other... so much energy... but we won't be together in the near future. Is it really worth it to hold on, to desperately try to make it work? Or should we let go... and do what we have to do instead of hurting ourselves and our futures... perhaps, move on even... hoping for a brighter day?
Thinking about me screwing up your future makes me feel terrible. But I can't let go. Is it because of love, or the possessiveness?
I am starting to think that perhaps people are right... we have to face life, face reality and protect ourselves... that great love, true love, mighty love, may not be always and forever. It might not be what we can end up with... it might be the first heartbreak. Love is not enough for us to life off of and we just have to be realistic. Maybe we should let go, and if we come back together... then that's meant to be.
I fear though, that you would have changed, to be a man I don't recognize and love anymore. And that you might not love me anymore. That by then, you would have had other women. I know this is possessiveness speaking very loudly here. It's not the only reason why I don't want to let go, but it is a reason. I want you to love me... not others.. I don't want you to enjoy intimacy with other women, I want to be the one to provide that.
Can we make this work... or should I start thinking this and drilling it into my head.. so we reach the end of our relationship?
My Dearest, what do we do now?
With you, all those cheesy love songs suddenly strike a chord, and I actually get what they mean. Really heartfelt love songs make me tear up. It is because I have become a damn yo-yo because of you. I have never felt like this before, and at the cross-road long time ago when I freaked out and could have chosen to not all to protect myself (as I typically choose), I chose not to. And how I have fallen.
We have so many ups and downs... but I can never leave. I don't know what makes you hang on, but I hope with all my might that it is because you are very in love with me.
A conversation with my brother has brought things a little into focus... Do I just want to possess you? Can't I love you from where I am? I know I am possessive, I really am. I just need you, want you, all of you. I don't want anyone to enjoy you and to have you. If you dated and gave yourself, physically or mentally, to anyone else, I really might breakdown, especially since I am so attached. But perhaps... it's making this hard.
Our relationship is unrealistic. We are both on the shaky ground, we both have to focus on ourselves and our career. We have to spend so much time and effort on each other... so much energy... but we won't be together in the near future. Is it really worth it to hold on, to desperately try to make it work? Or should we let go... and do what we have to do instead of hurting ourselves and our futures... perhaps, move on even... hoping for a brighter day?
Thinking about me screwing up your future makes me feel terrible. But I can't let go. Is it because of love, or the possessiveness?
I am starting to think that perhaps people are right... we have to face life, face reality and protect ourselves... that great love, true love, mighty love, may not be always and forever. It might not be what we can end up with... it might be the first heartbreak. Love is not enough for us to life off of and we just have to be realistic. Maybe we should let go, and if we come back together... then that's meant to be.
I fear though, that you would have changed, to be a man I don't recognize and love anymore. And that you might not love me anymore. That by then, you would have had other women. I know this is possessiveness speaking very loudly here. It's not the only reason why I don't want to let go, but it is a reason. I want you to love me... not others.. I don't want you to enjoy intimacy with other women, I want to be the one to provide that.
Can we make this work... or should I start thinking this and drilling it into my head.. so we reach the end of our relationship?
My Dearest, what do we do now?
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